Replies to '04/07 Will Fights'
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November 11, 2007, 5:24 pm PST
 Quote From: jlb2551 The deadliest of all sins............greed IMy grandparents had 5 girls and lived modestly. When my Mother divorced my biological father the four of us (my twin brother and our sister) went to live with them. Mother worked 3 jobs to support us and our grandparents raised us along with the begrudged help of our aunts. We heard it everyday, how we robbed our grandparents of their retirement years. We were small children that has no say in anything but felt guilty then for this horrible misdeed that we couldn't understand. It dosen't really matter in the message of this but our grandfather told us daily and his biological daughters that he loved us as much as he did them and "those precious children will be the ones to give us our last drink of water", we were and loved him deeply. When they passed away my Mother continued to live in the house until she died, only a few years. later. On the eve of her death, it was an all out brawl over who got what and the sell of the house. I was trying to care for my Mother during her last painful days of cancer but all her sisters could think of was the money and the "things". They were scurring around like ants manipulating each other and trying to manipulate us by having pieces of paper shoved in my face to sign everything over. The will had already been made but they wanted to make double sure we got nothing and they got everything. All of them had been stealing objects over the years when they would come over for one of their daily visits. To their surprise, the three of us wanted absolutely nothing in the house or even our Mothers little percentage of the sale of the house. I thought our family was close and loving, it was anything but. After my Mothers death, we split down the middle and have never been the same. There are no longer any gatherings, talking and every attempt has ended up in hurt feelings and someone having to "bring up the past". It has been 20 years and the greedy aunts have all died but two. They went through their money in weeks and the "things" are stored collecting dust. Was it worth it for them? I wonder but am not interested enough to try and find out anymore. I work as a nurse in Hospice and try to keep families together in these critical times where everyone is fragile, angry and focusing on everything except the person that is dying and loss they are experiencing. I wish families would focus on what matters, each other and their relationships. There is no object or amount of money that can replace what once was wonderful or thought to be wonderful. This family is probably past any healing, our's certainly is but for those of you who have this to face, please remember it's the only family you will have and the lonliness is almost unbearable once they are gone. Hold on the each other and not "things". The money will be spent, the "things" will gather dust and hold no value over a human being you once loved and will miss. You will feel like your entire life was a lie, so get things settled before the death of parents, stay close and hold on to each other.
first, let me say that i'm so sorry for what you and your brother and sister had to face as children. thank goodness, your grandfather was wise enough to express his appreciation of his grandkids and that you became a more caring, sensitive person, as a result of all that, instead of a bitter one, as some people would have. it is so sad when family members turn agains each other because of money and things. but the reality is that often they do. even people who have no intention of doing so may find themselves in the middle of such battles because of the behavior of others. so yes, i agree, it is important to get things settled before parents die. in fact, the parents really need to make out clear wills that state how they want their money and property to be divided, and in some cases, why they made these decisions. (giving reasons can make it harder for dissatisfied heirs to hold up a will in court.) i also thin it's sad --and maybe a little pathetic -- when some family members act as if they have as much or more right to a brother or sister's money/property than his/her own children do. this may be due as much to ignorance as to greed. in most states, as far as i know, spouses, kids, even parents come before siblings as far as inheritance "rights," unless, perhaps, it is statd otherwise in the person's will. brothers and sisters are NOT "next of kin" if these other types of relatives are living. of course, it's not clear whether the grandparents above left their house, etc to the daughter who lived there or what -- more proof that people need to deal with these issues before they die. you cannnot leave it up to ur offspring and hope they will figure it all out fairly, especially not when they are already fighting and pointing fingers. |
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November 11, 2007, 6:19 pm PST
Quote From: jlb2551 The deadliest of all sins............greed IMy grandparents had 5 girls and lived modestly. When my Mother divorced my biological father the four of us (my twin brother and our sister) went to live with them. Mother worked 3 jobs to support us and our grandparents raised us along with the begrudged help of our aunts. We heard it everyday, how we robbed our grandparents of their retirement years. We were small children that has no say in anything but felt guilty then for this horrible misdeed that we couldn't understand. It dosen't really matter in the message of this but our grandfather told us daily and his biological daughters that he loved us as much as he did them and "those precious children will be the ones to give us our last drink of water", we were and loved him deeply. When they passed away my Mother continued to live in the house until she died, only a few years. later. On the eve of her death, it was an all out brawl over who got what and the sell of the house. I was trying to care for my Mother during her last painful days of cancer but all her sisters could think of was the money and the "things". They were scurring around like ants manipulating each other and trying to manipulate us by having pieces of paper shoved in my face to sign everything over. The will had already been made but they wanted to make double sure we got nothing and they got everything. All of them had been stealing objects over the years when they would come over for one of their daily visits. To their surprise, the three of us wanted absolutely nothing in the house or even our Mothers little percentage of the sale of the house. I thought our family was close and loving, it was anything but. After my Mothers death, we split down the middle and have never been the same. There are no longer any gatherings, talking and every attempt has ended up in hurt feelings and someone having to "bring up the past". It has been 20 years and the greedy aunts have all died but two. They went through their money in weeks and the "things" are stored collecting dust. Was it worth it for them? I wonder but am not interested enough to try and find out anymore. I work as a nurse in Hospice and try to keep families together in these critical times where everyone is fragile, angry and focusing on everything except the person that is dying and loss they are experiencing. I wish families would focus on what matters, each other and their relationships. There is no object or amount of money that can replace what once was wonderful or thought to be wonderful. This family is probably past any healing, our's certainly is but for those of you who have this to face, please remember it's the only family you will have and the lonliness is almost unbearable once they are gone. Hold on the each other and not "things". The money will be spent, the "things" will gather dust and hold no value over a human being you once loved and will miss. You will feel like your entire life was a lie, so get things settled before the death of parents, stay close and hold on to each other.
I agree with you totally, once your loved ones are gone the "things" don't love you or make you truly happy.
My Aunts are the same as your Aunts, our Grandma died of cancer almost 9yrs ago when our daughter was a baby. My Aunts had been bickering since before I was born and telling each other, "When Mum is gone I want this or that" (how would anyone feel if they heard their kids talk like that?). When Nan was in hospital for chemo and for extended stays while she was getting worse, only my Mum (out of 3 daughters and 2 sons) sat with her while she cried realising she was dying. The hurt in my Grandma's eyes is something I never want to see again, that poor lady felt so alone after years of slaving after her children and grandchildren.
She was a tough Aussie woman who never cried, from the age of 12 she worked on a farm cooking for shearers and then raised their 5 children pretty much by herself since my Grandfather was out on the farm everyday until well after dark. My Grandfather spoilt their younger children while my Mum (the eldest) and my Uncle John (second eldest) where punished for everything and anything that the other children did. When my Grandma found out she was dying my Grandfather said, "Oh, stop crying, you'll be right". He never really believe she was going to die since she was the big tough one and wasn't much of a S.N.A.G.
The morning Nan died only my Mum and Grandfather were with her, I was due to take our daughter to see her that afternoon. Mum called me and said that I should say goodbye to her over the phone. I couldn't say goodbye to her, I just cried and told her to hold on until we got there so Bubby could give her a kiss. After I hung up my Mum said that Nan was saying my name and the name of our baby and smiling and then she died about 10 minutes later. The vultures started swooping while my Grandma was in hospital dying, they had more important things to do than sit with their Mum while she died.
All throughout my childhood living in an abusive home and constant moving between rental houses I felt like I had a HOME when we went to Nan and Pops place. Ever since she died I feel like my true home has gone with her and I can't wait to go home again to the farm with her one day. We'll have lots to talk about that's for sure.
My Grandfather is now 90yrs old and living with one of his adorable daughters who wants him to sell the farm to her husband for way less than half the market value. I'd go visit him if he wasn't living with her and her creepy husband who told me I was "sexy" when I was 10yrs old (but that's another story), needless to say my child isn't going there. The reason my Aunty stays with him is because he has money. My Grandfathers spoiling is coming back to bite him in the bum now! lol
So to sum up my essay, money is not more important than being a caring human and it definitely doesn't bring back your loved ones.
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November 11, 2007, 8:46 pm PST
Quote From: jlb2551 The deadliest of all sins............greed IMy grandparents had 5 girls and lived modestly. When my Mother divorced my biological father the four of us (my twin brother and our sister) went to live with them. Mother worked 3 jobs to support us and our grandparents raised us along with the begrudged help of our aunts. We heard it everyday, how we robbed our grandparents of their retirement years. We were small children that has no say in anything but felt guilty then for this horrible misdeed that we couldn't understand. It dosen't really matter in the message of this but our grandfather told us daily and his biological daughters that he loved us as much as he did them and "those precious children will be the ones to give us our last drink of water", we were and loved him deeply. When they passed away my Mother continued to live in the house until she died, only a few years. later. On the eve of her death, it was an all out brawl over who got what and the sell of the house. I was trying to care for my Mother during her last painful days of cancer but all her sisters could think of was the money and the "things". They were scurring around like ants manipulating each other and trying to manipulate us by having pieces of paper shoved in my face to sign everything over. The will had already been made but they wanted to make double sure we got nothing and they got everything. All of them had been stealing objects over the years when they would come over for one of their daily visits. To their surprise, the three of us wanted absolutely nothing in the house or even our Mothers little percentage of the sale of the house. I thought our family was close and loving, it was anything but. After my Mothers death, we split down the middle and have never been the same. There are no longer any gatherings, talking and every attempt has ended up in hurt feelings and someone having to "bring up the past". It has been 20 years and the greedy aunts have all died but two. They went through their money in weeks and the "things" are stored collecting dust. Was it worth it for them? I wonder but am not interested enough to try and find out anymore. I work as a nurse in Hospice and try to keep families together in these critical times where everyone is fragile, angry and focusing on everything except the person that is dying and loss they are experiencing. I wish families would focus on what matters, each other and their relationships. There is no object or amount of money that can replace what once was wonderful or thought to be wonderful. This family is probably past any healing, our's certainly is but for those of you who have this to face, please remember it's the only family you will have and the lonliness is almost unbearable once they are gone. Hold on the each other and not "things". The money will be spent, the "things" will gather dust and hold no value over a human being you once loved and will miss. You will feel like your entire life was a lie, so get things settled before the death of parents, stay close and hold on to each other.
Reading all of these posts bring back many memories that bring tears to my eyes. I too am a nurse and have witnessed such ugly outbursts among family members. Some have stood at the bedside of a dying parent, only to argue about material things. They forget about the life in front of them and how precious this is. I grew up in a good home and never thought anything could change this. But my mom saw how happy I was with my husband and big family. My only sibling, a sister, didnt have things as good as she was divorcing and had one child that my parents were watching most of the time. To make a long story short, my mom quit speaking to me over 9 years ago. She's the type that will hold a grudge to her dying day. I stood up to her when she tried to get one of my kids in the middle of her "problem" with me. She blames me and of course we no longer speak. I've tried to mend things but it doesnt work. Last year I went to visit while one of her brothers was there. I told her we needed to drop the past and just start over. I told her I loved her and lets just wipe the slate clean right them and start again. Well we talked on the phone about 2 months after that but it got less and less and she went back to her old ways. Since then she has about quit talking to her other brother and sisters so it's not just me. She told one of my kids that "everything" was going to my sister when she died. I guess she thinks that will bother me. It does to an extent, but what really bothers me is that we have wasted precious time that is forever lost. Material things cant bring you happiness and I wonder if my sister will truely be happen when she gets all of it. What matters is that we did have very happy times when I was growing up, good memories of my grandparents, my parents brothers and sisters and their kids. My mom has a brother that she hadnt spoken to in over 50 yrs and only on his death bed did she speak to him. Since then his wife and kids have opened their heart to her and showed the true side to christanity and love. They have told me that to much was lost over the years because of our parents stubborness. My own children understand all of this. My heart goes out to each of you writing here. I know from my own experiences what you are feeling and how lonely it is. I have a wonderful husband and family but I stil miss my parents. One day they will be gone, although I "lost" them 9 years ago when they stopped speaking. I dont live near them so it's not like we can just drop in. My mom has been bitter and has "neglected" to let me know when someone is sick or has died. I had a great uncle die and buried and I found out when his wife sent me a newspaper clipping. I grew up considering them my aunt and uncle and I know they loved me and my husband and children very much. I wonder why my mom is so bitter and ugly, this is what causes the most pain to me. Im sorry to have rambled on here, My prayers go out to all of you here. |
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