Replies to 'How I Got Help'

Quote From: leopardlady

Thank you! I was on every known anti depressant and  anti anxiety med several years ago, and had terrible side affects, including suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, the depression and anxiety actually elevated for me. In fact, I was re-diagnosed because of that, and put on anti-psychotic meds. O, what a trip! Never want to take another; that was scary. I was on every one of those, too. Nothing worked positively for me.

I'm having extreme difficulty in overcoming the anxiety/depression due to abuse. My support people moved or died. For me, the chemical imbalance portion of depression was/is poor eating. I have to take vitamin b complex in order to get a lift. I also began taking potassium and that has curbed the anxiety.

However, I still struggle with anxiety and depression, due to sooo very much abuse that has been directed at me. I struggle with leaving my house to the point I just don't leave. I'm an Avon lady, and it has really put a damper on sales.

I came here for help, I'm not sure what to do any more.  I just started counseling again with a Christian counselor I know, because I know he won't try to co-erce me into taking meds.  I'm 40, on disability, in college and had to drop most of my classes again because of the stress.  I'm tired of being on disability, not having money, not being able to get motivated to get out. I'm chronically late for everything, and I know the root of that goes back to abuse (again, by many, many people besides the original family). I do not know how to break the cycle of abuse. I'm so afraid of failure, I'm not putting much an effort into anything I do anymore.  Almost everything I've tried, I've not done well, or have been put down for it, including in church. (now, that was ridiculous--I know it, but I cannot get past what has happened to me)

My family looks down on me, I'm the 'joke'. Because of poor choices I've made, and because i won't work. My main income is disability, and that's not much. My family members treat me as though I am lazy and do not want to work, and that just drives me nutso. I just had to humble myself and ask my father, main abuser for some financial assistance--AGAIN.  He doesn't give much, even though he has a lot. I can somewhat understand his reasoning; after all, to him, I LOOK like a loser, lay about good for nothing. In fact, I look like that to many people who do not have empathy or understanding. Heck, I look like that to myself, too. I do the best I can do every day, and most of the time I'm very disappointed in myself and the things I didn't accomplish.

I panic whenever I try to do something most of the time, whether it's put my Avon order together, make jewelry, wash the dishes, take a shower, etc. absolutely EVERYTHING causes me so much panic, and I do not know how to overcome this. As I said, I know it has to do with the abuse, and I have great fear in moving forward for fear that I am going to fail and/or get hurt again. I cannot go on like this; I need to finish my degree and get a job.

So what do I do?