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Replies to '07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions'
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November 18, 2007, 7:53 am PST
 Quote From: laneese I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving...." That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C." He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..." If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did." Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid." The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward." I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper! First & foremost know & own the fact that this is HIS addiction...........NOT YOURS! I too have been there & know first hand how devestating this can be. The effects of HIS addiction & your PAST inabilities to remain sober yourself (although initially thought to be only a means to numb the pain for you & hide your shame of him............sound just like that at this point............a thing of the PAST) Please keep present & hold your head ever so high. Do not be intimidated or allow yourself to be degraded by him. Listen to and honor that little voice within you. Stay SOBER,GET INDEPENDENT & NOT CODEPENDENT & lead by example for yourr little girl. Children are extremely intuitive & know or sense when things are not right..........and this is clearly soooooooooooooooo wrong. A woman's shelter with PEACE & SERENITY will be 10,000 times better than moving to a rental with a man ~ who you couldn't & shouldn't trust. Trust is something that is earned & as far as I am concerned, this unfortunate soul has earned his way OUT of yours & your daughter's lives. Trust him with her for NOT 2 SECONDS.
Having dated my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before my daughter & I married him..........he was to become "Daddy to her" & life was supposed to be wonderful, he was the man who was too good to be true, I thought I knew him inside & out ......yet, as it all turned out.................He was NOT TRUE. Two months after I married him & four days before he was supposed to adopt my daughter, I uncovered his deep dark secret past. A life full of demons he had & continues to live with today.............almost seven years later. As said in prior responses from others.............."A leopard DOESN'T change his spots" - this is ever sooooooooooo true.
To say it was easy to move to where we are today would not be so, because as a woman & mother I think there is so much internal dialogue that "we can fix this.........., yet the truth of the matter is that we can not...............only he can fix himself . Send him on his way with blessings that he does, so that he doesn't destroy any other lives & you move away from the past & the pain. Easier said than done, but try to FORGIVE............you'll never forget, but do forgive so you move to a place of freedom for yourself. Anger only errodes oneself. You must make your daughter your priority above all else. Without a strong , loving , supportive, self respecting mother , she will devalue herself & no mother wants that for their child. The strongest influence in her life will & should be you. Lead by example & hold your head high & know that "You are a Powerful Woman who is Deserving of Love & Being Loved in Return ," yet at this point ....let that LOVE, be LOVE OF ONESELF! Be good to you & move on. Better to be alone than to be with someone & be so lonely. Have faith in yourself & vow to do all that you need to do to make YOUR LIFE A WONDERFUL LIFE. Life is what we make it & you can either continue to stay where you are & move to a rental which is totally ABSURD or you can CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL. All we do in life is based on choices........I once learned years ago a little life saver that I will share with you..............hold your hand up ; palm facing you & look at your hand..............lable each finger & starting with the thumb label it "RISK", index finger = "TRUST", middle finger + "LOVE", ring finger = "ACCEPT" , pinky finger = "GROW" & in the palm of your hand = "CHOICE" .....................the synopsis of it all is.............in life with everything we do, we are taking a "RISK" & we must "TRUST " & "LOVE " oneself enough to take that risk & from that "ACCEPT" the outcome as it be & from our experience "GROW" ....................to do it all is based upon a "CHOICE", so ............"CHOOSE to make YOUR LIFE WONDERFUL." As Dr. Phil says so eloquently...............better to be in something for a year & get out , than to be there for 1 year and a DAY!!! Meditate & stay strong & KNOW that you are NOT the only one out there in this situation. It is ever so present in this society , sadly to say. Here is a little something to read & think about daily.
The Best Day Of MY Life
Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!
There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!
Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.
I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.
Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care about them and how much they mean to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.
I'll remember that to worry is just a wste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.
Tonight, before i go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be ........... The Best Day Of My Life!
All the best to you. Robin
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November 19, 2007, 10:56 am PST
Quote From: laneese I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving...." That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C." He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..." If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did." Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid." The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward." I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper! I can't intelligently write anything to you that would change a thing or realistically give you any comfort, peace or encouragement other than to tell you that you have my respect, best wishes and prayers for a save resolution to your situation. YOU are a "real trooper!" :-) -Steve |
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November 19, 2007, 4:56 pm PST
Quote From: laneese I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving...." That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C." He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..." If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did." Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid." The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward." I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper! Hello--
Thanks so much for posting this. I have a gut feeling that this Post is going to help alot of people! I have never posted here before, but I really felt compelled to now.
I predict that this will help others--- 1. feel less alone, 2. feel less crazy, 3. feel empowered, 4. feel like being honest with Themselves. I know your post has done this for me!!
Hang in there Hon. You are pretty hard on yourself. I see U taking many steps already--in the Positive direction.
God Bless U---
ChatterRachelle |
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November 19, 2007, 5:37 pm PST
Quote From: laneese I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving...." That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C." He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..." If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did." Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid." The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward." I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper! Oh my God in heaven!~~ I think I would pack up my child and go to a womens shelter before I spent another night with a guy that would blow off accusations of his own little girl, getting abused. What a jerk, low life,trashy person he is. That's something a real man/father would not do under any circumstances. I hope by now you've found another way to get through life that does NOT include him...Also your mother sucks. If this story is true, you need to kick her ass right out of your life also. |
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November 20, 2007, 3:38 am PST
Quote From: laneese I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving...." That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C." He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..." If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did." Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid." The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward." I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper!
Go to the website lovefraud.com and read everything you see there. You have been married to a sociopath who has no ability to love and whose sole interests are power and sex.
This situation is, unfortunately, amazingly common and appears to be getting worse in this country.
That is the situation for Michelle and her husband.
This man is only with you now because he needs the job and he is a master manipulator. His only interest in life is getting HIS NEEDS MET.
Leave and go to a woman's shelter. You cannot afford NOT TO. |
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November 20, 2007, 9:16 pm PST
Quote From: lanee I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil. My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, 'How do you know he's lying? Because his lips are moving....' That is my husband. We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing 'C.' He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or 'that's just stupid...' If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my 'imagination' for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion. His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this. When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say 'what' happened, but she could not say 'when' it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state. The other child was already back with the mother. I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that 'all guys did.' Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember 'such an awesome experience,' so I began pretending that I did remember. He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual...'you're just stupid.' The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. This is when my eyes were opened. Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACEintensive program. My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9') and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc. Like the husband on the show, 'isn't it convenient' that all his infidelities were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure. I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well. My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't 'allowed' to. He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much. I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we 'just need to move forward.' I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more. My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800 Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper! My thoughts are with you... but if you watch the 3rd part of this series... you may fear fo your life. I hope this opens your eyes and you get out of this very TOXIC relationship! It wil be so much better for your children and YOU! Turn and make that chage and leave and make a new life fo yourself.
Take care of yourself...pleeeeeease!
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