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Replies to '07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions'
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November 19, 2007, 10:09 am PST
 Quote From: robinhoho First & foremost know & own the fact that this is HIS addiction...........NOT YOURS! I too have been there & know first hand how devestating this can be. The effects of HIS addiction & your PAST inabilities to remain sober yourself (although initially thought to be only a means to numb the pain for you & hide your shame of him............sound just like that at this point............a thing of the PAST) Please keep present & hold your head ever so high. Do not be intimidated or allow yourself to be degraded by him. Listen to and honor that little voice within you. Stay SOBER,GET INDEPENDENT & NOT CODEPENDENT & lead by example for yourr little girl. Children are extremely intuitive & know or sense when things are not right..........and this is clearly soooooooooooooooo wrong. A woman's shelter with PEACE & SERENITY will be 10,000 times better than moving to a rental with a man who you couldn't & shouldn't trust. Trust is something that is earned & as far as I am concerned, this unfortunate soul has earned his way OUT of yours & your daughter's lives. Trust him with her for NOT 2 SECONDS.
Having dated my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before my daughter & I married him..........he was to become "Daddy to her" & life was supposed to be wonderful, he was the man who was too good to be true, I thought I knew him inside & out ......yet, as it all turned out.................He was NOT TRUE. Two months after I married him & four days before he was supposed to adopt my daughter, I uncovered his deep dark secret past. A life full of demons he had & continues to live with today.............almost seven years later. As said in prior responses from others.............."A leopard DOESN'T change his spots" - this is ever sooooooooooo true.
To say it was easy to move to where we are today would not be so, because as a woman & mother I think there is so much internal dialogue that "we can fix this.........., yet the truth of the matter is that we can not...............only he can fix himself . Send him on his way with blessings that he does, so that he doesn't destroy any other lives & you move away from the past & the pain. Easier said than done, but try to FORGIVE............you'll never forget, but do forgive so you move to a place of freedom for yourself. Anger only errodes oneself. You must make your daughter your priority above all else. Without a strong , loving , supportive, self respecting mother , she will devalue herself & no mother wants that for their child. The strongest influence in her life will & should be you. Lead by example & hold your head high & know that "You are a Powerful Woman who is Deserving of Love & Being Loved in Return ," yet at this point ....let that LOVE, be LOVE OF ONESELF! Be good to you & move on. Better to be alone than to be with someone & be so lonely. Have faith in yourself & vow to do all that you need to do to make YOUR LIFE A WONDERFUL LIFE. Life is what we make it & you can either continue to stay where you are & move to a rental which is totally ABSURD or you can CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL. All we do in life is based on choices........I once learned years ago a little life saver that I will share with you..............hold your hand up ; palm facing you & look at your hand..............lable each finger & starting with the thumb label it "RISK", index finger = "TRUST", middle finger + "LOVE", ring finger = "ACCEPT" , pinky finger = "GROW" & in the palm of your hand = "CHOICE" .....................the synopsis of it all is.............in life with everything we do, we are taking a "RISK" & we must "TRUST " & "LOVE " oneself enough to take that risk & from that "ACCEPT" the outcome as it be & from our experience "GROW" ....................to do it all is based upon a "CHOICE", so ............"CHOOSE to make YOUR LIFE WONDERFUL." As Dr. Phil says so eloquently...............better to be in something for a year & get out , than to be there for 1 year and a DAY!!! Meditate & stay strong & KNOW that you are NOT the only one out there in this situation. It is ever so present in this society , sadly to say. Here is a little something to read & think about daily.
The Best Day Of MY Life
Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!
There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!
Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.
I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.
Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care about them and how much they mean to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.
I'll remember that to worry is just a wste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.
Tonight, before i go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be ........... The Best Day Of My Life!
All the best to you. Robin
Robin~
Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. Yes, it seems as if this is a far more commonproblem that as a society, people might not want to believe. It is tragic,traumatizing, hideous, and so very unnecessary.
Yes, this is his addiction, and not mine, and it took me years to realize that. For years,he had flagrant disregard for my well being, and trashed me to everyone we knew, including my family. I felt inferior, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and that was only the beginning. I am not any of those things. I decline propositions should they arise, and I really am OK. The programming is the hardest thing to undo. The household revolved around his ejaculation, and I didn't even know it. There was no regard for my basic bill of rights as a human being. I was devalued and objectified. He had my psychologist fooled, (for years....) he had literally convinced everyone we knew that he was a poor innocent victim, while pretending to be happy and fine to my face. I was unaware of the emotional and sexual abuse being just that---abuse. I just thought it came with his territory and who was I to question it? My blog was shocking to my closer friends, because I had always painted a picture of this Polyana perfect marriage and home. People who know me WELL, e-mailed me to ask if this was the "same husband I am married to" or perhaps I was referring to an ex. His family, friends, and the like are unaware of his indiscretions and addictions, due to his shame. Thankfully I have a great support system, not from my family,but from my Dr's and Therapists. Your words were right from your heart, and I very much appreciate them. Thank you. I am indeed grateful for today, and each moment I am given. I now realize I do have a right to exist, and my daughter is experiencing a calmer, more serene, and more centered Mom, because I am "present" for me. And yes, Robin, today IS the best day of my life. It's all I've got. I take things one day at a time.....trying to keep in mind that sometimes good people do bad things, so that I can forgive and stay out of the anger rut for my own well being. My sobriety, self awareness, and basic human rights are my protection, and I intend to make fair, and not drastic choices. Do I get nervous? Sure I do. There are times I am so fearful I can't speak, but I appear strong, and I am even stronger. I am not afraid of him anymore. I still care and wish him well. I do know what I need to do, and I also know I need to do it soon, but finances will not permit---TODAY---that is not to say that it will be this way forever....so I take it as God gives it to me....one breath at a time. Thank you for the 5-finger analogy. I will remember that. You are a great soul. God Blessyou! |
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November 19, 2007, 3:46 pm PST
Quote From: robinhoho First & foremost know & own the fact that this is HIS addiction...........NOT YOURS! I too have been there & know first hand how devestating this can be. The effects of HIS addiction & your PAST inabilities to remain sober yourself (although initially thought to be only a means to numb the pain for you & hide your shame of him............sound just like that at this point............a thing of the PAST) Please keep present & hold your head ever so high. Do not be intimidated or allow yourself to be degraded by him. Listen to and honor that little voice within you. Stay SOBER,GET INDEPENDENT & NOT CODEPENDENT & lead by example for yourr little girl. Children are extremely intuitive & know or sense when things are not right..........and this is clearly soooooooooooooooo wrong. A woman's shelter with PEACE & SERENITY will be 10,000 times better than moving to a rental with a man who you couldn't & shouldn't trust. Trust is something that is earned & as far as I am concerned, this unfortunate soul has earned his way OUT of yours & your daughter's lives. Trust him with her for NOT 2 SECONDS.
Having dated my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before my daughter & I married him..........he was to become "Daddy to her" & life was supposed to be wonderful, he was the man who was too good to be true, I thought I knew him inside & out ......yet, as it all turned out.................He was NOT TRUE. Two months after I married him & four days before he was supposed to adopt my daughter, I uncovered his deep dark secret past. A life full of demons he had & continues to live with today.............almost seven years later. As said in prior responses from others.............."A leopard DOESN'T change his spots" - this is ever sooooooooooo true.
To say it was easy to move to where we are today would not be so, because as a woman & mother I think there is so much internal dialogue that "we can fix this.........., yet the truth of the matter is that we can not...............only he can fix himself . Send him on his way with blessings that he does, so that he doesn't destroy any other lives & you move away from the past & the pain. Easier said than done, but try to FORGIVE............you'll never forget, but do forgive so you move to a place of freedom for yourself. Anger only errodes oneself. You must make your daughter your priority above all else. Without a strong , loving , supportive, self respecting mother , she will devalue herself & no mother wants that for their child. The strongest influence in her life will & should be you. Lead by example & hold your head high & know that "You are a Powerful Woman who is Deserving of Love & Being Loved in Return ," yet at this point ....let that LOVE, be LOVE OF ONESELF! Be good to you & move on. Better to be alone than to be with someone & be so lonely. Have faith in yourself & vow to do all that you need to do to make YOUR LIFE A WONDERFUL LIFE. Life is what we make it & you can either continue to stay where you are & move to a rental which is totally ABSURD or you can CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL. All we do in life is based on choices........I once learned years ago a little life saver that I will share with you..............hold your hand up ; palm facing you & look at your hand..............lable each finger & starting with the thumb label it "RISK", index finger = "TRUST", middle finger + "LOVE", ring finger = "ACCEPT" , pinky finger = "GROW" & in the palm of your hand = "CHOICE" .....................the synopsis of it all is.............in life with everything we do, we are taking a "RISK" & we must "TRUST " & "LOVE " oneself enough to take that risk & from that "ACCEPT" the outcome as it be & from our experience "GROW" ....................to do it all is based upon a "CHOICE", so ............"CHOOSE to make YOUR LIFE WONDERFUL." As Dr. Phil says so eloquently...............better to be in something for a year & get out , than to be there for 1 year and a DAY!!! Meditate & stay strong & KNOW that you are NOT the only one out there in this situation. It is ever so present in this society , sadly to say. Here is a little something to read & think about daily.
The Best Day Of MY Life
Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!
There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!
Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.
I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.
Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care about them and how much they mean to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.
I'll remember that to worry is just a wste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.
Tonight, before i go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be ........... The Best Day Of My Life!
All the best to you. Robin
I too was afraid to watch the show but, like you, having gone through so much of the same as you have written above, and him telling me I'm crazy all the time (and believing it), I understand completely. I am married for 28 years. He was a CEO of a co. I know it well, Except until recently, I believed that it was all my fault, and was brainwashed and abused like you as well. I also sought out counseling, and he flatly refused. I learned he is a malignant narcissist and antisocial personality. I never heard of this, thank God for a great therapist who knew I was searching for the answers and am an avid reader so I sought them out. I worked in business for 10 years while we were first married before we had children together. We both had good careers, I earned more than he at that point, then decided to stay home, have moved everywhere with him to further his career, after every job he was fired from (most of the time) and he told me we would move to a better job, better house, better life. he traveled alot, so it was easier to deal with while I was wrapped up in raising two children and he was gone alot. He became extremely controlling (similar to my own mother) blaming me for everything, and got worse through the years, until he finally lost the last job 3 years ago and we were forced to move and now live below the poverty level trying to make it one day at a time. Cant leave, no money, cant go for counseling anymore, and certainly cant read anymore showing me the abuse I've endured for so long that I thought was "normal" emotional and psychological. The poem above that Robin sent you is beautiful, but somedays you cant even get out of bed. I know how they hide the behavior outside and from everyone else too. If you havent read any info on narcissism, let me tell you it sheds a spotlight on what we are going through and dealing with. Unfortunately, theres no "safe place" out there for women like us to run away to, to get your self-esteem back and be able to start over. I thought if I ever had the money, I'd like to start it. I dont think other women know the name for it either. My husband would never even watch Dr. Phil. Are you kidding? he thinks who would go on there and put themselves out there like that? He lies to my face too. When I confront him with proof, he laughed in my face. I have two dogs and a cat, thank God for that. The love and care they give me get me through right now day to day. And some days I take it minute by minute not knowing if I can any longer. Its disgusting they cant be arrested for abuse like this and exposed for who they areally are. At least, on the show now, it is. I hope it helps other women going through the same thing to see its not just them. But, I know, its a lonely existence, feeling you are crazy, believing the insidious behavior which over time, takes every bit of your self-esteem away. I stand on my feet part time in a small town cafe making minimum wage and dont know how we'll pay for utilities this winter, never mind the heating and petfood. He went and applied for welfare....thank God my counselor labeled what I'm dealing with and told me what to read. Most of the books say you really cant help yourself except to leave and start over. I, like you, am in a situation where that is not possible. Thank God for close friends and family who listen to me now that I can no longer afford counseling and I believe God will help me move forward from here. I just hope its soon. Just know, you're not alone.....I will put you on my prayer team too. Its people of all faiths all over the world who pray, envision positivity, and send healing to everyone who needs it. Love and blessings to you! |
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