Replies to '07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions'

Quote From: lighthouseguy

I sad number of posts on here are reflections made by women who have had sadly nothing but bad experiences with men, and in turn, that has colored their judgment of "all" men.  We all make choices in our lives and staying in bad relationships is one of them.  Their are no pats on the back or special awards for continuing in a bad relationship.  As Dr. Phil often says, "We teach people how to treat us."  If people stay in a bad relationship, regardless of the practical reasons and good intentions, are condoning the treatment they are getting even if they say they "fought constantly to change things."  In the end, they never drew a line in the sand saying that "this is all I will tolerate."

A marriage is made up of TWO people meeting each other's needs and loving each other unconditionally, but if one is violating the other's trust, not meeting the other's needs, or not thinking of the marriage as a partnership, then it, in reality, IS NOT a marriage and loving "unconditionally" there makes no sense if it is only one-sided.  There are no special rewards for "hanging in there" in such cases and Dr. Phil would be the first to say that "staying together for the kids" is a load of bunk as kids suffer far more from a dysfunctional marriage than from a divorce.  Get out when you have to as staying may hurt all involved.

No one loves a martyr for a bad marriage.  They want sympathy for a situation they should have gotten out of years ago.  How many on here began their stories with "My husband of 40 years was . . ." or "My boyfriend of 8 years is . . ."  Their stories are tragic not just because the terrible hardships they endured, but also because they chose to endure it.  Excuses of "I was trying to save my marriage" or "I just couldn't leave him" or "He needs me but doesn't realize it" are not based in any real reality and are designed to make us feel better about being taken advantage of for so long.  It almost becomes boastful in regards to how much crap someone took and "hung in there."  Again, there are no rewards for this.  You and your kids suffer and in addition so does the other spouse who shoud really be cut loose since he or she isn't respecting the marriage anyhow.

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MY STORY:  As a 44 year old man I'm well aware that a good number of women on here may distrust my point of view considering the posts of "All men are . . ." and the horrific husband on this show, but I'm going to chance it that someone may benefit from my story.

I've been with my wife for 25 years (22 in actual marriage) and there is no doubt in either of our minds that we are each other's soulmate; however, we've also both learned that that alone doesn't always make for a happy marriage.  Sadly, loving is not always enough.  I've been a teacher for 17 years and my wife was fortunate enough to start off as a secretary in a bank that lead to her becoming its vice president.  Along the way she took me and the kids for granted and began to become distant.  Her job was everything and we all became an annoying distraction.  With my teacher schedule I was expected, and to some degree rightfully so, to be on top of things with the kids since I was home most with them, but that didn't excuse my wife from being a mom.  This doesn't mean she didn't love her kids, only that she was cold towards them and rarely expressed lover or respect to them or me.

Since my wife had become a vice president of a bank, I was viewed as "just a teacher."  In addition, she was bitter over my summers off with the kids and all the holidays I had.  Between looking down on my profession and her jealousy over my close relationship with our kids, she began a long slow withdrawl from all of us.  She never had an affair, but her job was the equivalent of a lover to me.  I, like many of the women on here, fought with me wife to change what was happening, get marriage counseling, and SHOW us that she loved us, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.  Could I play the victim here?  Sure, but the reality is it took me 10 years of this behavior to finally draw a line in the sand and say enough.  I taught my wife that all my bitching and complaining meant nothing as I would stay with her regardless.  I taught her to take advantage of me.

Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean having to die a martyr's death.  I loved my wife then and now, but I knew we could not survive in what appeared to be a one-sided marriage and she knew that as well.  We talked divorce and even began the initial steps.  It wasn't until I was within several weeks of actually moving out that my wife finally said, "I still love you.  I don't want you to go, but if you feel like it's gone too far, you should have the house and the kids and I should go.  I'm the one throwing it all away, not you."

We never divorced.  We never separated.  We never went down this road again.  My wife admitted later that she needed me to stand up to her.  She knew she was taking advantage of me and secretly resented me for not drawing that line in the sand sooner.  Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with all of his or her crap because if he or she really loved you unconditionally, he or she would change.  My wife did, but I had to take a stand and make a choice.  The change didn't come until I decided to stop playing the victim and that's when I actually earned my wife's respect back.

Well, that's my story.  There are a lot more details and I've overly simplified things here, but I hope my point comes across.  Take charge of your life and stop laying down in front of the bus as if that was noble.  No one will respect you until you respect yourself and being the only one fighting to keep a marriage afloat is a sure sign that it's already dead and you are trying to revive a corpse.  Stop being a martyr!

With respect,
Steve

Quote From: lighthouseguy

I sad number of posts on here are reflections made by women who have had sadly nothing but bad experiences with men, and in turn, that has colored their judgment of "all" men.  We all make choices in our lives and staying in bad relationships is one of them.  Their are no pats on the back or special awards for continuing in a bad relationship.  As Dr. Phil often says, "We teach people how to treat us."  If people stay in a bad relationship, regardless of the practical reasons and good intentions, are condoning the treatment they are getting even if they say they "fought constantly to change things."  In the end, they never drew a line in the sand saying that "this is all I will tolerate."

A marriage is made up of TWO people meeting each other's needs and loving each other unconditionally, but if one is violating the other's trust, not meeting the other's needs, or not thinking of the marriage as a partnership, then it, in reality, IS NOT a marriage and loving "unconditionally" there makes no sense if it is only one-sided.  There are no special rewards for "hanging in there" in such cases and Dr. Phil would be the first to say that "staying together for the kids" is a load of bunk as kids suffer far more from a dysfunctional marriage than from a divorce.  Get out when you have to as staying may hurt all involved.

No one loves a martyr for a bad marriage.  They want sympathy for a situation they should have gotten out of years ago.  How many on here began their stories with "My husband of 40 years was . . ." or "My boyfriend of 8 years is . . ."  Their stories are tragic not just because the terrible hardships they endured, but also because they chose to endure it.  Excuses of "I was trying to save my marriage" or "I just couldn't leave him" or "He needs me but doesn't realize it" are not based in any real reality and are designed to make us feel better about being taken advantage of for so long.  It almost becomes boastful in regards to how much crap someone took and "hung in there."  Again, there are no rewards for this.  You and your kids suffer and in addition so does the other spouse who shoud really be cut loose since he or she isn't respecting the marriage anyhow.

********************************************************************************************************************

MY STORY:  As a 44 year old man I'm well aware that a good number of women on here may distrust my point of view considering the posts of "All men are . . ." and the horrific husband on this show, but I'm going to chance it that someone may benefit from my story.

I've been with my wife for 25 years (22 in actual marriage) and there is no doubt in either of our minds that we are each other's soulmate; however, we've also both learned that that alone doesn't always make for a happy marriage.  Sadly, loving is not always enough.  I've been a teacher for 17 years and my wife was fortunate enough to start off as a secretary in a bank that lead to her becoming its vice president.  Along the way she took me and the kids for granted and began to become distant.  Her job was everything and we all became an annoying distraction.  With my teacher schedule I was expected, and to some degree rightfully so, to be on top of things with the kids since I was home most with them, but that didn't excuse my wife from being a mom.  This doesn't mean she didn't love her kids, only that she was cold towards them and rarely expressed lover or respect to them or me.

Since my wife had become a vice president of a bank, I was viewed as "just a teacher."  In addition, she was bitter over my summers off with the kids and all the holidays I had.  Between looking down on my profession and her jealousy over my close relationship with our kids, she began a long slow withdrawl from all of us.  She never had an affair, but her job was the equivalent of a lover to me.  I, like many of the women on here, fought with me wife to change what was happening, get marriage counseling, and SHOW us that she loved us, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.  Could I play the victim here?  Sure, but the reality is it took me 10 years of this behavior to finally draw a line in the sand and say enough.  I taught my wife that all my bitching and complaining meant nothing as I would stay with her regardless.  I taught her to take advantage of me.

Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean having to die a martyr's death.  I loved my wife then and now, but I knew we could not survive in what appeared to be a one-sided marriage and she knew that as well.  We talked divorce and even began the initial steps.  It wasn't until I was within several weeks of actually moving out that my wife finally said, "I still love you.  I don't want you to go, but if you feel like it's gone too far, you should have the house and the kids and I should go.  I'm the one throwing it all away, not you."

We never divorced.  We never separated.  We never went down this road again.  My wife admitted later that she needed me to stand up to her.  She knew she was taking advantage of me and secretly resented me for not drawing that line in the sand sooner.  Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with all of his or her crap because if he or she really loved you unconditionally, he or she would change.  My wife did, but I had to take a stand and make a choice.  The change didn't come until I decided to stop playing the victim and that's when I actually earned my wife's respect back.

Well, that's my story.  There are a lot more details and I've overly simplified things here, but I hope my point comes across.  Take charge of your life and stop laying down in front of the bus as if that was noble.  No one will respect you until you respect yourself and being the only one fighting to keep a marriage afloat is a sure sign that it's already dead and you are trying to revive a corpse.  Stop being a martyr!

With respect,
Steve