Quote From: hisbestfriendI am engaged to a wonderful man who lost his wife to cancer over 10 years ago during the Christmas holidays. We love each other very much and have a very open and honest relationship.
He is unable to celebrate this holiday and other significant days and I feel for him and understand to the extent that I am able, but how do I get through it with my own happiness about the season without making it harder for him?
I have 2 older children and would like to keep our own traditions going and involve him in them. He has done very well on other significant days in the past to keep his emotions in check and I didn't realize how hard it was for him until last night when we had planned on shopping for our families and he became very "hard" all of a sudden. I didn't realize the impact of it until we came back home and I brought it up so that we could get it out in the open and to let him know that I can deal with it as long as I know what is happening.
He was very open with me about his feelings and letting me see his vulnerability and even though I haven't been through it myself, I am very touched by the love and devotion he felt towards her. It's one of the reasons for my attraction to him in the first place.
My concern is adding to his already fragile state. Ultimately, this season for me is about keeping up "traditions" with my own children and extended family, but just as importantly, for my fiancee and I to create our own nice memories of the season and based on our conversation last night, I don't see how that will happen with the grief he is still experiencing. Any advice or experience with this from anyone here is very much appreciated.
Thank you
You're not making Christmas hard for your Fiance...he is, but not deliberately. Complicated grief is difficult to live with. Ten years is a long time, but to him, his loss could seem like yesterday.
He wants to move on with his life or he would not be with you. Guilt for wanting to love and laugh again might be keeping him down. He might feel like he's betraying his deceased wife and won't give himself permission to completely move on with his life.
There are many things that can be catalysts to his grief. Sometimes they can't be separated. Complicated grief can cause depression, sadness, anger/rage, hostility, resentment, severe remorse, helplessness, and turning off memories is impossible.
Perhaps he doesn't know how to manage being a survivor, and he might need grief counselling.
Just be happy around him and maybe it will rub off.
