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Replies to 'Infidelity'
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December 2, 2007, 9:27 am PST
 Quote From: jelebean1 I think the most undeniable fact through all this is how much I really do love him and I do know that he loves us. We truly have a soulmate type of relationship but I despise his lack of respect. (Surprise-the man has NO friends that he associates with whatsoever.) He hates the self destructive behavior he has as much as I do and I see this as no different than a situation with drug addict or alcoholic. It really is an illness and I think my own guilt is a huge part of what is making me stay too. I believe you don't just walk out on someone while they are down.
As far as what you mentioned about having to be around him more goes-his work schedule either has him in another state or country or completely home. He does not go to an office daily. We are either 100% or nothing. My biggest gripe right now- I confronted him over a month ago and although he wrote me an extremely honest, enlightening letter, he has made no effort to get himself into counseling as he said he would.
I think part of the reasons I have not left him: Yes, income has a lot to do with it, our rural location, the fact that this is my third marriage and I hate to say I made another poor choice, which, realistically I have known for a long time. I made mistakes early in life that I still pay for and with children involved it makes me look at all perspectives considering it is not all about me but more so about them. As far as his nasty habits go-he does acknowledge that his lying was there long before me. He has a constant need to nourish a poor ego. Obviously his self esteem is incredibly low. (Yes, mine must be right now too, I know.....) He is now released from physical therapy so his stroke is not an issue. My own mother is more than likely dying from cancer and is 8 hours away. I keep thinking about how much I need to be there with her rather than here where I do not feel respected or appreciated. Of course the children have school so that is a stumbling block for me where that is concerned. I feel like I need space but am scared to take it! And yes, I am at a point of ultimatum that I am ready to back up! OK, you're being honest with youself, a very good beginning. Now, I'm going to suggest that you go spend time with your mother. Don't let anything persuade you not to do this, your husband's stroke "is not an issue" anymore, there's no excuse. If it's something that you will regret for the rest of your life by not doing, then find a way to make arrangements with your kids and go. This is not something that your husband or anybody else has a say in, this is your mother sick with cancer. Suggest to your husband that you would like him to start the promised counseling while you are gone, as you are sure that there are things he would feel more comfortable speaking one-on-one with the counselor about. Your mother is your focus at the moment, as is natural and as she deserves, but that you will be focusing on your marriage and join him when you get back. You really need him to make a start though, and give you a convincing show that your marriage is worth all the heartache. You can acknowledge his low self-esteem without letting him get away with using it as his excuse to treat you bad. His behavior is his behavior. Don't be scared to take the time to see your mother and get "space." If your husband is going to continue to indulge in "nasty habits" he will do it whether you're there or not. The only difference is that you will always regret letting your fear of what he may or may not do keep you from doing what you should do. You were honest with yourself and me, now do something for yourself and take this step. |
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