Replies to 'Cheated On'

 

As I have stated before I think men have the edge on cheating, but we women are working hard to catch up.    AND what really grinds my cookies is that when women cheat we usually damage another  innocent female and her children.  I could NEVER do to another woman what has been done to me. 

 

I also believe the divorce economics issue is slowly changing-support, custody, etc.

 

Yes, infidelity is an equal opportunity situation and it hurts worse than any experience in my life, including my mother's death.

 

We usually have one or two men on this board, but I think the new format has driven them away.

 

  

Well, my reply is 3 1/2 months after you posed this question...but, if you're looking for a response from a man who was cheated on by his wife...... 

  

...and, let me tell you, it's crushing. 

  

I found out about it August 10th.  We do all of our bill paying over the Internet and, for the first time in God knows when, I looked over the electronic copy of our cell phone records.  I work three twelve hour shifts per week...midnight to noon, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  There were calls on the bill that started shortly after I left the house for work and went on until four in the morning and later.  There were wake-up calls for her in the morning so that she'd be able to get up and take care of our daughter.  There were calls made when, after working all night, I was passed out asleep on our bed.  In short there were calls...hundreds of hours of them.  When I confronted my wife, she claimed that it wasn't an affair.  She was full of tears and said that she'd been having problems, this person was having problems, and they were just talking.   She looked me dead in the eyes and, with a sincerity that I'd never believe could be faked, said that sex outside our marriage "is a line I'd never cross."  And I believed her. 

  

What, at the time, I thought was the worst kick in the pants I could ever feel was when I looked at the call records for my birthday.  This year it was on a Sunday.  When I got to work Saturday night, I sat by the phone and waited.  She was awake when I left and I felt sure that she'd give me a call at midnight to wish me a happy 34th.  She didn't.  I waited until one in the morning and gave up.  She did end up calling mid-morning on Sunday...sang Happy Birthday to me, in fact.  I remember feeling lucky and loved then.  When I looked at the phone records, I felt neither.  He'd called her at around 11:30 Saturday night, they stayed on the phone until after four.  Then he gave her a wake-up call a few minutes before nine...they talked for awhile, then she called me for a minute or two.  Somehow, my wife spending my birthday talking to her lover and calling me only after he phoned to make sure she did...well, somehow that didn't make me feel very special. 

Anyhow, two days after I found the records, she told me she wanted to end our ten year marriage. We talked, yelled, and screamed over the next week.  Though she wouldn't admit to anything more than phone calls, I kicked her out of the house.  I let her come home a couple of days later; we talked some more, cried harder, blah, blah, blah...it took another couple of weeks before the full truth (or as much of it as I can bear) came out.  Yes, it was an affair. 

We're working on our marriage every day, but, believe me, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.  Yes, there's anger.  I try not to think of the past, but it's hard not to remember the nights I tucked my daughter into bed and explained that mommy was out with the girls from work.  It hurts to know I was lied to and used...that I assumed full parental responsibilities while she was out doing...doing... 

  

And, yeah, our marriage had it's problems (more than I knew, I guess) but I always worked so hard.  I did most of the housework, was the primary caregiver for our daughter, was outside tying "I Love You" balloons to my wife's care at five in the morning on Valentines' Day, and, yes, pulled down a heck of a larger income.  None of that mattered though.  As much as I tried to make things better, none of it worked...none of it stopped her from lying, cheating, and destroying.  And that hurts.  It hurts because every time we'd have a good day or two in a row, I would think to myself..."This is where it starts getting better.  This is where all the work I've poured into this marriage pays off.."  Of course, it didn't.  That's one of the worst aspects...no matter what I did, I never really had a chance because we were both living a lie--the only difference is that she was aware of this. 

And let's talk about the abuse.  You know, it's funny how much of what she told me about myself I believed.  I was this, I was that, I was weak, I was blah, blah, blah.  She beat me down so that she could feel less guilt about what she was doing--that making me into an ogre allowed her to justify her actions.  How distrustful I was because she wanted to take a weekend to herself and "go where the wind carries me."  And the sad thing is...I believed her.  I beat the hell out of myself for nearly a year because she convinced me that I wasn't good enough...that I was nothing. 

And, how can we forget the suspicion?  That's another kicker.  Yes, I suspected.  Yes, I'd go through her car looking for evidence...but when I didn't find it I'd convince myself that I was pathetic--what was so wrong with me that I couldn't trust my wife?  When I drove by the gym to make sure her car was there, went through her purse because I was so sure...and never found anything...God, I felt so worthless for not being able to trust. 

And there's no way to talk about being cheated on without a mention of sex...is there?  I don't have a woman's perspective, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb here and say that it's a heck of a lot rougher for a man to be on the receiving end of infidelity.  Come on...whether it's society or biology that's programmed us, I think it's safe to say that women are a lot more accepting of the idea of a cheating spouse.  I'm not saying it's easy for women to deal with...just easier.  For example, the other day my wife was getting prepped, she was standing in front of a mirror, wearing nothing but a thong, and putting on make-up.  I told her how sexy she is and, just as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that I wasn't the only man who's seen her like that in the last few months.  That's crippling for a man.  It's devastating to realize that another man's hands were on his wife...and not being able to help but wonder twisted things like..."how many times did I have sex with her the same day he did?"  And now even the act is difficult at times...women can pretend to be turned on--it's hard for a man to fake an erection.  I've never had this problem before and it's a wallop to the ego to just "deflate" at times.   

So, now it's three months and a day since I stumbled upon the phone records.  We're working hard, she's wracked with guilt, and both of us are changing and growing as individuals.  And it still hurts...but I do my best; I don't beat her with what she's done and I go out of my why not to abuse her guilt.  I hope we'll be happily married one day.  I hope the time comes when I can go a day or two or four without thinking about this.  Most of all, I pray for the time when I don't feel like I've been kicked in the throat. 

I'm sorry for the divorces you've seen and all the drama that has caused them.  The fact that women do it too, doesn't make it any better.  We all know there are married women who cheat on their husbands.  The woman my husband cheated with was married.  We knew the couple.  Women don't get alimony by default either (at least not in this state).  I talked to an attorney and I might have walked away with enough to cover daycare for our three children while I work if I was super lucky.  We have a 2yr and 9month old, and the child I'm caring that I got pregnant with while he was with her.  A man can't know the pain of conceiving a child of your spouses while he was trying to get another woman pregnant.  She wanted a baby, and I found a letter with both their handwriting where he told her he wanted to marry her, and he came home upset one day before I knew about the affair and was complaining because her husband refused to give her a child (her affairs were why) She found out that I was pregnant and called to say some really nasty things to include a comment about me being stupid for keeping the baby.  I DO NOT believe in abortion unless the child is a result of a rape or other sever circumstances.  Women and men alike in these situations have a lot of nerve.  Which sex cheats more brings no equality, just more pain into the world.  It helps to talk, 

Meg 

I replied earlier and in reading my reply I realize my tone could be taken as directed toward your quote.  Please understand my upset and anger was with my situation, the things that were replaying in my mind, and not with what you had said.  There is a lot I need to get out of my system and I don't want to beat my husband with it bring my marriage further from where it needs to be.