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Replies to 'Infidelity'
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July 29, 2005, 6:40 am PDT
 Quote From: lilacmess Although the timeline is really bizarre, bizarre that he would even care after 12 years of marriage that you slept around while he was sleeping around and even more bizarrre that 5 years later he still hasn't gotten over it, I think you need to at least consider what he might be feeling . . . with an eye toward healing this situation, of course. After all, whatever you've been doing for five years hasn't worked. Time to try something new. I think I might understand to some extent what your husband is feeling, although on a much much smaller scale. I moved in with my now husband after we had been dating but living in separate towns for several months. A few months after we moved in together, it came out that he had spent quite a bit of time out at bars without me while we were just dating and I was living an hour away. It got me thinking about all those nights that I had called him and he hasn't answered his phone. I imagined him sitting at some bar and hearing his phone ring and looking at it, seeing my name on the Caller ID, and deciding not to answer. Because he was busy flirting with some other girl maybe? Because he didn't want anyone to know he had a girlfriend? His explanation for it all was that it just took him longer to decide for sure that I was the one he wanted than it took for me to decide the same about him. Now, all of this came out when we were living together and engaged to be married and he had obviously definitely decided by then that I was the one for him. Still, it bothered me so much to know that he hadn't been certain of that as soon as I'd been certain of it. It made me doubt every nice or loving thing he had ever said to me during our dating period before we moved in together. Suddenly, some of the special moments of our first few months together, moments I cherished in my memory, didn't seem so special. It especially hurt when I realized that, had I known back then that he was spending a lot of time out at bars without me and not telling me about it, I would have broken up with him. It suddenly ocurred to me that in the beginning, I was involved in a totally different relationship from the one he was involved in. I was at home missing him and he was out partying without me and probably hitting on other women just in case it didn't work out with me. I'm over it now, of course. But it bothered me for a long time, the discovery that my memories of our early days were flawed. Perhaps this is what's going on for your husband. Perhaps he feels like you destroyed his memories. Just an idea.
I agree with you in the fact that it stained the image he had of me in being a good girl in his eyes just sitting at home waiting for my turn til he got around to seeing me.. We weren't even living together at the time, just dating, he had like 8 girls on a string and when he told me that he just didn't want to date one girl, I said oh well, guess I will date a couple of guys that were interested in me at the time. What he is upset with is the fact that I had sex with one of the guys and 12 years later he says he hears about it at work, and he specifically said in our dating years for me not to date someone from out where he works.. It wasn't like I set out to date someone from his work, which like over 1500 hundred people work where he works. I'm not saying what I did was right, but he wasn't committed to me at the time. Once we moved in together I never saw any of these guys again. My counselor that I saw said he has double standard issues that it was okay for him to see more than one, but women aren't supose to do that.. I'm not sure but I feel it is deeper than that, because I don't care to know the details of what he did with each one of these girls and who performed the best and which one do I prefer. To me that is so sick, why would you want to know those things..I was married before I met him for seven years and was faithful, my husband wanted a younger woman, so anyways I don't know what the real answer is to this, lookig at his family now they were very dysfunctional, they all have some sort of problem, drinking, the dad was verbal abusive to the mom, and they have all had marriage problems in other realtions.. I am just taking one day at a time and hope for the best.. Sometimes my husband will drink too much, but then he will go for days and not touch the stuff.. I don't understand that either cause I was raised in a home where we didn'tdrink.. But when he does drink he doesn't know when to stop and he drinks until he just passses out... I wished now that I would have known more about all the family issues he had with his on family before I got involved.. On top of that we have had to deal with the fact that his dad shot his self eleven years ago and that was hard, his dad had bad health after all the years of drinking he had done and later had his leg amputated... Thanks for the rsponse and I wish you the best in your life.... |
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