Replies to '06/18 "My Big, Fat, Spoiled Family Member"'

I agree...it's a 'void' in their lives, but how does one determine what that 'void' is?

I have a beautiful, intelligent, successful, 37 year old daughter that drives me crazy with her 'shopping'!  I raised her with plenty of "No's" and plenty of training.  Allowance was earned, part was saved, budgets were created.  When she wanted her first pair of Nikes (at 13), I told her to 'get a job'...she did!  She babysat to earn those Nikes!  She had to buy her own car...including her first one.  She was well taught on the value of a dollar and how to spend/save.

Her first job was at a shoe store and it was then that I began to see a 'problem'.  She had little to no 'paycheck' at the end of the week and her room was filled with clothes, shoes, jewlery and makeup.

She went into the Air Force rite after graduation and has spent the rest of her adult life there.  She has never been married, has a 10 year old son and lives with her father.  Every time she is deployed, mom takes care of her son, cleans her place and gets her bills caught up.  On top of being a shopaholic, she is a hoarder (so is her father).

She has a huge heart and gives to folks in need, does for several charities, and overwhelms her family and friends at Christmas.  Her son?  SPOILED!  She was warned from the time he was born, what her parenting 'style' would do, but she wouldn't listen to anyone.  She thought it was 'cute' and he was her only child.  "He will have what I didn't."  At 8, she suddenly slammed on the brakes...it wasn't 'cute' anymore when the school began to call.  The result?  She has become abusive with him and he is now in therapy.  She won't even admit there is a 'problem' with her...let alone get help.

Last year, she was deployed to Iraq.  Her son was already living with me so the transition wasn't too bad.  As it neared time for her to come back, her son began to have tantrums.  It sadly became obvious that he didn't want her to come back!  Rite before it was time for her to return, my situation changed and he was forced to return to live with his mom.  Moving him back, I discovered the ugly truth about the way my daughter and grandson lived.  I had to report her...for my grandsons sake.

With a broken leg, I dug through mountains of 'stuff' just to find a bed.  The cats had used my grandsons room as a liter box - I had to gut his room and start from scratch.  All summer, I slaved in the basement of my former husbands house, trying to dig through tons of clothing, trash and cat feces.  It wasn't pretty, nor was it 'done' when she returned.  She returned with a 30 day 'notice' that if she didn't clean up the environment, her son would be removed.  Needless to say, these have been some 'trying' times.  I couldn't believe my daughter, who always looks so well put together, was living in such filth.  You couldn't find the floor!  Brand new items were on the floor being walked on!

In the effort to 'clean up', much of the 'stuff' was boxed or bagged to be sorted later.  She was furious and went on an extended 'shopping spree' to 'replace' what she couldn't 'find'.  She could afford to do that...mom had paid all her debts, including some from 1996 and had thousands in her savings account!  I got laid up with a broken wrist and herniated disks in my neck...the clean-up came to a stand-still.  I asked her about her 'need to shop'.  She said she gets a 'high' from it.  I asked her about the bills...she doesn't worry about them!  I asked her if she is happy living like this...she didn't answer.  I asked her if she thought buying for her son the way she does was 'good for him'.  I was told "I make good money and like to spend it...big deal....MY son will NOT be raised the way I was...he won't wear bobos or wait for his birthday or Christmas for new clothes..............."  I was devestated!  This is 'my' fault?  Perhaps it is.  Perhaps I said "no" too often, made her wait too long, made her feel inferior to her friends?  Did this put the 'void' in her that she is trying to fill now?  Meantime...what happens to my grandson?  After living with me, she knows better than to beat him like she used to, but how do I stop the over indulgence?  How do I stop her from trying to 'buy' his love?  If you could have been here at Christmas.....it's pathetic! 

Is it the parent's fault these people have 'voids'?  If so, what do we do now?  It will be interesting to see Dr. Phil's take on this issue.

Sunny

I agree...it's a 'void' in their lives, but how does one determine what that 'void' is?

I have a beautiful, intelligent, successful, 37 year old daughter that drives me crazy with her 'shopping'!  I raised her with plenty of "No's" and plenty of training.  Allowance was earned, part was saved, budgets were created.  When she wanted her first pair of Nikes (at 13), I told her to 'get a job'...she did!  She babysat to earn those Nikes!  She had to buy her own car...including her first one.  She was well taught on the value of a dollar and how to spend/save.

Her first job was at a shoe store and it was then that I began to see a 'problem'.  She had little to no 'paycheck' at the end of the week and her room was filled with clothes, shoes, jewlery and makeup.

She went into the Air Force rite after graduation and has spent the rest of her adult life there.  She has never been married, has a 10 year old son and lives with her father.  Every time she is deployed, mom takes care of her son, cleans her place and gets her bills caught up.  On top of being a shopaholic, she is a hoarder (so is her father).

She has a huge heart and gives to folks in need, does for several charities, and overwhelms her family and friends at Christmas.  Her son?  SPOILED!  She was warned from the time he was born, what her parenting 'style' would do, but she wouldn't listen to anyone.  She thought it was 'cute' and he was her only child.  "He will have what I didn't."  At 8, she suddenly slammed on the brakes...it wasn't 'cute' anymore when the school began to call.  The result?  She has become abusive with him and he is now in therapy.  She won't even admit there is a 'problem' with her...let alone get help.

Last year, she was deployed to Iraq.  Her son was already living with me so the transition wasn't too bad.  As it neared time for her to come back, her son began to have tantrums.  It sadly became obvious that he didn't want her to come back!  Rite before it was time for her to return, my situation changed and he was forced to return to live with his mom.  Moving him back, I discovered the ugly truth about the way my daughter and grandson lived.  I had to report her...for my grandsons sake.

With a broken leg, I dug through mountains of 'stuff' just to find a bed.  The cats had used my grandsons room as a liter box - I had to gut his room and start from scratch.  All summer, I slaved in the basement of my former husbands house, trying to dig through tons of clothing, trash and cat feces.  It wasn't pretty, nor was it 'done' when she returned.  She returned with a 30 day 'notice' that if she didn't clean up the environment, her son would be removed.  Needless to say, these have been some 'trying' times.  I couldn't believe my daughter, who always looks so well put together, was living in such filth.  You couldn't find the floor!  Brand new items were on the floor being walked on!

In the effort to 'clean up', much of the 'stuff' was boxed or bagged to be sorted later.  She was furious and went on an extended 'shopping spree' to 'replace' what she couldn't 'find'.  She could afford to do that...mom had paid all her debts, including some from 1996 and had thousands in her savings account!  I got laid up with a broken wrist and herniated disks in my neck...the clean-up came to a stand-still.  I asked her about her 'need to shop'.  She said she gets a 'high' from it.  I asked her about the bills...she doesn't worry about them!  I asked her if she is happy living like this...she didn't answer.  I asked her if she thought buying for her son the way she does was 'good for him'.  I was told "I make good money and like to spend it...big deal....MY son will NOT be raised the way I was...he won't wear bobos or wait for his birthday or Christmas for new clothes..............."  I was devestated!  This is 'my' fault?  Perhaps it is.  Perhaps I said "no" too often, made her wait too long, made her feel inferior to her friends?  Did this put the 'void' in her that she is trying to fill now?  Meantime...what happens to my grandson?  After living with me, she knows better than to beat him like she used to, but how do I stop the over indulgence?  How do I stop her from trying to 'buy' his love?  If you could have been here at Christmas.....it's pathetic! 

Is it the parent's fault these people have 'voids'?  If so, what do we do now?  It will be interesting to see Dr. Phil's take on this issue.

Sunny