Replies to '03/28 When to Call it Quits'

    I was astonished at how similar our stories are!  I was married for 20 years to my first husband, also.  When we married, I was 23 and he was 21.  I wasn't all that dependent upon him.  I loved him, and I was confident in our future together.

    The first sign of difficulties occurred about a year into our marriage.  He graduated from college, and he was a beginning reporter for a newspaper.  That meant a lot of moving  for not very much money.  I actually made more money waiting tables than he did.  He didn't like this.  He tended to drown his troubles in alcohol.  He could drink the first 5 bottles of beer in an hour after work.  At dinner, he had 4 glasses of wine.  For an evening cocktail, he finished off 6 or 7 triple vodka screwdrivers.

      Every evening I would make a pass at him, hoping to get him in the mood.  He usually had a good excuse.  He also had ISD, Inhibited Sexual Desire, which is a classic symptom of alcoholism--which he vigorous denied.  Oh no,  I was old and fat because I was 26, 5'7" tall, and I weighed 130 pounds.  Oh yes.  If I was younger and prettier he would want to make love with me.  So, after telling me off for making my demands upon him, he staggered down the hall to bed alone. 

      I'm the one who slept on the sofa.

      He didn't want to begin a family until he was 40.  Finally, I pleaded to start when we were 30.  He agreed.  As you say, NOT having a baby can get a lot more expensive than having one!   I had a full term still birth in 1985.  Six weeks later, my PAP smear results returned marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  While awaiting my second set of biopsies to determine whether or not I would be having a hysterectomy that summer, I tried suicide.  If Charley had died, I wanted to die, too.

     I had a major depressive, and I was in no condition to be rational.

     Two years later, after surgery and cancer drugs, I gave birth to my daughter.  When Lauren was 6 months old, my ex had some "difficulties." He claimed he hated asking me this, but he wanted to know who I was sleeping with that he got VD.  I replied, "I would be more inclined to believe you if you had slept with me in the last month or so."

     I forgave him again.

     I had a son, James,  two years after my daughter.  As you say, burying your firstborn deeply affects how you feel about raising your children.  I wasn't going to let a babysitter to this.  I stayed home.  I did what I knew was the right thing for me to do.  I honestly did not care how poor we were.  Saturday night consisted of homemade hamburgers and french fries, and staying home home to watch re-runs of Lawrence Welk.  I even taught the kids how to polka.

     All in all, I counted six valid reasons for becoming a divorcee.  And that's if you scoop up all his assorted affairs into one reason.  At one point, he had two girlfriends at once!  Girlfriend number  one didn't know about girlfriend number two.  Number two was one of my friends, and I had several unkind comments about them.  "She thinks she is the only 'woman with low morals' in Sonora!"

    And yet, I wanted to keep my family together.  I thought a divorce would be too painful for my children.  I had many excuses to endure the unendurable.  One of my best was that if I stayed for more that 19 years, I would receive more money in social security benefits.

       I agree with you when you say you should not stay in a marriage just because you "choose" it.

      Logic had nothing to do with it.  I was not choosing anything.  I, like all human beings,  was driven by emotion.  People are not Vulcans.  Emotion is far more powerful than logic.