Replies to '01/14 "At War with My Teen"'

GET HER HELP NOW FOR THE DRUGS. GET HER IN REHAB AND SAVE HER LIFE. THE DRUGS WILL TAKE OVER HER LIFE AND DESTROY HER.

Unfortunately your granddaughter is 18 and is considered an adult.  Tell her you want to have an adult conversation with her and that you intend to start treating her like an adult, and what your expectations are as long as she is living under your roof.  Tell her she must get a job and keep it.  It sounds like she may need some help with her bills.  Help her set up a budget .  Above all, tell her you love her and that you will do everything you can to help her, but if she wants to be treated like an adult, then she must start acting like a responsible person.  Ask her what she wants to do?  Get her to start communicating with you.  She sounds like a very angry young lady.  If she is going to stay out all night, ask her to let you know where she is and leave a number where you can reach her in case of an emergency.   I agree with you about not getting her out of jail if that should happen.  She must understand the consequences of her actions, and that includes the people that she associates with.

My daughter is now 21.  She started running around with a very disrespectful crowd including her bf when she was  around 17.  She is very disrespectful and rude to us to this day.  She and her bf are now broken up and have been for about a year.  She tends to befriend other young adults her age that are very needy and seem to only be her friend when she has money.  She uses her money to  have fun on the weekends with her friends  who have no jobs and uses others as our daugher seems to be doing to us and thus chooses to not pay her bills.  She is now behind on her car payment and cell phone and has overdrafted her bank acct.  She has let her car insur cancel and is now without insur and still driving her car after we told her of the possible outcome. 

we have helped her out financially too ,many times in the past and have told her what could happen if she continues down this road.  She does not want to discuss any of her issues with us and has told us that if she needs our advise she will ask for it. She is not iving in reality.   we told her we are here to discuss how to get her out of this situation but will not financially support her. She just ignores us. She rarely speaks to us and comes in and out of the house now to shower and occationally spend the night.  We love her very much.  We have tried tough love and kicked her out of the house last year but when she recked her previous car, we invited her back in to start her life over.  Sheseems only to care for the now and not about tommorrow or consiquenses.  We know she is over 18 and this is not our business but we hate to see our child ruin her life and choose friends who dont  care.  We are at witts end with her and we just go day by day.

Alot of what you said really concerns me, mostly about you saying that if she ends up in jail for her not to call you. You need to be there for her. Set rules she lives in your house and if she want to stay there she has to go by what you say.(common rules ) If she does not like that she is 18 considered "an adult" let her go out and see what life really is. Her mom not wanting to bother with her i bet hurts her. I am on 20yrs old i have been on my own since i was 16yrs old because my mom could not get it together. Be there for her, be her support, love her no matter what. Set rules that she has to have a job, clean up after her self, home no later than 1 a.m. You are supposed to love your grandchilderen no matter what step up and help her she is crying out for attention of LOVE!!!!!

I am a 30 year old mother of two, happily married to a serviceman.  We got serious about our finances a few years ago and began following Dave Ramsey.  Our finances are in great shape.  I'm presenting this current snapshot of myself because I want to give you some hope for your granddaughter's future. 

During my early twenties, I also went through a rough patch for a couple of years financially and in my choice of friends.  It took me over five years to rebuild my FICO score and overcome the motivations that led me to make these bad decisions in the first place.  I finally arrived at emotional peace and health by forgiving my parents for how their mistakes negatively impacted me. 

It's obvious this young woman is still reeling from her parent's poor choices.  Although legally she is considered an adult, she is still a teenager.  There is a vast difference between 18 and 28, just as there is between 8 and 18.  Please do not reinforce the negative image she already has of herself.  She was poorly prepared to make her way in an adult world.  Please try and see your granddaughter through her eyes, not yours.  It would probably break your heart.  Of course you don't agree with her lifestyle choices and that is a terrific start.  Also, it's obvious you love her, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help. 

I say the following with absolute certainty.  I am who I am today because my parents loved me unconditionally, unequivocally, and unfailingly.  Please be that rock in her life.  You have an opportunity to plant seeds of confidence, hope, stability, and faith inside your young granddaughter.  Loving her doesn't mean supporting her bad choices,  It means you'll be there despite it.  Loving her doesn't mean allowing her to disrespect you, your husband, or herself.  It means setting boundaries and expectations and believing she can meet them.  Above all else, you must believe in her and she must know this.  This is imperative because until now no one has, including herself.  You asked for advice so here's my two cents.  I hope it makes a difference.  Good luck!