Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

Quote From: kimbrem

 I'm sorry if I came in unintroduced. I'll correct that now.

My name is Kim. I've been in the process of changing my life for six years. One step at a time. I have difficulty dealing with stress. I know it stems from my background. I am happily married and have a wonderful life now. My husband is THE Most Beautiful Man on the face of the planet! Finding someone like him who shared my very soul was one of my earlier steps in healing me.

 I have an alcoholic, abusive father who has a heart of gold when sober, a somewhat "eccentric" mother who is too self-absorbed to care about anyone but herself, a brother who deals drugs and sponges and uses and steals from anyone who is foolish enough to care, and one brother who has a severe psychosis that I personally comitted after waking to the end of a rifle and a conversation that indicated he thought I was part of a government conspiracy to harm him "the son of god". My parents encouraged us to hold each other down or help kick or hit each other. I can say thank god, I was never sick enough to participate on the giving end.

I faced too many crisis in my past with stressful situations. Other than the obvious ones of being in a toxic family where abuse was a "way of controlling us" because "we were out of control", I have been held up at gun-point, beaten until my ribs were shattered by a stepfather and left with a head trauma from three of my peers who didn't like me. I spent 18 months in juvenile detention after running away (the worst part was not being able to pick a flower or sit beside the lake). I really wanted to be peaceful. I spent about 8 years anoerexic off and on. My way of dealing with it in childhood was to curl up in a ball until it was over. I finally got angry several years ago. I got tired, then I got angry and then I started to change.

I jump at loud noises and startle easily. I hate confrontation.

I was "taught" to be a victim. I was taught that fighting back and leaving issues led to more pain. I have unlearned that, but now have great difficulty dealing with stress and conflict. I would rather just get away from it. I know that I seek love and approval because of my need for it in the past. I am getting over that.  I am lucky. My husband is someone I can share my feelings with. He is someone who respects how things scare me and how life affects me differently.

I love animals, I am moved to tears by the sight of new leaves and blossoms on flowers. I am inspired by art and love to dance to the beat of a drum. I find myself dropping off bags from Wendy's to those people holding signs at the highways. I hug strangers who cry and end up crying with them, for them. I can imagine the worst. I do sympathize with those who face hardship. I am somewhat hardened to people who abuse substances because of my firsthand knowledge of how it can hurt others. I don't drink because I'm afraid of "being like him". I have a somewhat diluted sense of humor. I am intelligent, but know it doesn't pave any ways. I don't dress up or wear make-up. I have prematurely gray hair. I've read Chaucer in the oldest language. I  value books. I love people, but I'm somewhat scared of them. I have difficulty trusting police because of my personal experiences with them. I only learned to speak the word sex out loud after I met my husband. I am 34, but my spirit feels one hundred. My husband says I am sappy, because I cry at the movies. The sight of a newborn makes me cry. The sight of a mother holding one tenderly makes me smile. The idea of talking about my background fills me with dread that people will see me as a person in that light. I am scared of being judged and saddened by the thought that I will be thought of in light of those things.

Now, I am attending school and trying to find my place in the world. I don't know how I can change things. We are infertile. I know some people would call this a blessing. I'm just not one of them. I know I can change how I deal with things and have made alot of strides in six years. I am slowly being deprogrammed in my responses and welcome any help in getting there.

Kim