Replies to '12/28 Wifestyles'

(((BigHugs))) for you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. The reason why is because about six months ago I could have written your post. First I was a SAHM to our two boys. So, EVERYTHING was my responsibility, he wouldn't even help with the kids by just playing with them after work. He'd put them in front of the TV and he'd sleep or play on the computer. Nothing was done right and there was only ONE right way to do it. I didn't do the laundry right , I didn't do the grocery shopping right, I didn't pay the bills the right way. Then,  I started back to school. I was in school full-time and he said I didn't get paid for it, it didn't benefit our home so everything was still my responsibility. He said that all I did was sit on my butt in class all day so there was no reason I couldn't handle everything else. Then, I got pregnant with our third. We knew we would need more money, so I got a job. Before this anytime I said we needed something his response was, "Get a job!". So, I got a part-time job and was still a full-time student. I was also very sick with this pregnancy all day and all night long. Well, my job wasn't good enough. I was a part-time bank teller, but, that didn't qualify as a 'real' job so, the house and kids were STILL my complete responsibility! I was so sick that in the evenings all I could do was just feed the kids and lie down b/c I was vomitting 10-20 times a day and had been hospitalized several times. Once, I had just come from the bathroom from once again puking my guts out...well, mostly just dry heaves b/c there was nothing to come up. I sat down on the couch trying to recollect myself. The house was a bit messy and dinner hadn't been made. This idiot had the nerve to say to me, "You know, the kids deserve to live in a tidy home."  

Well, to avoid making this reply longer than it already is, my husband is now my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Back in March when I was still pregnant and very sick, I packed up my children and went to a women's shelter. No, my idiot husband wasn't hitting me, but, my therapist helped me realize that what he was doing was emotional abuse and was just as bad, if not worse than physical abuse. Your husband is abusing you just as mine was. Oh, and the sex-on-demand is sexual abuse, my ex did the same thing. If I wouldn't have sex with him he'd hold me down and masturbate. I too felt like a servent or a possession and was tired of it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally realized that I deserved so much better. What's even more important is I realized what it was doing to my children. If things stayed the way they were my boys would have grown up to believe that women were merely servents put on this earth to please the men in their lives. Either that or they would have allowed other people to treat them as their father treated me. Do you want this for your son? 

Now, if you are determined to stay with him and try to make yourself perfect for him, you are setting yourself up for a huge failure and disappointment. This is not about you. It's about him. You ARE a good wife and mother, his attitude has nothing to do with your abilities. Now, to keep your own sanity there is a great system I use to keep myself together. I'm taking care of three boys under the age of four, I'm working and going to school. Have you heard of Flylady? Check out www.flylady.com. Its a wonderful home organization system that will help you. However, even if the house is perfect, the food is perfect, everything is perfect, don't expect your husband to suddenly start treating you like a human being.  

Sweeite, this man is mistreating you. He is abusing you. You deserve so much better and so does your son! Your son needs a happy mom, not one who feels pushed down and stepped on. Do you want your son to think that this is what a marriage is? A co-worker was in a similar situation. She finally left when her 8-year-old daughter said that she didn't want to have any babies b/c then she'd have a husband who made her sad and she would never have any fun again.  

My heart truly aches for you because I've been there. Right now I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent and my car is falling apart. But, I'm happy, I'm finally happy and I finally like myself again and realize that I have worth and I am a good mother and a hard-working person! That alone is worth all the stress and work.  

If you EVER need to talk, vent, cry, or you need advice on something PLEASE feel free to email me at: momluvspunx@hotmail.com  I would love to hear from you and would love to help you in any way that I can. 

You are being emotionally abused. I'm sure he does have an idea of what you do all day but simply doesn't care. This is all about HIM. You only count in how you can provide him with what he wants, how he wants, when he wants. It will never get better for you because, frankly,  he's got his life arranged the way he wants and sees no reason to change anything, especially anything that might require him to think of someone other than himself. No matter how hard you try, he will never be satisfied; you will always be too stupid, too lazy, too something or other negative to live without him - or so he thinks and probably has said. 

You are college educated, and have been employed so you have skills with which you can support yourself and your child. I'd suggest couple counseling but, as I said, he feels HE'S not the one with the problem. If you can find free or low cost counseling for yourself, go. Trade babysitting with a neighbor so you can go. And start planning a future without him because he will never change. If you're uncertain about this,  imagine spending the next thirty years living like this. Imagine the effect on your child.  

If you decide that this is not the life you want to live, quietly begin to gather your joint financial information, make sure you have credit in your own name, money of your own tucked away, and an emergency suitcase packed in case you have to flee. Have copies of important documents (birth, marriage certificates, passports, mortgage, bank statements, car registration, important phone numbers and addresses, will and health care proxy, powers of attorney etc.) in the suitcase, and hide these where only you can find it, or leave it with a trusted friend. Pack spare clothes etc. for the baby as well (and his records.) Know the local women's shelter number, and/or the numbers of a family member or close friend you can rely on. Confide in the baby's pediatrician. And when you have all your ducks in a row, then you can decide if you want to continue in this life. And if you are threatened, don't wait - leave, preferably when he's not home to try and stop you. He does not own you. 

You may feel very alone right now, but know that you are not. Many women have faced this same situation and not only survived but gone on to thrive in a new life. 

I read your plight. 

I'm absolutely not qualified to counsel you. 

I will pray for you. 

I will suggest that you consider some things. 

"Where does happiness come from?  From your marriage or from within yourself? 

"Do you not have any choices?" 

"Do you insist on something which isn't there?" 

"Are you in some way contributing to your plight, maybe?" 

"Who are you?" 

I'm not saying that I feel sorry for you, however my heart hurts for you.  I pray you will find the answers for yourself.  Find the answers within yourself.  Which will bring peace to you and your situation.