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July 31, 2005, 12:38 am PDT
hi
Quote From: joymommahi! I wondered if you'd see that I replied to you. It must've been sad for you to find out its real but it didnt make it. I so wonder why would a higher power start a life just to end it so soon? I felt so guilty about mine, too, because I can relate to how you felt like you didnt really want the baby. I felt that way too, since I had the twins, and I felt later like my not really wanting another baby at first was what made the other ones not make it, like because I had bad vibes or something. Cause after I was getting more into it I wanted another one, and then I lost my chance and I blamed myself. I was assuming you're pretty young, so maybe you can have one later on. At least you're not jumping in and trying to get pregnant again to make up for the lost one. I hope you do realize that its better to have a stable situation when you have kids. The hardest thing for me is its the only time I have really been happy, being in the whole anticipation of baby mode. Then when you have a new baby, well, I havent had a super good life, and I guess it was the only time I felt special, when I was pregnant and when I had a new baby. Strangers hold the door for you when you're pregnant, and strangers ogle the new baby too. I just wanted to be special somehow. I get the feeling I need therapy! ya, i do feel guilty that i didn't want the baby, and that somehow i made myself lose it. maybe that is how it worked for me. i don't know. anyway, you are right i am young. i am only 19 and in college right now, so not the ideal time for a baby. but it was there and i had decided to keep her. and feeling special is one thing that i don't have a problem with. the only thing is, it's usually not meant in a good way when people say i'm special. sometimes they're teasing, sometimes they're not. oh well, can't please them all. i should go. it's about 2:30 where i am and i'm tired. ttyl, jenna
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