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February 4, 2008, 10:48 am PST
remove middle man
Quote From: smiley_face I am 24 and have 2 step kids (12 and 14). I've never been married before so I find being a step mom difficult. Well, I am from a diff. state when I met their dad so I really didn't get a chance to see or get to know them in person. So when i first live with them everything was great, they're so accepting of me and since I don't have work yet I do all the chores that a lady who's unemployed is doing and it's fine by me like that. But after months of doing it I got tired because my step kids are just so messy and it's driving me nuts. It's like a tornado has touched down in our house. I told my husband about it and he told his kids to pick up after themselves and until now they're still doing the same thing. I'm tired of it and it got to a point where I dont clean the house at all. Just dont know what to do...it's just getting old.....I like them but I'm starting to h**e them. His kids are being disrespectful to you. By accepting their behavior, continuing to clean and/or not saying a word about it, your step kids get the message that it is fine with you to be treated this way. You’ve talked to your husband, but have you talked with your step kids about this? My advice to you would be to talk to them, one on one. Do this separately, don’t have both the kids together when you talk to them. Just say, “Hey ‘step child,’ I want to talk to you for a few minutes. Lets sit down. (Here, you begin with some compliments; this is so that your basic message gets processed before they can be defensive or rude.) I think you are a very intelligent young man, you have many good qualities and I feel lucky to get to know you better. Because I am not working right now, I don’t mind doing household chores, but I need for you to help out, too. This is out of respect for your home and for other people who live here. (The child might begin to get defensive, do your best to NOT defend yourself, focus on staying on the topic; if they bring up a different comment/concern, you can say something like, “we’ll talk about that after I’m done, let me finish this first.” Continue on with something like, “This isn’t just you, it is also your brother/sister, I’m going to ask the same thing of him/her. I know that there are times when you just don’t feel like cleaning up, and I understand that; we all feel lazy sometimes! I am just asking you to have some respect for me, for your home, and for the other people living here. Do you have any questions?”
Perhaps there are specific rewards you can give the kids when they’ve done a good job, and if they don’t listen to you at all or if they are disrespectful, there should be consequences that their father implements. I urge you to speak to them yourself because this is building individual relationships with them. Also, they might be more inclined to listen to you as opposed to dad because when dad tells them to do something, its just different. You are going to them, trying to be kind and gentle, and stating your case. This is reasonable and rational. I wish you the best!
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