Replies to '12/28 Wifestyles'

 I don't mean to sound disrespectful of what you have to offer in the way of advice but I must ask how long you have been married and how much experience you have in mentoring other married women? After being married for twenty-one years and having functioned as a mentor for new wives in my church's womens group I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't make a statement like you have made to this woman married for 32 years about not giving up on her marriage so quickly. Thirty-two years is hardly quickly! Indeed - it is anything but!!! 

You do not intend to come across as judgemental but be aware that to tell someone who has been married with the difficulties she has spoken of for 32 years, that with a lot of work her behaviors and attitudes can change is glib at best and at worst absolutely cruel! After 32 years of marriage it is very likely that she has more experience than either one of us will ever know about trying new behaviors and attitudes. I also suspect that if her marriage and every other marriage that is troubled could be fixed by adjusting only her attitudes and behaviors that there would be one heck of a lot less divorces in this country. The truth is that for a marriage to succeed you need to have two people committed to making it work and no matter how hard one person may try - one person alone cannot make a marriage work! Please be careful to remember that while looking through your rose colored glasses of being a newlywed that the world of marital problems cannot be so easily fixed! 

Congratulations on your apparent success in the wonderful new world of marriage. In another 10 or 15 years - if all goes generally forward in a healthy, happy and mutually respectful manner for both you and your husband - then is the time for considering to offer advice to someone in her situation - concrete specific advice on what has worked for your marriage for both you and your husband to keep that marriage a vital, living, growing relationship in which open communication, affection and respect are given and received by both partners. Until then may I suggest you pray for her? Whille your advice is given with care and good intentions - with the best possible hope for her success on your part - it is too delicate a matter and too complicated to solve with advice on adjusting her attitudes - no matter how well intended that advice was.