Replies to '02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Rules of Engagement'
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February 5, 2008, 2:37 pm PST
 Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits He's feeding you a line. Talk this out NOW, and don't marry
him until you do. Get counseling if you have to (for yourself, at
least, if he refuses to participate). No guy who truly loves you will be flirting with other girls and sneaking messages behind your back. That's an excuse made by immature twerps who aren't ready to be adults. |
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February 5, 2008, 2:44 pm PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits text messages? wow are you going to be able to give this guy all the attenchion you say he loves? maybe you two should seek dr phils advice and help before you say I DO, once you say it its too late to worry about it!! be sure this is what you want, don"t marry for the love of money, marry for the love of your heart only, if you do this every thing troubleing you will seem to vanish as time passes,do not play second fiddle to a tex message tho, make him chouse eather you or his cyber sex partner, he cant have both and make you feel truly loved!! |
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February 5, 2008, 2:52 pm PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits I think if you married this guy you'd make a huge mistake.He disrespects you something terrible with his obsession with other women. Talking dirty to them IS cheating! Ask most women. They will tell you the same thing.He knows it's wrong or he wouldn't hide it. As far as the 'men's cheating gene' he WISHES there was one so he'd have an excuse to be a dog! No, you aren't perfect either but you can't put the problems in the same category, either. Overspending does NOT equal infidelity! Drunkeness is NOT an excuse for cheating. This guy know the 'basic handbook of cheaters' They are all the same and they all make the same claims. My EX husband used to hand me the same pathetic lines and I was too young and naive to know any better, and in my day, we didn't have Oprah, Dr. Phil or the internet. Don't take my word ALONE for this. I bet there are some really smart women here who will tell you something similar. |
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February 5, 2008, 3:24 pm PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely is NOT flirtatious - its boorish, nasty and insulting to the girls he does it to and to you.
You don't have enough self-worth - perhaps you think that because you ahve your own issues on shopping that you don't deserve to be treated better - but you're wrong.
THis bum is going to be 85 years old still throwing things down the shirts of pretty young things - and he's going to cheat, cheat and cheat his entire life.
If he thought enough of you and your relationship he'd go to the therapist - he won't so he doesnt. |
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February 5, 2008, 4:08 pm PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits Wow...things are so wrong with your relationship on SO many levels I don't even know where to begin. You did ask for thoughts and/or advice though, so here I am.
You seem to have lost yourself in this relationship...it's all about him and that's no good for a lot of reasons, one of which is that when YOU yourself are not all together, then you have nothing to give anyone else.
The signs of a future failed marriage are flashing red, and screaming sirens are going off...you better listen to your own instincts. They are obviously telling you not to go forward with this disaster or you would not have posted the message you did! I believe you are smart enough to see this for yourself.
The definition of "cheating" is when your partner physically OR emotionally detaches from you...any behavior that causes a separation between the two of you and erodes trust is a form of cheating.
I don't see anywhere where you mentioned your ages, but it really doesn't matter because the bottom line is that you are in pain which is being caused by the person who is supposed to love and support you emotionally.
You've given your money and power away to him....BIG mistake. The fact alone that you cannot handle your own money tells me you are not ready to be married and form a PARTNERSHIP any more than he is. You don't hand over your money to ANYone to control!! But most especially your partner; that puts him in an authoritive DADDY role rather than one of an equal. Learn WHY you carelessly spend money, and fix that first! It won't get better until you figure it out. Giving your partner total control over your money is the same as giving them control over your freedom...and leads to the same type of resentment. A woman needs to make her own money, have her own bank account, learn how to spend money wisely, save as much as possible (because you never should be at the mercy of a man), and keep her independence.
Even Maya Angelou said: "A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE: Enough money within her control to move out And rent a place of her own Even if she never wants or needs to."
A man should be an ADDITION to your ALREADY SECURE life, not an authority figure to whom you turn over all your power, and all that makes you, you.
You SHOULD care if he watches porn, texts other girls, gets touchy-feely with them, and goes to strip clubs! It's disprespectful to you, shows you he is disregarding your feelings, and is a clear sign of future trouble as well. You have a RIGHT to object to ALL of these things....in fact, you have an OBLIGATION to yourself to object to them. So why has this been okay with you?
Require more of him...or leave. You have 7 months before this potential disaster of a wedding takes place. Get out now before it's too late. (And, by the way, you can turn and walk away right up to the moment you say "I do." Better that then to go through with a sham.)
By the way, the fact that he gets drunk tells me he has no self-control...which, from what you say, spills over into the rest of his behavior as well. (Alcoholism is a progressive disease and one YOU cannot fix for him.) Self-control is a sign of maturity. It takes maturity on the part of both people to make a marriage successful. What does that tell you?
This whole thing isn't right...but then, you already know that, don't you?
Well, you asked for opinions and you got mine....do with the information what you will. |
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February 5, 2008, 5:33 pm PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits Only YOU can decide what is best for YOU. In my opinion, your boyfriend does not respect you. Respect is important in a relationship. Lack of respect can lead to lying, text messaging other girls for a "quick fix",behaving badly when drunk,not showing any interest in planning a wedding,saying men cannot be monagamous......oops, excuse me, it HAS lead to these things. I only know what you have written in the above post, but I honestly think you should be wary of marrying this guy in 7 months. I say, hold off and think about it longer. Good Luck! |
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February 6, 2008, 6:07 am PST
Quote From: ambrrleigh What is considered cheating? I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating). When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face. To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time. I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money. He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far. I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting? -Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits Postpone your wedding. You are going in with way too many issues. Sort them out while you're still dating. That way if you make the decision to leave, it will be much less complicated and painful. |
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