Replies to 'True Love'
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February 9, 2008, 5:09 pm PST
 Quote From: marriagehelp I really don't know where to start on this. I don't really watch this show but my wife does and I am having a very difficult problem with her and am searching for answers. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 7) together and are in our late 20's. We have a great marriage other than one thing that we constantly argue about. She tells me that she needs to go out and drink without me at the bars which has bothered me for a long time. I've asked her to please just invite me too. I feel like I'm boring her and she needs to do this to get something she's not getting from me. I try to buy some drinks and make her dinner and have a movie and she comes home from work puts her sweat pants and sweat shirt on has two beers and falls asleep. When she goes out to the bar, she dresses very sexy and has multiple drinks (often drinking for about 4-6 hours straight). I really try not to let it bother me but she tells me that she doesn't want me there and makes me feel guilty for not trusting her. I try to trust her so badly but it's not her that I don't trust. It's the single guys at the bar that could care less about the ring on her finger. Now her going out and having a few beers is one thing but when she goes out she doesn't leave until the bar closes and they kick everybody out. She is currently away on a business trip training for a new job 3 hours away from me with a male coworker who is staying at the same hotel. Last night they went out to the bar together with the other guys from her new job and their girlfriends and didn't get back to the hotel until 2:00am. At this point we argued on the phone for two hours and she told me that she "needs" to go to the bar and have other men hit on her because "it makes her feel good about herself". I try to explain to her how nervous i get when she is out and not answering her cell phone. She turns it around on me and makes me feel so guilty for being insecure and not trusting her, but I can't help feeling scared and afraid. She told me last night that I'm not "fun enough at the bar" and that's why she doesn't want me there and that this is the way that she is and if i can't deal with it tough because she should be able to "go out and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". I feel like she has no compassion for my feelings because everytime i tell her how i feel she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. A completely different situation but this Christmas eve at her families house, I went to bed early because her whole family plays cards constantly and i don't know how to play cards (i admit i need to learn to adapt and play them too), but she came down and had me in tears all night telling me that "you know that they play cards all the time, so if you didn't want to play, then why did you even come?", I told her i came to be with her and our children on Christmas and she told me to "quit being a whiny baby". This is really tearing my life apart and i need a way to express to her how i feel without feeling guilty. Am i being overprotective and over-emotional?? Please, please help and am very scared and confused. Let me start by saying, your doing the right thing by talking and communicating. GREAT! your letting her know how it makes you feel. Now let me say that women do need time away from the home and work environment. and I understand that it scares you to think that if your not there to protect her that something might happen. But if your wife really loves you and is secure in the marriage then she knows who loves her and is there for her and she won't do anything to jeopardize that. If she needs to go out to make herself feel good then maybe you should try to make her feel good about herself at home. Tell her how you like the way she makes herself up, or dresses, or the way she cooks a certain dish. Instead of complaining about her going out. Make her feel good when she is home TOO. Lot's of women don't feel appreciated at home so they use going out as an excuse to get attention they really want for home life. Hope I kind of gave you some advice from a woman's point of view. and I hope this helps. And try, try , try not to argue about the going out to much, it may draw her away from whats really a good thing (YOU). Good Luck and take care Aloha ~Ha-y-ngirl~ |
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February 11, 2008, 11:13 am PST
Quote From: marriagehelp I really don't know where to start on this. I don't really watch this show but my wife does and I am having a very difficult problem with her and am searching for answers. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 7) together and are in our late 20's. We have a great marriage other than one thing that we constantly argue about. She tells me that she needs to go out and drink without me at the bars which has bothered me for a long time. I've asked her to please just invite me too. I feel like I'm boring her and she needs to do this to get something she's not getting from me. I try to buy some drinks and make her dinner and have a movie and she comes home from work puts her sweat pants and sweat shirt on has two beers and falls asleep. When she goes out to the bar, she dresses very sexy and has multiple drinks (often drinking for about 4-6 hours straight). I really try not to let it bother me but she tells me that she doesn't want me there and makes me feel guilty for not trusting her. I try to trust her so badly but it's not her that I don't trust. It's the single guys at the bar that could care less about the ring on her finger. Now her going out and having a few beers is one thing but when she goes out she doesn't leave until the bar closes and they kick everybody out. She is currently away on a business trip training for a new job 3 hours away from me with a male coworker who is staying at the same hotel. Last night they went out to the bar together with the other guys from her new job and their girlfriends and didn't get back to the hotel until 2:00am. At this point we argued on the phone for two hours and she told me that she "needs" to go to the bar and have other men hit on her because "it makes her feel good about herself". I try to explain to her how nervous i get when she is out and not answering her cell phone. She turns it around on me and makes me feel so guilty for being insecure and not trusting her, but I can't help feeling scared and afraid. She told me last night that I'm not "fun enough at the bar" and that's why she doesn't want me there and that this is the way that she is and if i can't deal with it tough because she should be able to "go out and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". I feel like she has no compassion for my feelings because everytime i tell her how i feel she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. A completely different situation but this Christmas eve at her families house, I went to bed early because her whole family plays cards constantly and i don't know how to play cards (i admit i need to learn to adapt and play them too), but she came down and had me in tears all night telling me that "you know that they play cards all the time, so if you didn't want to play, then why did you even come?", I told her i came to be with her and our children on Christmas and she told me to "quit being a whiny baby". This is really tearing my life apart and i need a way to express to her how i feel without feeling guilty. Am i being overprotective and over-emotional?? Please, please help and am very scared and confused. Honestly i do not feel you are being over protective or over emotional, the fact is she is amrried to you and in my own personal opinion a married woman has no buisness going to a "bar" with out her husband, to seek out attention and compliments from other men. As for trust, trust is just not a given once we become married... we earned that trust from or S/O just like they earned ours, however, if we or they start behaving in ways that erode that trust, umm yea it can be lost. The problem with the feeing that she can "go out and do whatever she wants. whenever she wants" is that she is married with children, and when that happened she, like you become responable for more that just your selves. To be able to express yourself with out feeling guilty you need to know in your heart and mind that what you are feeling is not wrong and you are justified for expressing those feelings. Knowing that is not going to make it easier to express them, however, you should not feel guilty for feeling the way you feel or expressing those feelings, because they are not wrong feelings they are hurtful feelings and you have every right to express that. As for her calling you a "whiny baby" that is just one way of negating or shufling of the responsabilty of your hurt feelings by calling you names and such is is effectivly shuting you down so she does not have to "deal" with the hurt she is causing. honestly it sounds like she is trying to live a single life, while being a married woman, it is hurtful and wrong. She pretty much has been given a free pass to do what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, and have a safe place to fall if things go bad for her, she does not have to work on her inner self confidence, self esteem, or marriage, simply because it is working for her, although it is not working for you. know in your heart and mind that your feelings are justified and you have the right to express them, even if they make her uncomfortable. They probably will becauseshe probably knows already that what she is doing is hurting you and your family, but she is placing her needs and wants over everybody else's. I really do hope things get better for you and your family, and that your wife can come to see that her behaviors are really causing pain and hurtand take steps to change that . Tammy
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March 4, 2008, 8:34 am PST
Quote From: marriagehelp I really don't know where to start on this. I don't really watch this show but my wife does and I am having a very difficult problem with her and am searching for answers. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 7) together and are in our late 20's. We have a great marriage other than one thing that we constantly argue about. She tells me that she needs to go out and drink without me at the bars which has bothered me for a long time. I've asked her to please just invite me too. I feel like I'm boring her and she needs to do this to get something she's not getting from me. I try to buy some drinks and make her dinner and have a movie and she comes home from work puts her sweat pants and sweat shirt on has two beers and falls asleep. When she goes out to the bar, she dresses very sexy and has multiple drinks (often drinking for about 4-6 hours straight). I really try not to let it bother me but she tells me that she doesn't want me there and makes me feel guilty for not trusting her. I try to trust her so badly but it's not her that I don't trust. It's the single guys at the bar that could care less about the ring on her finger. Now her going out and having a few beers is one thing but when she goes out she doesn't leave until the bar closes and they kick everybody out. She is currently away on a business trip training for a new job 3 hours away from me with a male coworker who is staying at the same hotel. Last night they went out to the bar together with the other guys from her new job and their girlfriends and didn't get back to the hotel until 2:00am. At this point we argued on the phone for two hours and she told me that she "needs" to go to the bar and have other men hit on her because "it makes her feel good about herself". I try to explain to her how nervous i get when she is out and not answering her cell phone. She turns it around on me and makes me feel so guilty for being insecure and not trusting her, but I can't help feeling scared and afraid. She told me last night that I'm not "fun enough at the bar" and that's why she doesn't want me there and that this is the way that she is and if i can't deal with it tough because she should be able to "go out and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". I feel like she has no compassion for my feelings because everytime i tell her how i feel she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. A completely different situation but this Christmas eve at her families house, I went to bed early because her whole family plays cards constantly and i don't know how to play cards (i admit i need to learn to adapt and play them too), but she came down and had me in tears all night telling me that "you know that they play cards all the time, so if you didn't want to play, then why did you even come?", I told her i came to be with her and our children on Christmas and she told me to "quit being a whiny baby". This is really tearing my life apart and i need a way to express to her how i feel without feeling guilty. Am i being overprotective and over-emotional?? Please, please help and am very scared and confused. I have only been married for 8 months and I got married at 19. Because I'm so young I still feel the need to get out with my friends every once in a while without my husband but just for girl talk. He doesn't mind because that gives him time with the guys. But I guess the difference with our situation is that I don't dress sexy when I go out for attention (Cute but not sexy) and I don't drink so we normally go to a coffee shop or movie. I could understand if your wife just wanted time with her girl friends but if she is telling you it is for attention from guys and is going out in scandelous cloths then I think she is taking it too far. When you get married you can't pretend you're still in the dating world. I only go out with my friends once a month and I try to get home at a reasonable time because I know my husband doesn't like me out super late (for safety reasons). Then the other three weekends out of the month I spend with him and we go out together. It sounds like your wife isn't being very considerate of your needs or feelings. If she sees this is hurting you she should stop or take you with her. I don't know if she is acctually cheating on you or not. Some women really do just crave attention and want to be validated by others, that is why they dress sexy, but wouldn't take it so far is to cheat (Women tend to be a lot more insecure about their appearance). If I knew your wife better I could give you a better opinion. All you can do is have a heart to heart with her about your feelings. Just express how important it is that you spend time together and tell her that you would like to create date nights for the two of you. |
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March 12, 2008, 4:36 pm PDT
Quote From: marriagehelp I really don't know where to start on this. I don't really watch this show but my wife does and I am having a very difficult problem with her and am searching for answers. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 7) together and are in our late 20's. We have a great marriage other than one thing that we constantly argue about. She tells me that she needs to go out and drink without me at the bars which has bothered me for a long time. I've asked her to please just invite me too. I feel like I'm boring her and she needs to do this to get something she's not getting from me. I try to buy some drinks and make her dinner and have a movie and she comes home from work puts her sweat pants and sweat shirt on has two beers and falls asleep. When she goes out to the bar, she dresses very sexy and has multiple drinks (often drinking for about 4-6 hours straight). I really try not to let it bother me but she tells me that she doesn't want me there and makes me feel guilty for not trusting her. I try to trust her so badly but it's not her that I don't trust. It's the single guys at the bar that could care less about the ring on her finger. Now her going out and having a few beers is one thing but when she goes out she doesn't leave until the bar closes and they kick everybody out. She is currently away on a business trip training for a new job 3 hours away from me with a male coworker who is staying at the same hotel. Last night they went out to the bar together with the other guys from her new job and their girlfriends and didn't get back to the hotel until 2:00am. At this point we argued on the phone for two hours and she told me that she "needs" to go to the bar and have other men hit on her because "it makes her feel good about herself". I try to explain to her how nervous i get when she is out and not answering her cell phone. She turns it around on me and makes me feel so guilty for being insecure and not trusting her, but I can't help feeling scared and afraid. She told me last night that I'm not "fun enough at the bar" and that's why she doesn't want me there and that this is the way that she is and if i can't deal with it tough because she should be able to "go out and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". I feel like she has no compassion for my feelings because everytime i tell her how i feel she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. A completely different situation but this Christmas eve at her families house, I went to bed early because her whole family plays cards constantly and i don't know how to play cards (i admit i need to learn to adapt and play them too), but she came down and had me in tears all night telling me that "you know that they play cards all the time, so if you didn't want to play, then why did you even come?", I told her i came to be with her and our children on Christmas and she told me to "quit being a whiny baby". This is really tearing my life apart and i need a way to express to her how i feel without feeling guilty. Am i being overprotective and over-emotional?? Please, please help and am very scared and confused. OK where do I start. First let me tell you I have children your age, I am almost 50. So take it from an old bird this is not "normal". Once you marry and have children, you become a unit. Neither one of you should be hanging out at any bars alone for any reason. Sorry kiddo, but bars are hook up joints and if anyone tells you different then they are feeding you lines. There are too many other things to do if you guys need time for your selves with your guy friends or her girlfriends. From what I read it seems like you and your wife are not very compatible. She seems to be more outgoing than you, maybe that's the problem. Then again her lack of sensitivity is outrageous. I don't want to hurt your feelings in any way, but it seems as if she doesn't want you around, I am seriously not trying to be mean. I think you seriously need to evaluate your relationship. I don't think there is anything wrong with your request for her not be out there at all hours by herself, or for her to call you when she is away. That is the way marriage works. You should think of your significant other and how you can make their day a little better. For instance, I make sure the coffee pot is ready for my husband in the morning because he gets up so much earlier than me, and I will leave him a small note just letting him know I love him and to have a good day. I mean, really we don't know what will happen that day. God forbid that something bad happens to either one of us and all we are left with is a feeling of rejection and being "whiny". Like Dr Phil says "the worst thing than being in a bad relationship 7 years, is being in a bad relationship 7 years and 1 day". I really think you need to sit down with your wife and ask some hard questions, like if she still wants to be in the marriage. Try not to get emotional, it seems she uses your emotions against you and as a shield not to tell you the truth. I really wish you luck, I hope things work out for you. Just remember I don't think there's anything wrong with your requests, you are a unit, not two people living in the same home. Good Luck
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