Replies to '07/24 Behind Closed Doors'
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February 10, 2008, 11:08 am PST
 Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny I too am one of those - 53 years old. My mother moved us - my 11-year-old brother and I at 4 years old - in with her boyfriend shortly after his wife died, and while she enjoyed the prestige of living with a man with a house and his own business, I had to put up with him coming into the bathroom whenever I bathed, even taking a movie of me naked in the bath. I also had to go in and scrub his back for him when he was in the bathtub. I can still remember the first time he slipped his tongue into my mouth - I was 6 - at a birthday party, when everyone was there so I couldn't do anything about it. My brother and I confronted my mother and her answer was, that we would grow up and leave her and she deserved to have someone take care of HER, so if we really loved her we had to put up with this. It endured through not being able to date as a teenager, not receive calls from boys, to not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, and him finally ordering me to bed a 7pm one evening, while telling my mother she owed him a virgin. (He refused to marry her until she was pregnant with a child by him - it took 9 years). I managed to escape being raped, but my ultimate horror was having my Mom stopping me at the door, asking me to just let him have one night ! I left and found out years later my Mom covered up by telling family and neighbors that I was involved with a motorcycle gang that broke into houses - so they wouldn't talk to me or invite me in. In fact I had worked with police as a private investigator, then put myself through college for 3 years to become a radio news anchor, eventually national. I also went through 20 years of therapy - have a much happier life that I could have imagined, and actually work at promoting awareness of sexual abuse and domestic violence. We can't have enough of this awareness on television, especially about the mothers who pretend they don't know - or in my case - using me as a dumping ground and scapegoat to keep her boyfriend happy until she could get pregnant and get him to marry her. I also divorced myself from my mother for the past 20 years, and avoid my mother's boyfriend/husband's children. They never treated my brother and I as anything other than interlopers anyway. It was the best choice for me, and I now have wonderful friends who make up my new family. In my case, after what happened, I never wanted to be married or have children. But I have many children I love in my life in my new and healthy 'family'. I don't know if this will wake many of the women up - but PLEASE Dr. Phil, please send out a message to those terrified kids afraid they won't be loved if they talk or don't give in - PLEASE tell them to talk to someone they can trust, that they really don't have to do this to be loved! And also, thank-you for addressing this on national television. We can't hear this enough, even though it brings up horrible memories of betrayal and abandonment for some of us. Thank-you Dr. Phil. C. |
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February 13, 2008, 5:54 pm PST
Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny As I read these message boards and hear about some of the unspeakable things that were done to some of you, I just want you to know I am thinking of you, and pray for you to have a happy life. Just build your own family the way you always wanted it to be. You are not alone, and even people like myself (a total stranger) cares about you and hopes you have the best to come! God Bless, Clowngrrl |
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February 13, 2008, 8:06 pm PST
Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny Patricia and Sunny, I feel so much for you. My heart goes out to both of you. I, too, was molested for a year at 9 years old by a family member. I am 22 years old now and feel myself struggling with depression and anxiety daily. I can't help but think the abuse I endured has something to do with my mental state today. I would love to chat with either of you and learn how you cope with what has happened to you. Please respond if you would like to get in touch through email or messaging. Sincerely, Melissa |
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February 14, 2008, 5:37 pm PST
Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny Patricia,
The most horriable thing is that you never really get over it. You come to grips with it and you learn to live with it but I find that there is always something that you haven't delt with. The incest itself is bad but not to have your mother protect you, is HORRIABLE.
Not only did my mother not protect me, she blamed me and for so many years I believed that I had to have done something to have deserved it. I have been in and out of therapy for many years, it would get to the point where I just couldn't talk about it and so i would stop the therapy. Until last year. It took me almost 35 years to build up enough strength to let myself start the journey to healing! Helen 's (my mother, whom I have demoted to being called by her first name, because in my book, she did NOT earn the title of "mother") brother molested me for years, for as far back as I can remember. Helen even told me that when I was two, he had tried something on me but yet she continued to let him near me. During my recent therapy (for almost a year now) I relized that he had been molesting me from as early as 4-5 years until he was caught when I was 7ish. and even after her was caught she would send me to another baby sitter and allow her brother to watch my brothers. It is possible that sometimes people just don't care about anyone but themselves, being a mother has nothing to do with being a person. She told me that every time he would come into the house I would scream and cry and run behind her and that I didn't want him to watch me and that I didn't want him there. She still walked out the door and went about her business... I am now 39 years old and I have pressed charges against him this past year, I am actually waiting for the police to call me back to see if anything can be done. I told Helen what I was doing and she sided with her brother.......again..... I only realized now that as a child I was fighting her as well as him. It was a horriable childhood and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Helen has used every excuse in the book to avoide actually seeing what actually is. For my emotional, mental, spiritual recovery I have stopped talking to her all together. She made the choice to support her brother instead of her daughter when I was 4 and now when I was 40. I told took the time and explained what had happened in detail, and she had absolutely no emotions, except anger towards me, she kept telling me "why are you doing this to ME, your wasting your time, there are not going to do anything about it" and when I looked at her I saw that she was going to actually tell her brother! and so I asked her and her response was "well I don't understand why your doing this?" It took me a while to realize that like it or not she made this conscious choice and she alone will have to deal with it. I have stopped talking to her and have completely gotten her out of my life. She is poison and so is her brother and if she didn't choose to stand up for me well now I am ready to stand up for myself.
It will be the hardest thing for me to walk into the courtroom where I will have to face both Helen and her brother, but I will because I know that even if I have to craw into that room, I will be a little stronger walking out.
you are right no one understands that being molested as a child permiates your entire life in one way or another and that it's a life long battle to regain dignity.
Meenew |
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February 15, 2008, 12:56 pm PST
Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny Good post, Sunny. I have MPD/DID too because of what happened to me. I am healing because I have an excellent therapist. I can look back and see how much I have grown in the last few years. I am determined not only to survive but also to thrive, and it sounds like you're doing the same thing.
Thanks for your post. |
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July 24, 2008, 1:24 pm PDT
Quote From: lashel52 We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us. My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you, Sunny The same thing happened with me. I was the only step-daughter and thus the only victim. But my abuser was never caught "red-handed" and no one wanted to take my word for it. My mom and sister still live every day like my step-father was a saint even though they were both told what he did to me. The only reason why I have not "divorced" my mother is because it has taken me years to wake up and quit letting my family emotionally rape me every day and now I have children who are very close to my mother. The man has been dead for a while now and there is no longer a threat from him. But I carry the pain every day and I don't know how to cope with it. I have tried to confront my mother but she went crazy for several days and threatened to commit suicide because I thought she was such a "bad" mother. The rest of my family doesn't know about my abuse. I have very harsh memories of being made fun of by older family members for being a crybaby. I don't want to play the victim role but I am so angry and hurt by the fact that my life was screwed up but it's somehow my fault in my mother's eyes. I could go on forever but I think I'm done venting for now. |
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