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Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'
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February 13, 2008, 2:35 am PST
 Quote From: redfeathers This will seem a little strange, but I work at a porn shop to start with. I dislike porn, I dislike what it can do to relationhips and the image of women that men have, I dislike the expectations that it makes some men have as well...but I sell it. If that isn't the defenition of irony, please tell me what it is...
But, to the point of this post. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. When we first started having a sexual relationship, he told me that he didn't look at porn anymore. A few months after that I found out that he lied. He had looked at it while I wasn't home once. Even though he only looked at it once that I found out about, I got sick to my stomach, and it was hard to breathe. I started to cry on the spot and kept asking him things like "Why? Don't I satisfy you? What's wrong with me? Is there something about my body you don't like?" He insisted that I do satisfy him, that there isn't anything wrong with me or my body, and that he thinks I'm better looking than the women in the porn he looked at. I asked him if that was true, then why did he need to look at it? For that, he had no answer. The next day he promised that he wouldn't look at it again, because he hated seeing me sad like that. We tried an experiment. We went to the shop I work at, he let me chose a DVD myself, be both paid for it, and watched it together. I felt okay, but he was a little frustrated because I was more focused on him than the video. I thought that since we were able to watch it together, even if I paid more attention to him, that I would be okay if we just watched it together. But later, I was helping him clean some of his old stuff out of his parents house, he found a couple of DVD's that were his when he was younger. He showed them to me, and I got that same sick, choking feeling as before. I don't know what to do. I feel like one of those controlling girlfriends that won't let their men do anything, but sometimes I also feel like I'm just afraid of him being untrue. He never has been, he is a trustworthy man, but I'm so afraid that if he looks at porn it might mean that there is something about me that's not good enough. Go out and find another. No one should have to be miserable to the point that you are in any job.
I don't think it is controlling that is occuring in your case. I think it is a "lack" of control that you are feeling so you have a desire to fix it, get control. When we come across someone that triggers such a pronouncement of feelings, emotions, it is either for two reasons. One, the feeling was always there or two, the feeling just arose, which would make more likely that it is a present reality situation. Since you don't trust that what is says is true, whether it is or not, you need to look at your ability to trust yourself. When yo ucan trust yourself, you will be able to trust people so much better. You will have a reference point....the reference point would be you! What better person to trust right?
We lie. We do it for many reasons. We do it without conscioiusness sometimes, sometimes with it. If you can put yourself into an environment that you hate,(your job$$) you can put yourself into a relationship that you hate, and stay with it for some reason. The reason you stay in a job you hate, or dislike, and the reason you stay with someone that has managed to turn your stomach sick, says your tolerance to abuse is high. YOu are doing this to yourself. Leave him alone and let him deal with his deceptions.
Why do you feel sick when you discovered his stash vs. the one you purchased together? Because it was his fantasy? His choice? Without you? Of course. That is controlling thought processes, but jealosy is also a factor in all relationships. So its very common to want to feel like you are not threatened by his sexual needs and fantasies. so what can you? Start by seeing what you really want from this relationship. Picture him in it, then not. Which one seems to say self love the most? Can you get over your fears and can he get over his, the only way to know is to start from the beginning.........how did you see man and women interact when you were a child? And does your feeling about them now feel exactly the same?
do you think you can trusrelationships |
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February 13, 2008, 11:03 am PST
Quote From: redfeathers This will seem a little strange, but I work at a porn shop to start with. I dislike porn, I dislike what it can do to relationhips and the image of women that men have, I dislike the expectations that it makes some men have as well...but I sell it. If that isn't the defenition of irony, please tell me what it is...
But, to the point of this post. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. When we first started having a sexual relationship, he told me that he didn't look at porn anymore. A few months after that I found out that he lied. He had looked at it while I wasn't home once. Even though he only looked at it once that I found out about, I got sick to my stomach, and it was hard to breathe. I started to cry on the spot and kept asking him things like "Why? Don't I satisfy you? What's wrong with me? Is there something about my body you don't like?" He insisted that I do satisfy him, that there isn't anything wrong with me or my body, and that he thinks I'm better looking than the women in the porn he looked at. I asked him if that was true, then why did he need to look at it? For that, he had no answer. The next day he promised that he wouldn't look at it again, because he hated seeing me sad like that. We tried an experiment. We went to the shop I work at, he let me chose a DVD myself, be both paid for it, and watched it together. I felt okay, but he was a little frustrated because I was more focused on him than the video. I thought that since we were able to watch it together, even if I paid more attention to him, that I would be okay if we just watched it together. But later, I was helping him clean some of his old stuff out of his parents house, he found a couple of DVD's that were his when he was younger. He showed them to me, and I got that same sick, choking feeling as before. I don't know what to do. I feel like one of those controlling girlfriends that won't let their men do anything, but sometimes I also feel like I'm just afraid of him being untrue. He never has been, he is a trustworthy man, but I'm so afraid that if he looks at porn it might mean that there is something about me that's not good enough. How about reading this link:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexual_addiction/partners.asp
You describe what many partners of sex-addicts go through & some of the feelings. Personally, the job would be the first thing to go. IMO there's far more dignity to be had working at a burger joint while receiving welfare supplements than there ever will be working at a place I hate so very much, especially that kind of place. It goes so against what I believe to even consider it. Sounds like it does for you, too.
IMO there is absolutely nothing wrong with controlling what you allow in your life. If he comes with porn, you may need to reconsider if he will not rids himself of it. Luckily & thankfully, my husband has chosen me & his family over porn. He still has a problem & is still working on it. It doesn't go away with the porn if the problem is real. He almost lost us all over it & we are still struggling.
His using was never about me. He has used since he was 13 years old & while in every relationship he had been in. That's 11 years before we met. How can it possibly be "about me". The consequences affect me but his using is about him. I even looked eerily like one of his "porn girlfriends" (a woman he had pics of) that he had for 9 years! He got them after we had been together. I'm even very similar to the pics he prefers. Talk about a mind-twister! He had the real thing in bed waiting on him, choosing to reject me & only "being" with me on the average of once a week, up to 2 months one time, all while satisfying himself with fake-ness! And my "abilities" weren't the problem, either. He has sexual issues.
Telling you he will not use again & then choosing to use again is an example of him lying to you. "trust worthy" comes about by telling the truth. Lying does not equal "trust worthy", IMO.
And one last thing. From all I have read, MB always goes hand-n-hand (pardon the pun) with porn. SA's aren't just staring at pictures. They are using them. |
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February 24, 2008, 12:30 am PST
Quote From: redfeathers This will seem a little strange, but I work at a porn shop to start with. I dislike porn, I dislike what it can do to relationhips and the image of women that men have, I dislike the expectations that it makes some men have as well...but I sell it. If that isn't the defenition of irony, please tell me what it is...
But, to the point of this post. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. When we first started having a sexual relationship, he told me that he didn't look at porn anymore. A few months after that I found out that he lied. He had looked at it while I wasn't home once. Even though he only looked at it once that I found out about, I got sick to my stomach, and it was hard to breathe. I started to cry on the spot and kept asking him things like "Why? Don't I satisfy you? What's wrong with me? Is there something about my body you don't like?" He insisted that I do satisfy him, that there isn't anything wrong with me or my body, and that he thinks I'm better looking than the women in the porn he looked at. I asked him if that was true, then why did he need to look at it? For that, he had no answer. The next day he promised that he wouldn't look at it again, because he hated seeing me sad like that. We tried an experiment. We went to the shop I work at, he let me chose a DVD myself, be both paid for it, and watched it together. I felt okay, but he was a little frustrated because I was more focused on him than the video. I thought that since we were able to watch it together, even if I paid more attention to him, that I would be okay if we just watched it together. But later, I was helping him clean some of his old stuff out of his parents house, he found a couple of DVD's that were his when he was younger. He showed them to me, and I got that same sick, choking feeling as before. I don't know what to do. I feel like one of those controlling girlfriends that won't let their men do anything, but sometimes I also feel like I'm just afraid of him being untrue. He never has been, he is a trustworthy man, but I'm so afraid that if he looks at porn it might mean that there is something about me that's not good enough. and i have no clue if you still even come to this board. But what i was thinking is that maybe working at the porn shop is not a good job choice for you. I am not judging you or your job. Its just that you seem to be against porn so why work there? There are lots of other jobs that pay well and have benefits. Maybe seeing all the types of videos and stuff at your job has changed your perception of sex. I know if i worked at a porn shop and i saw all types of porno i would probaly be blown away be some of the stuff men and women buy and enjoy. It would probaly change my perspective on alot of stuff. I am sure alot of scum bags come in there too and you see them buying this porn and maybe you picture that being your b/f? Or maybe you see a business type guy that seems like he would never buy porn bying the raunchiest porn ever! I dont know cuz i am not you but i know working in a place like that would make me think about it way too much. ????????? |
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