Replies to '07/16 Bully Husband'

 

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February 16, 2008, 6:38 am PST

Bully husband!!

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

Karen, RUN.

 
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February 16, 2008, 8:18 am PST

Support

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.
She has support, but she is in need of professional help to give her the courage to leave the jerk!  You can't just offer advice to leave, you have to want to do it!  She's in it for the kid's sake and that is sad...
 

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February 16, 2008, 11:35 am PST

02/20 Bully Husband

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

I can only agree with what everyone else has said except the wife needs a good talking to for allowing her kids to endure this abuse.  When he is abusing her, he is abusing them!!!!  Maybe she dosen't see that though, althoughI dont know how, she's got a brain !  If it hurts her, it hurt them!!!!

God help those children.

I know Dr. Phil will help her with her self-esteem issues and give her the courage to leave his sorry ass .

One thing is for sure, I wouldn't stay with him irregardless of how much "therapy" he agreed to.  If he has this much meaness in him now, he always has and always will.  I don't believe the basic personality changes that much.

He is so ugly anyway, who would want his disgusting self.  I agree that he projects his own self hatred onto her but that would be his problem, not mine.

Like I said, God help those children and may she be a better Mother than subject her children to such a hate filled and miserable life. 

 
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February 20, 2008, 12:37 pm PST

Ditch him - he's a sick, sick man

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

My husband & I have been married for 31 years.  In college, I weighted 220#.  Lost 80 #, met and fell in love w/my husband.  I was 152 when we married;  225 after childbearing, and up and down for all our marriage - and not once has he ever made cruel comments about my weight.

 

My Dad was an abuser, and I saw what he did to my Mom's self-esteem.

 

Urge her to GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE

 
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angry
February 20, 2008, 3:15 pm PST

It's not just about getting a backbone

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

It's easy for all of us to sit and say she needs to get a back bone, but trust me when there is an abuser involved it's not all that easy. Things start out so small and simple and than it grows into much bigger issues. By the time it grows into the bigger issue the abuser has you right where they want you and that is you with no self esteem, self worth, you feel stupid or not important enough. The abuser takes away such a big part of you it's hard to stand up to them. So cut her some slack because he is the idiot that needs help! He is an abuser all the way, he is a creep, and he doesn't deserve to have a woman or children in his life. He has even involved his innocent children to be apart of his self indulging of being so over abusive to his wife. I would like to take this so called man and tie him to a tree and beat him with a baseball bat, but that wouldn't be very Christian would it?

 
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February 20, 2008, 3:30 pm PST

Backbone

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.
Her backbone was broken by him. You have no idea how hard it is to leave a man that you love- even though he hurts you! But I do agree that she needs to get out. What I don't think your getting is that when your in a relationship with an mental abuser- and he says things like "your stupid, blah blah blah" you start believing it- and so Karen might think that she's so stupid she wouldn't be able to make it with out him. He's screwed her up if that is what she's thinking. Stop putting down Karen- she's been through something that some people can't understand- something that even I'm having a hard time understanding. Though for the children, I do agree, she needs to set a better example.
 
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February 20, 2008, 4:33 pm PST

Karen ..... please hear this

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

Karen...... I have lived with an abuser before....... and my father was an abuser so...... believe me do not stay for the kids sake......... he is already abusing them.......... 

 

You are a beautiful woman and can do much better than him......... even if it is alone............... you would be better off...............

 

Do not allow him to keep treating you this way.......... He is not Prince Charming in anyway and once he sees that you are probably the best thing he had.......... he will be sorry......... What he puts out  he will get back double...........................

 
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February 20, 2008, 5:37 pm PST

How kind of you to . . .

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.
 How "kind" of you to begin your post by adding to the abuse he's already been dishing out.  Unless you've walked in someone else's shoes you don't know what has taken place over time or how.  You may recall Dr Phil did mention he had not always treated her this way.  It began after they were married & I wouldn't be surprised, based on experience, if it built up gradually over time.  Her "spine" has been gradually erroded, telling her to get one is counter productive. 

THINK about the mixture of abuse with head-games he likely played, insecuirity if she'll be able to make it financially, fear he'll tell lies in a custody fight custody, & religion (till death do you part . . ) with the impacts of abuse (see the list Dr. Phil showed - it's right on target) and MAYBE, just maybe you will have in inkling of how hard it is to get out of such hell. 

If, hopefully when, she leaves him she'll have one big advantage, his inability to know when/how to act charming.  My husband (we separated a few months ago) is a pro at keeping "it" behind closed doors & being very "loving" & charming in public.  Not only do people find it hard to believe he's emotionally abusive their shocked he hasn't touched me in private in nearly 8 years - around others he was all huggy, kissy, & complementary toward me.  In private he'd berate me, including all the reasons it was impossible for him to be attracted to me - including my god given natural scent & taste!  Before I finally left, he actually told me a number of times he only stayed b/c "it's cheaper to keep her"! 

You have no idea how deeply emotional abuse can impact people.   Watching the show increased the physical pain I endure everyday & triggered the IBS which had cleared up when we seperated.  During my marriage I went from being a sucessful executive to being unable to work b/c of chronic illnesses & pain.  I was able to stop 9 medications after leaving him.  My health still has a long way to go, but at least now, w/o the daily stress & fear, I know I'll be able to heal eventually.

If you're in an abusive relationship of any sort - GET OUT.  Your life & that of your children truely does depend on it.  If you can't afford therapy find a CODA group to attend.  CODA is Co-dependents Anonomous, a 12-step group that could help you heal.
 
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February 21, 2008, 12:08 am PST

It's not a backbone that she needs.

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.

     Some will question why this woman hasn't left this marriage.  They will wonder why she's willing to accept the put downs, the lying, cheating and though he only push her a little, the physical abuse.  She knows that what he's doing is wrong.  She even knows that his actions not only hurt her, but her children as well.  So why does she stay?  She's hoping for what was.  The rationale side of her brain is saying get the heck out of here.  Her romantic side is trying to recapture the love, the joy the thrills they had at the begining of the relationship.  The rational and romantic sides may be overlaping at this time, but they will gradually pull apart.  One day she will be able to look at her situation and say I deserve better. 

 

     This woman has suffered greatly.  She may not have visible bruises, but she is bruised inside. She is scared of leaving.  I suspect she's wondering...If she is the problem...What's he going to do if I leave?.....Is he going to take the kids?  Can I survive without him?  Will he pay child support?  What about the house?  What about the bills? Where do I go from here?  I'm fat, I'm ugly...at least that's what I've been told over and over again by the one person who should love me the most, no one else is ever going to want me....I'm going to die a lonely old woman.... Maybe he'll change if I just hang in there.  I hate this marriage....I wish this was over.....

 

     I've been this woman for the past 10.7 years.  I'm not a weak individual.  I'm actually the manager of a staff of over 100.  I'm the bread winner...always have been.  Yet my husband convinced me that I wan't worthy of respect.  That I should accept his put downs, his cheating etc....after all, he did say sorry later, he just wanted me to love him more...he just wanted to get more of my attention.  10.4 years of marriage, three rounds of therapy trying to figure out what's preventing me from just walking away....what am I hanging on for.  Honestly, I was hoping he would see how miserable he made me feel and that he would change back to the man he was when we first met (in hindsight he probably never changed, I just hand love blinders on and couldn't see his faults)..... New page in life, the rational and romantic sides of my brain have now separated...good news for me....bad news for him....3 months into a divorce and life is getting better each day.  Still have a long way to go....still worried about becoming a cat woman in my later years, but at least I will be happy. 

     Counseling mixed with time is what she needs.  I can't wait to see the follow-up episode...I wonder who's going to be singing the blues then, I'm guessing the husband.

 

 

 
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February 21, 2008, 10:24 am PST

Its not about weight

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.
If you listen closely its not just about the weight. He also complains about the house is not clean and the clothes are not folded. She has no maternal instincts. He said if he doesn't do it , it won't get done. There would never be any satisfying him. He is too superior. He will move from subject to subject forever. She works outside the home but he thinks its the woman's job to do the household chores. Not once did he say he was helpmate with the kids. He brought her on the show to have Dr. Phil fix her. I have been in her shoes. I know what she is feeling.
These types drain you. You walk on eggshells, trying to stay under the radar, but it doesn't matter. He will find you and still pick on something. It never ends. I was a strong self assured woman until my ex got ahold of my self esteem. It comes on so gradual. If you saw it all at once you would never have married him. Then before you know it you are in an emotional prison. Until you have the LIGHT BULB moment and have the courage to leave, it will stay status quo. Run Karen.
 


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