Replies to '12/28 Wifestyles'

If you consider how overwhelming it is to stand in your kitchen and think of reorganizing it with the kids running around and every day chores beckoning - you just don't know where to start!  Is it even worth it to clean one drawer or cupboard when you know it is all you could hope to accomplish in day?  The thought is completely overwhelming, so you just walk away and don't even put yourself through the heartache.   

Apply this same picture to your relationship...the exasperation you are feeling is exactly what your wife is feeling too!  Step one is to know that there is no easy answer, no quick fix.  Step two is to realize that just as life changes so must we reevaluate our expectations.  What you could accomplish as a couple without kids is not comparable to what you can accomplish with kids - the mathematics of time are against you.  Reevaluate!  If organization or cleanliness is a point of contention for you and your wife but time is not available to fix this to either of your satisfaction then hire some help.  Hire a babysitter to watch the kids while the two of you attack the toy room or the kitchen one day and then enjoy a movie or dinner out as a celebration.  Or hire a housekeeper to do the heavy chores like bathrooms and floors so your wife can have guilt free play time with the kids... 

When I told my husband about today's show he laughed and said - That guy sounds like me. We are happy together too. Some days I feel like your wife was protrayed, but not most.  

We have been married 10 yeaers now, living together for 12. HIs frustration comes when he doesn't have a clean shirt ironed to wear to work (that is my least favorite thing to do). We used to be a lot like you and your wife. When I finally told him what you heard on the show it helped us work better together. Now that he knows how easily he can hurt my feelings when it comes to housework and cooking he is much more sensitive to the way he tells me what he needs. I have also learned to be stronger about telling him when he is being hurtful about how I do my job.  

A good example is when I tried to make his favorite childhood dinner. His Mom taught me how to make it and I tried really hard, but really goofed it up. When I asked him how it was he simpy said it's not quite right, but you'll get it next time. He ate what I had made for him and thanked me for trying. So he was respectful of the fact that I tried and not critical that I got it wrong. 

5 years ago he would have said "You should have called my Mom to make sure you were doing it right".  

Use the inormation you gained from being on the show as a major tool. Our marriage really became a partnership after I read on of Dr Phil's books and talked about it with my husband.  

When I did work outside the home one thing I always looked forward to was my quarterly and annual reveiws. I knew that there was alot at least 1 or 2 areas I could improve, but that overall I was doing my job and doing it well. It is great to get that praise from the people you are working with. When I started staying home I didn't get those reviews any more. When I pointed that out to my husband a lightbulb went off, he realized that it is important that as a team he makes a point to tell me where he appreciates my efforts and how they make a difference.  

Relationship Rescue and Family First are both awesome books with very good ideas and plans to help you be a successful partnership.Good luck to both of you. You can do it if you work together. 

Grant, 

It is hard now because you have little ones that Kelly needs to focus on.  As the children get older and can entertain themselves and play together, Kelly will have more time to do things around the house.  My girls are now 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, and I'm amazed at how things are easier now.  I always had a hard time keeping up before because they were little and demanded a lot of attention.  Now they play together, and I'm able to concentrate on getting things done around the house.  Give Kelly a break.  It will get better.