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October 12, 2005, 9:48 am PDT
Counseling...
Quote From: galateaAlthough i'm not married, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. Anyway, I do have a question about a myth. The myth that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I don't think this is a myth I think it is a fact. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? I'm asking this because I recently found out that my boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotion abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? Am I even on the right message board? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood. It's really too bad that your future MIL made you promise not to say that she was the one who told you about the abuse. It would probably help both her and your fiance to get counseling, separately and together.
You are not wrong to want to address this issue before you commit to marriage. I would tell him that it has come to your attention that he witnessed abuse as a child and that you are concerned for the future of your marriage and possible children because of the examples he was shown as a child. Do not make him feel that he is defective, but let him know that you care for him and want to have a happy life together. He may have every intention of not following in his father's footsteps, but life can throw us some nasty curve balls, and it's possible to slip into learned behaviors when we are stressed.
Counseling can help him come to terms with what he saw and the feelings and thinking he took away from the experience. There's no guarantee that he would fall into abusive patterns, but it's better for everyone involved if it's addressed openly now.
Tell your boyfriend's mother that she is a very courageous soul and that she did the right thing by stepping up to tell you about this. I hope she gets help for herself also. She deserves it.
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