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Replies to '10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"'
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October 11, 2005, 12:07 pm PDT
 Quote From: lizabeth Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games? What you doing with you life while he is playing. Why wait for him to take you somewhere. Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever. There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money. My husband gets distracted with the computer. A new program so forth. All men like their toys. Which is fine. But it needs to be limited. You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything. If everyone is just sitting around watching dad. What does that teach them. I distract my husband. Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer. If I just ask him to get off it does not work. But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games. He will either keep playing the games or join you. Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.
My husband and I are in a community band. We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things. You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you. There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while. It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.
If he likes games go bowling with the family. I don't know. There is no answer. It is all in what you want to do with life.
See, even if you divorced him and left him. What are you going to do? What would he be doing? I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more. Every time you go to do something. Like take a walk in the mall. Invite him.. While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he.... Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section. I go look at other things..... And he is happy. Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy..... And he is fine with that. We have an agreement that if something is more than $40. We ask the other person if it is alright to get it. So once a month he does get something. I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out.... So it gets him out of the house.... I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month. (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.
So why be alone. Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood. I don't know? But it is all up to you........ He is in control of you and the games. While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well. Go to the gym anything. Just find something that you can enjoy as well. Not just watching him play............. You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars. It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game. I don't know what he played in the band. Maybe you could learn it and play with him..... No one has the answer but you... You just have to figure it out......
Best of luck...... Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him. I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important.. thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas... |
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October 14, 2005, 3:23 am PDT
Quote From: lizabeth Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games? What you doing with you life while he is playing. Why wait for him to take you somewhere. Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever. There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money. My husband gets distracted with the computer. A new program so forth. All men like their toys. Which is fine. But it needs to be limited. You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything. If everyone is just sitting around watching dad. What does that teach them. I distract my husband. Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer. If I just ask him to get off it does not work. But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games. He will either keep playing the games or join you. Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.
My husband and I are in a community band. We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things. You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you. There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while. It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.
If he likes games go bowling with the family. I don't know. There is no answer. It is all in what you want to do with life.
See, even if you divorced him and left him. What are you going to do? What would he be doing? I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more. Every time you go to do something. Like take a walk in the mall. Invite him.. While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he.... Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section. I go look at other things..... And he is happy. Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy..... And he is fine with that. We have an agreement that if something is more than $40. We ask the other person if it is alright to get it. So once a month he does get something. I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out.... So it gets him out of the house.... I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month. (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.
So why be alone. Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood. I don't know? But it is all up to you........ He is in control of you and the games. While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well. Go to the gym anything. Just find something that you can enjoy as well. Not just watching him play............. You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars. It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game. I don't know what he played in the band. Maybe you could learn it and play with him..... No one has the answer but you... You just have to figure it out......
Best of luck...... It's really clear which people giving suggestions here have dealt with this. My husband works between 40-50 hours a week, too, then spends the rest of it on the computer or watching ESPN or CSPAN That's it. he has no friends, he doesn't go anywhere, he has even refused to go to the kids' concerts and school events because he was tired or didn't feel well (he never feels well). Distracting him with kisses and chatting doesn't work, and neither does asking straight out--even when I'm especailly frustrated --for him to do something, whether it's the dishes , hel with paying bills. or watching a movie or going to the park. It won't happen. Why raise my hopes? (We've been married over 20 years--this is not new, although it's more extreme in the last 5 years or so) I have friends, I go places and am involved. In fact, I've gotten involved in a couple things just because it forces him to have time with our 9 year old--but guess what? I leave for the evening, then find he didn't feed her supper or watch the movie he promised or even tuck her in bed. "Daddy was busy, so I took care of it," she's told me. (Time with our 2 teenagers is too much to hope for--they don't know how to respond on the rare occassions that he does talk to them, it's so unusual) We NEVER argue; even if I get mad or frustrated, he doesn't answer. By and large, as long as I'm willing to be in charge of everything, there's no tension or crisis, either. From the outside, our house seems peaceful and accepting--everyone has their things they're into, live and let live, essentially. He's happy that I have friends and activities, he just isn't interested. in doing anything with me --or anyone else. He's very overweight (500+ lbs) and refuses to deal with it in any way, and that passive-aggressiveness defines our life. He's been in therapy several times, and the last counselor finally said that he enjoyed his sessions with us because we're well-educated and interesting, but the sessions were useless since my husband never followed through on anything, not the simplist change or reflection or assignment. I was told that there was no point in me continuing , unless it was support for leaving him--which I wasn't willing to do then, but I'm about ready to. There's nothing wrong that is explainable, really. How do I divorce someone who doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, doesn't drink, claims to be in love with me, he's just totally uninvolved with us. It sounds like I'm a dreamy romantic or a demanding princess to say "He doesn't pay attention to us!" --I told him to move out 6 months ago, saying I wanted him to get a life, take responsibility --he didn't respond. I repeated it, but nothing. He sat down at hte computer to play solitare for an hour. I'm the one changing the terms of our relationship--maybe I'm being selfish. I do believe he's donig all that he can, for whatever reason...he's just not willing or able to find out how to change. Wow, I sound whiny! I just know that all the cute little "plan a romantic evening" ideas really don't work with a cetain type of issue, and I'm starting to come to terms with how lonely and unsupported I really am. What I do with it....? He refuses to engage in a discussion about it, so everything must really be fine. I don't see him changing without me changing the situation drastically, so the question really is How far wil I go? |
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October 16, 2005, 3:39 pm PDT
Quote From: lizabeth Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games? What you doing with you life while he is playing. Why wait for him to take you somewhere. Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever. There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money. My husband gets distracted with the computer. A new program so forth. All men like their toys. Which is fine. But it needs to be limited. You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything. If everyone is just sitting around watching dad. What does that teach them. I distract my husband. Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer. If I just ask him to get off it does not work. But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games. He will either keep playing the games or join you. Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.
My husband and I are in a community band. We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things. You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you. There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while. It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.
If he likes games go bowling with the family. I don't know. There is no answer. It is all in what you want to do with life.
See, even if you divorced him and left him. What are you going to do? What would he be doing? I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more. Every time you go to do something. Like take a walk in the mall. Invite him.. While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he.... Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section. I go look at other things..... And he is happy. Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy..... And he is fine with that. We have an agreement that if something is more than $40. We ask the other person if it is alright to get it. So once a month he does get something. I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out.... So it gets him out of the house.... I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month. (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.
So why be alone. Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood. I don't know? But it is all up to you........ He is in control of you and the games. While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well. Go to the gym anything. Just find something that you can enjoy as well. Not just watching him play............. You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars. It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game. I don't know what he played in the band. Maybe you could learn it and play with him..... No one has the answer but you... You just have to figure it out......
Best of luck...... Honestly, you have no clue what the woman is talking about!!! You can nibble on their ears and they swat you like a fly. They get major UPSET if you interrupt them. THE MAN IS EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT, and she cannot change him. Yes, she can do everything with the kids, and does, AS I DO. they don't want to get involved in family life, they don't care! I have been married to a man for 15 years the same idential way. It doesn't matter how much you cry, talk, write, send up smoke signals, etc. they don't care. They have to want to change. There is nothing you can do about it. It just makes you sick to be married and feel like a single parent. These men are not there for their wives, or their children. IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM. Selfish from the word go! I am finally at the point where I don't give a rat's whatever what he does, or when he does it. He will go for days and not speak to me or the children. Makes for a wonderful life!!! Telling this woman to join this man in his gaming is STUPID in my opinion. Not only will it not work, it will make him worse than before. HE HAS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, HE HAS TO WANT TO PLUG IN, nobody can make him.
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