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Replies to '08/19 Tired of Being a Mom'
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March 26, 2008, 10:24 am PDT
 Quote From: lropes I read with sympathy the story of the mother who adopted her daughter from the Ukraine and was having a difficult time bonding with her, etc. I hope that Dr. Phil addresses the topic of Reactive Attachment Disorder and the terrible toll it takes on these adoptive families' lives. So many of these children have been traumatized and wounded before being placed in their adoptive homes and the scars are very deep. I would imagine that many of these families faced the adoption process with the mindset that "if we just love them enough" we can heal them. That, unfortunately, is not always the case and the cost to the family unit is tremendous. Both professionals and families need to be educated about attachment disorders and how parenting these types of children is totally different from what most of us consider to be normal parenting. Some of these children will heal, others will not in spite of the best efforts of those involved in their lives. Educate, educate, educate! There are so many children who need homes; but the families hoping to adopt them need to know what they are up against. The schools are not equipped to handle their special needs. Many professionals are not recognizing this lack of attachment and the accompanying behaviors. It's so easy to say that the adjustment will just take time. For the sake of these kids, the earlier attachment therapy is started, the better chance they have of creating those crucial bonds. I will watch with cautious anticipation that Dr. Phil will address this issue and bring to light what many of these adoptive families already know.....parenting these children is extremely difficult and there are no easy solutions. Love is not enough. I am so happy to hear people acknowledge Reactive Attachment Disorder, no one tells you anything about the possibility of this disorder when you are going through the adoption process. We have two wonderful children, not perfect, but great kids. We were asked to take in our niece by Child Protective Services, she was taken from her mother at 6months, CPS placed her into a shelter where she was placed into a crib and pretty much left there all day. Being taken from your mothers arms has to be one of the most traumatizing thingsa child could go thru, then put into a crib and left with no one to hold or console her, her not able to understand why they took her from the only thing she knew. We went through the long process of being approved to take her in as a Foster. We took her in 1 day before her first birthday, we were so excited we had went out and bought her a crib set, and all the things that she would need. My children were excited too. Right away I had difficulty with her, she would not sleep, I thought she is in a new place she will get used to it. Not the case she would not let me hold her to my chest to comfort she always had to face away from me, I could not rub her back and comfort her, nothing worked. I really did not think too much of it, because I thought love would fix her. CPS kept telling me there were no special needs and that she would adjust. Meanwhile we did not know i she would be taken from us and placed back with her mother so you are told to make sure everyone knows that she may be leaving our family. In other words don't get attached, because even thou the mother had not complied with any of the required programs that CPS had requested they still could not tell us if she would be placed back with her mother. CPS finally severed the mothers rights Two years later. I really did not want to adopt because things were getting worse with her but everyone kept telling me things would change after the adoption, I also felt it would be another trauma to her to after two years to give her up. I still thought things might get better. We went through with the adoption in 2006 and I regret it everyday, my oldest now 18 does not get along with her at all, and it is very hard to deal with an 18year old as it is but I can't get her to a point of acceptance. My Son is going to be 7 and he loved her when she first came but she was very mean after visitations, so he has just stayed away from her he tries to play with her but it never lasts long. He also has to share his room with her which really affects him, she does not sleep and at night she gets up and plays which disturbs his sleep. We only have a three bedroom home, and we did not plan to be in this position, it was only supposed to be for a couple of months. Now I have been reading on RAD and I don't know what to do they say that a child with this disorder should never sleep in the same room with another child. I don't have any place else to put her and I don't know what to do to protect my son and the family. At this point if I could do things over I would have stayed out of the whole thing and not gotten involved. Most days I Hate her, and I don't like feeling like that, but she has turned my home and marriage upside down. If you would have asked me before she came I would have said I am a great mom, I now know that I am the Best Mom for my kids! As for her I think she would have been better off somewhere else,where they are prepared to deal with these sort of disorders. |
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