Replies to '08/19 Tired of Being a Mom'

Robyn,

New to message board - hope it isn't to late to post on this. Have been trying to figure out how to find you so that hopefully you will get these words of encouragement. Our circumstances have so much in common. I have been where you are and things have turned around completely for our family. My husband and I adopted our youngest daughter from Russia in 2000. She was 4 years old at the time. By the time we reached Moscow she would scream and cry if I tried to have any kind of interaction with her. It got some better when we returned home but she never seemed to bond with me. For years people said she seemed basically fine but I knew there was something very wrong. She was defiant with me a lot of times, would not listen and often would not follow the rules. Lying was a big problem, often it was over things that didn’t make any difference. It was almost impossible to discipline her because she had no currency. You couldn't ground her from things - she didn’t care she would just do something else. We took her to two different psychologists one of which told us she was fine; after all she had a right to be angry. Finally at age 10 she began to cut herself. This was after several years of finding things cut up in her room. Through a local church we found a wonderful psychologist who diagnosed her with reactive attachment disorder. The first meeting turned out to be pretty discouraging and scary for me. Now we finally had a diagnosis but being told there was no “cure” for RAD only behavior modifications was not all that encouraging to me. One thing he suggested was that we lock our bedroom door at night as she could possibly become dangerous (something I had no doubt would someday happen). I took all the knives and scissors in the house and hid them. He told us she didn’t trust us and would need to build that up. We would also need to find a way to disciple that would be effective. One suggestion was to add something appropriate, i.e. a chore, instead of taking something away. That didn’t work either. We finally came upon something that did work really well and that was to ground her from her room. She had to spend time with us! She was also supposed to journal about her feelings since she rarely would discuss them. She ended up having a year of counseling starting out with once a week, to once every two weeks then longer stretches. After one year the psychologist felt he no longer needed to see her on a regular basis, just when we or she felt it was necessary.  To be honest I really don’t understand what happened during counseling to change her so radically but thanks be to God that it did. The past year has been great with her; she is a completely different child. She loves to snuggle on the couch while watching TV, she hugs us and tells us she loves us. She is trustworthy. In fact she is on a week long vacation with her grandparents and cousins. Something I never thought she would be able to do. There were also many times that I desperately needed a week apart from her and now I cried when she left and miss her!  She is on the A/B honor roll in her middle school – something else I never thought would happen since she struggled with language, reading and math. I am so amazed by all she has overcome and the person she has become. Now when she smiles you can tell that she truly is happy. I love her and I’m so proud of her. Though we will always be on the lookout for signs that she needs additional counseling (especially entering the teen years) and being told there is no “cure” I feel otherwise. Hope this has been helpful.

I realize this originally aired back in March, so I hope Robyn and Connie both read this if no one else does.  Let me begin by saying I am not a mother yet, so I can't know or have an opinion of what either of you are going through in that aspect.  However, I once was a child with a disability, I am now an adult with the same disability.  I have cerebral palsy and for the first 9 years of my life I had multiple seirures a day for which I was on medication, until I was 12.  I'll never forget the seemingly never-endless doctors visits that I hated with great passion, I might add.   Due to God's healing and the correct medication, I am happy to say that I've been seisure-free for the last 15 years.  I live a completely normal life.  There's isn't a single thing I can't do that I put my mind to.  I am very determined!  It may take me longer and I might have to find a different way, but I can promise you I will accomplish it.  There is hope for you!

I cannot stress enough that I would not be the 27 year old woman I am today if it were not for my mother, father and 2 older sisters. My mom drove me to all of my my doctors visits, did theropy, and made sure I had all of my medicine. She had alot of help and support from my dad and sisters, as well.  Even though mine and your children's disabilities are very different, symptom wise, the stress and frustration of it all as a parent is very much the same.  So, please keep pressing forward as the awesome mother's both of you are and help your children through this difficult time.  God chose you to mother your kids because He knew both of you  were the ONLY ones that has what it takes to get them through life.  Like I stated,  as the child, I can't imagine the emotional and physical stress you have as the mothers. However, as the child, I can honestly say the only possible way your children will be who God has destine for them to be is if YOU raise them.  God would not have put that much faith in you if He didn't think you weren't capable.  One of my favorite saying is "If God brought you to it, He will bring you through it!"  God bless you both!!!!

I watched the show yesterday and I feel I relate to you in every way Robyn.  We adopted my oldest son who is 12 now when he was 2.  We did not know when we got him that he was neglected and that he would have all the problems he has now.  He also suffers from RAD's.  He does everything you described and more.  I am to my wits end with him and do not know what to do.  Did you get any resources after the show?  Somone gave me a book a few years ago - I think it was titled something like "When Love Is Not Enough".  I think this is just like what you said about "There's just not enough chocolate."  Thanks,

Melinda