Replies to '08/19 Tired of Being a Mom'

Robyn, I have not yet seen the show, but from what I've read, it seems like Alyssa exhibits some very positive signs of being able to improve in some areas of concern.  For instance, it sounds like she behaves fairly well in other settings, is able to interact appropriately with others, etc., that most of her acting out and expression of such negative feelings comes at home, with you... strangely, that can be a GOOD sign; it may indicate that after a day of working hard to control herself, she feels secure enough with you to "let down and relax," so to speak.

I taught students with behavior disorders for many years, and I can't tell you how many times that happened... kid is assigned to my class, causes all kids of chaos, I might actually see a decline in behavior, I start thinking I am actually a negative influence on him; then the regular ed teachers start getting back to me with "Whatever you're doing with him, keep it up; he's a different child!  Way to go!"

Eventually, when the appropriate behavior becomes easier to manage and they don't have to expend so much energy away from home, the home life will settle down, too.

Hope that helps a little...

; )

Hi,

I am speculating from other posts that you are the mother of the girl with RAD.  I just wanted to say that you seem like a warm, beautiful person who has chosen to open her home and heart to hard to place children.  I feel your pain, because I am also the mother of  three girls with RAD.  We adopted them eight years ago from the foster care system, and were told that they were healthy and had formed an attachment.  This was the furthest from the truth.  The oldest two girls are the worst, with the youngest having a mild case of it.  Some highlights form the older two girls--breaking my nose, setiing fire to my home, urinating and defecating on my floors when angry, spreading false rumors about me that they aren't being fed (ridiculous), one of them constantly trying to sexually act out with my husband even with repeated counseling,and triangulating and trying to break up our marriage.  These are only a few examples, and by the way they received the best counseling and attachment therapy that money could buy.  It made no difference.  I have put my heart and soul into these girls, but I have had to face that they will likely never change, and I have had to accept them for how they are.  In addition, I have a biological daughter who has severe cerebral palsy, and whose functioning is on par with the second boy on the show with Down's and autism.  I can tell you that reactive attachment disorder is much harder to deal with. 

Robyn,  my heart ached for you when I saw you and I understand exactly what your going through.  I find that  outsiders cannot possibly understand, and say the most hurtful, unsupportive comments.  None of the people who have criticized me have taken special needs children and many of them don't have children period.  What I have had to realize is that your feelings are neither right or wrong.  Feelings are very superficial: it is actions that count.  No one in your position would have the warm-fuzzies for your daughter, but you continue to care for her and provide a good home for her.  That is much more significant  and shows that you do love your daughter.  She is very lucky to have you.  You are entitled to every  emotion that you have experienced.  I think at this point it is enough that you are just raising her.  With my RAD girls, I have had to learn how to redefine success.  I think of myself more as their life-skills teacher rather than a mother. I am able to cope better this way. Still, this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Our most severe child resides away from home, but we still visit and have custody of her.  This is mostly by her choice.