Replies to '04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting'

My daughter just turned 18 in March. Things were pretty good until last summer. She fell in love and started to hang around the bad crowd. Her friends have pretty much dropped out of school, doing drugs, partying most of the time. My daughter believes and tries to make me believe that ALL KIDS DO DRUGS AND DRINK. She associates her self with friends which are on their own with no parent supervision. One lives at his grand parents and has no one to report too, and the others ones simply have no rules so of course, I was the mean one...... the one who wouldnt let her live a NORMAL teenagers lifesyle. She lost her virginity in August 2007 and all of a sudden, she was an adult now wanting the sleepover thing with her boyfriend and stuff and I just couldnt allow that.  She started rebelling and kept telling me she was going to move out as soon as she was 18 and I started to panic. She once ran away because I told her she couldnt see her b-friend and had to come home to clean her room. It took her three days to come back and I wanted this to happen where she would decide to come home and would have to follow my rules. Her b-friend broke it off with her but she still hung around with the crowd. Her new boyfriend is 18, living wherever as his mother and step father live up north and he got kicked out. Has no money, no job, and just got arrested for breaking and entering !! This is where I get really confused. My daughter still prtety much talks to me. She tells me things I would of never told my parents and I dont want those lines of communications to stop so I try to remain calm and cool whenever she talks to me. Now that she's 18, she has this attitude that she can do what she wants. She's failing in school and not sure she will graduate. She would need to go to adult school to complete her education. Her bedroom is more then a mess leaving food around, glasses filled with milk or juice..... clothes everywhere.... its quite discusting but doesnt care. Now, she doesnt call me to tell me when she's coming home and thinks she has no curfew though I had told her that even though she was going to be 18, I still have expectations and she would have to continue to respect me. If I push to hard, will she leave and go with her boyfriend and I fear I will regret it. I was hoping she would see this on her own with out my opinion. She did share with me that she was embarest when people ask her what her b-friend does cause he does nothing so a little bell rang and I was hoping she would start to think about whre her life is going. I take the time to talk to her being very carefull with my words. I told her that if her friends had no motivation, no goals, they wouldnt end up very far unless they choose to change their ways. I mentioned  to her that if she surrounded her self with a better crowd, it would better her life and she would eventually realise what really matter in life and how life really works. I am a single mother and I have 3 children. I give them love, support and I have overcome many very difficult challenges and had hoped they would see that life is not as easy as they think it is. I've gone to therapy with my daughter to better our relationship, I've taken her to see a spychiatrist to make sure she doesnt have bi-polar as its in her biologicals fathers family. I offered her the book <closing the gap>, I've offered her spiritual audio c.d books explaining to her that If she starts now, she has a much better chance of having successfull relationships with those in her life. I've compomised on what she's ask to try and reach the middle but in return, I have gotten very little on her behalf and yes, she manipulates me. Shes made up stories at work about her family life so that people feel sorry for her. She's made me look out to be a monster...even though it doesnt matter what other think, I feel sad that she would be able to invent and want to do this to her mother. What does a mother do when she feels her daughter might leave..... I told her that if she wanted to move out, the only thing I wished for was that she would do it properly and I was willing to help her to get a good start.  The last thing I want is for her to leave for the wrong reasons but then again, she's only 18 and thinks she understands what life is all about !!

I really thought when she was 17 that I had beaten the odds. That I had succeeded in avoiding the teenage misery but then, I realised that I had made poor choices at 19 years old and now I know, this is the most critical age. This is the begining of their future and the choices they will make will have a strong impact on the adults years. I'm talking about pregnancies, boyfriends, education..... but she doesnt want to hear it. I really didnt think I'd be in this situation today and I thought my way would work. Its frustrating to see that with all my efforts, something failed and I have gone back in my mind to see where I messed up ! Where do I hold responsability and even by doing so, I cant go back ! I know I raised my kids feeling sorry for them when things happened and so I tried to compansate in other ways (unlike our parents). I now know that I was wanting to be a better parent but its obvious now to me that kids also learn through struggles and that life is not always fair.....  I know I lack consistancy and so I am trying to change my ways with my two younger boys. Trial, fail and adjust !!! Isent that how we learn unfortunaltely !!!