Message Boards
Replies to '08/19 Tired of Being a Mom'
|
March 31, 2008, 7:36 am PDT
 Quote From: jnokleby I need to respond the dad issue. I posted earlier, before seeing the show. My point still stands, I need to address the father. Coming home from AWAY to work, spending minimal time with the child makes his authority of "not a hard child to take care of" bogus. GIve the father the same 24/7/365 time frame and the mom the reversal time away from home and the dad would be writing. The cares for the child PLUS the home life--the normal things you and I do and take for granted. I am an older sibling of a special needs child--born in the 50s. You had family to pitch in and share your needs NOW. But with the isolation the mom feels is not a good mental health living for anyone. THe father is selfish is he thinks the mom's health will outlast her son's. Or stupid. It was sad when my parents (really my mom) said this was it, time to find another place for little brother. My story previous showed it was the best move ever. My young brother was dxed with multiple kinds of cancer last July, died in August. My father had to come to realize his guilt of not being there as much as he could had to be let go of. And to have to say goodbye as my little brother took his last breath. We loved our brother. Letting him go to live in a group home was the best gift we could have given him. He had a normal as possible life with a happy family who came to his home to visit. He had a social life that was so full, sometimes he told us not to come. There are horror stories of hellholes, but the ratio of fantastic places is much higher. "Dumping" your child is different than letting them have a life. Our society has more concerns about animal care than our special needs children. (I am with HS). Letting a special needs live where they will have the care and fullest life is the most important. There are programs available nation wide--I kid you not--so don't waste any time. And you all out there without children of special needs--volunteer at functions,special olympics, etc. The hug and smile is so much worth it. Heck-help a mom with a special needs child. I have done respite care for a DS little girl who broadened my horizon completely. Bless you all. A mom with normal children and grandchildren--grateful for my special needs brother for 50 years. Joyce I really wanted to thank you for what you shared. Yes, I am alarmed that the mom thinks about how she wishes she aborted her son. But, as far as the group home goes, that's something I have no experience with. I think the show kept using the word "institution" and maybe that wasn't appropriate. There are group homes that are much more personal. I've been told that these group homes are in regular houses in regular neighborhoods and you can't even tell walking by what it is. I have to say that it concerns me that the dad doesn't seem to get it the toll it is taking on his wife. I still say that family could try some inhome supports first and see if that makes a difference. You know, in today's world they could try some intermedicate steps. But, thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for encouraging people to volunteer and help special needs children that they know. I can't tell you how much that helps. Even if you don't feel you'd be capable of babysitting a special needs child, it would make a WORLD of difference if you would offer to join the mom and help her. Go somewhere with her and the children where she normally couldn't handle them alone, such as a public swimming pool (random, I know it's just a specfic place I can't go without help.) |
|
|
March 31, 2008, 8:22 am PDT
Quote From: jnokleby I need to respond the dad issue. I posted earlier, before seeing the show. My point still stands, I need to address the father. Coming home from AWAY to work, spending minimal time with the child makes his authority of "not a hard child to take care of" bogus. GIve the father the same 24/7/365 time frame and the mom the reversal time away from home and the dad would be writing. The cares for the child PLUS the home life--the normal things you and I do and take for granted. I am an older sibling of a special needs child--born in the 50s. You had family to pitch in and share your needs NOW. But with the isolation the mom feels is not a good mental health living for anyone. THe father is selfish is he thinks the mom's health will outlast her son's. Or stupid. It was sad when my parents (really my mom) said this was it, time to find another place for little brother. My story previous showed it was the best move ever. My young brother was dxed with multiple kinds of cancer last July, died in August. My father had to come to realize his guilt of not being there as much as he could had to be let go of. And to have to say goodbye as my little brother took his last breath. We loved our brother. Letting him go to live in a group home was the best gift we could have given him. He had a normal as possible life with a happy family who came to his home to visit. He had a social life that was so full, sometimes he told us not to come. There are horror stories of hellholes, but the ratio of fantastic places is much higher. "Dumping" your child is different than letting them have a life. Our society has more concerns about animal care than our special needs children. (I am with HS). Letting a special needs live where they will have the care and fullest life is the most important. There are programs available nation wide--I kid you not--so don't waste any time. And you all out there without children of special needs--volunteer at functions,special olympics, etc. The hug and smile is so much worth it. Heck-help a mom with a special needs child. I have done respite care for a DS little girl who broadened my horizon completely. Bless you all. A mom with normal children and grandchildren--grateful for my special needs brother for 50 years. Joyce I am glad you responded to the Dad issue. I also posted earlier on this point, and from my own experience raising a handicapped child. In our case Dad is a wonderful father and spends alot of time with our daughter on weekends and evenings. He is a kind, patient and loving father.During the week he is away from the home long hours each day which has left the bulk of the care to me. People who say things like the Dad is much more patient and enthusiastic about being with the special needs child than Mom need to realize that the time away from the situation that Dad has gives him time to recharge and regroup; time that Mom in may situations does not have the luxury of getting. And, yes, he is away from home working which is not a fun thing, and which brings its own stresses. But he does get the much-needed time away from the job, unlike Mom who does not get the break from the rigors of handicapped childcare. I love my special needs daughter, and I believe that one of the things that helped me cope better has been getting some free time where I can do some of the things that I wish to do. I come back feeling refreshed, recharged and ready to deal with whatever needs to be done. People need to understand that for the Moms who are on call 24/7/365 it is hard to maintain patience and understanding and being the perfect parent. They need a break!!! So stop being so critical and maybe you can put the energy you are wasting complaining into helping someone else out instead.
|
|
Return to the Message Board
