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Replies to '08/05 Fat Abusers'
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April 9, 2008, 5:02 pm PDT
 Quote From: diamonddahlia I just want to know: is there a line between being an abuser or just not wanting to be intimate with someone who has gained a lot of weight? Is it ever acceptable to say sex is understandably unappealing? Why should people be made to feel like ogres because their spouse has gained 50+ pounds and have become so different physically that they are not longer physically attractive to their partner?
I haven't had sex with my husband for probably 3 years and it's in good part due to his weight. Another big part of it is also his lack of hygeine. I do love my husband, but he has changed so much I no longer find him physically attractive.
Perhaps I'm a shallow person. I'm no beauty queen myself. A couple of times I have gained weight, and no, I would not expect my husband to be attracted to me if I were way overweight. I would understand. Like someone said, it's partially about physical attraction. There is a big physical difference between a fit 185lb man and an unfit, overweight one of 300lbs.
Sex with a large man is different. Sometimes hygeine is not as good. Perhaps it has to do with depression and not wanting to bother. Maybe it's just laziness. Who knows, but in any case, sex in those instances is not appealing.
It's fine for Dr Phil to say, "everyone try to do better, have some respect" but what about when sex is repulsive? Are you resigned to a life of having sex with someone who makes you grit your teeth and hope it's over with soon, because your spouse is not attractive?
And yes, I understand people get older. Peoples' looks change. Aging is different from weight gain. Aging is a natural occurence, and doesn't have anything to do with your willpower, self-esteem, or interest in caring for your own personal health. A fit senior man is attractive. A fat one is more often not.
I watched as the heavy people nodded and agreed, "yeah I'll work at it" and I know full well that for the most part, they're probably just saying what everyone wants to hear, and probably will go back to their old ways as soon as they get home or soon thereafter. Wanting to try and really making an effort is two different things. Some people are blissfully ignorant or just plain uncaring about how they might be seen as being less than appealing. I was dismayed to find that no one seemed to have much sympathy for the people who had to deal with very overweight people.
I agree some of the stuff was abuse, but honestly, can you really blame them for not wanting sex? It's not all about just sex though; when you are fit and want to get out and do things, and your hubby can barely get off the couch and doesn't seem to care to change, it doesn't make for much in the appeal department. Sex starts way before the bedroom. you asked "I just want to know: is there a line between being an abuser or just not wanting to be intimate with someone who has gained a lot of weight? Is it ever acceptable to say sex is understandably unappealing? "
There isn't anything wrong with saying "I find I'm not attracted to my husband any more because of ______ & ___________ & ____________. etc. etc.
But when we are calling someone a "fat slob, slut, beotch etc. etc. and we allow our children to verbally abuse their father as well THAT is an abuser! I mean you aren't thinking that "get off your fat A**" is going to motivate are you?
You asked
" I was dismayed to find that no one seemed to have much sympathy for the people who had to deal with very overweight people. "
What we didn't have sympathy for were the abusers. There are many reasons for weight gain. Someone else here had said they had an issue with weight because of an illness and the same could be said for me now. I was what was considered to be "a looker" most all of my life but being on high blood pressure meds had me gain weight so fast it made my head spin. As I've had to deal with it the idea of a husband making it worse by calling names etc. breaks my heart and lets face it he'd had me all those years I was a curvy hottie. Suddenly now because I'm 35 lbs overweight he's have to "deal with me"? The idea that you think "aging is a natural occurence, and doesn't have anything to do with your willpower," says you think that weight loss is all about "willpower, self-esteem etc". The fact is that when the one woman got on the treadmill her husband blew *cigarette smoke* in her face! is this the "fit senior" you'd be referring to? I'm sorry but I think you're some what nieve when it comes to weight loss and thinking it's just people who are "lazy & over eating"
And of the couples that were on TV today those spouses were having a few issues themselves! weight in bed is an issue but then so is opening their mouth during sex and *speaking*. I imagine that to be some what of a turn off too! And no see when they present themselves in such an ugly light they don't really get sympathy do they? I've been married for a LONG time and my husbands opinion carrys a lot of value for me. The idea that he'd be the one tearing me down instead of encouraging me is just way out there. And notice that Roger got his wife a treadmill so he could continue to verbally abuse her while she's on it and told her that going to the gym is a waste of her money and time? That's because her going tothe gym she might actually find others there that would REALLY encourage her and she may be successful inspite of him! He is the opposite of a help mate which is what a spouse is suppose to be. My hubby is my biggest cheerleader and it's vise versa. :) |
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