Replies to 'Balancing Marriage and Family'

I believe in being so mad that both can occur.  Unfortunately, once words are said you can't take them fully back.  As women we have a LONG memory.  It is hard to tell what the true meaning and intention was when your husband said such an awful thing.  You are unable to control what he says, but what you can control is how you act during an argument.  It is difficult to have a heated argument unless both sides engage in the raised voices and fight.  Often times a heated situation can be cooled down some by one side remaining calm.  When he raises his voice make a conscience effort to not raise yours.  Use "I" statements instead of "you" so not to get him on his defense.  Try turning these arguments into discussions.  Even if you disagree perhaps this will deescalate the situation enough to prevent the throwing of angry words that leave a permanent mark.   If you are too upset to do this then take sometime to cool down before engaging with him on the subject.  Write you feelings down and think before you speak.  Try to express your feelings and a solution to the problem rather than push his buttons and blaming.  Another suggestion is before the next argument comes sit down and calmly discuss how this way of dealing with issues is not working and both of you can make suggestions to argue in a more fair manner.  Something is going to have to give otherwise continuing on this path will eventually lead you both to resenting each other and ruining your relationship completely.   If your efforts are not working, it may be worth involving an unbias third party (a professional counselor) to help you both work toward a happier relationship that doesn't have the need for such nasty arguments.  Good luck and keep us posted! 

Wait, wait…if it is so hard to get him mad, why do the two of you argue so much? From what you’ve described, it sounds like it is the opposite; it sounds more like he gets angry easily and says hurtful things.

You have no control over your husband; the only person you have any control over is YOU- when he is angry and says hurtful things, you do not have to respond. I know it feels like you have to; but when you respond, you are only keeping the arguing going. You can make the choice to not say mean/negative things back. I urge you to just try it a few times. As you said, you know that you’ll be fighting again later, so why not go on and give it a try- just simply do not respond. Instead, make the choice to either leave the room, or say, “This is getting heated fast, lets take some time to cool off and then talk about it.”

I can honestly say that I have never said hurtful things just to make someone else mad. I’ve had some arguments in my life, and I never had to make anything up that was hurtful; if I said it, I meant it- I probably regretted it later, but I either say how I feel at the time or say nothing at all. I’ve learned, as I’ve gotten a little older and more mature, that it isn’t necessary to say hurtful things, it isn’t even necessary to argue. You can refuse to engage in an argument, what is he going to do, argue with himself? I doubt it. As I said, I know it is difficult to break old habits, even ones that are bad for you, but it sounds like you are tired of this cycle and only you can do something to break it. Best wishes!