Replies to 'Having a Baby Has Changed My Life'
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October 13, 2005, 8:12 pm PDT
 Quote From: abirney I became a wife in August of 04 and then found out I was pregnant four months later and Noah was born in August of 05. I love this little guy with all of my heart, but he has completely changed my life. In one year I became somebody's wife and someone elses mother. This has been a really hard transition for me. We are the first in our group of friends to have a baby so I really have no one to talk to. When I get stressed out I feel guilty. I am used to working full time, but I have been off work for three months and have three weeks to go. I feel guilty because I am almost looking forward to getting back to work just so I can be me again. I love my child and would not trade him for anything, but I have found I that I am beginning to resent my husband because he has been able to keep some normalcy in his life. He returned back to work after only a week at home, during which time he came and went as he pleased leaving me and the baby at home alone. He is a very loving husband and father, but it seemed to me that this wasn't nearly the change for him that is was for me. He comes home from work and lets me know he is going to spend the evening playing golf. He doesn't have to worry that his son will not be taken care of. However, if I want to go have dinner with friends, I have to check with him and make sure he can "babysit" this is the double standard I cannot understand. I have had to come home before even making it to the restaurant because my husband couldn't get him to quit crying. I had only been gone for fifteen minutes and the baby was asleep when I left. I asked him who he thought I called when I couldn't get him to quit crying. I think that helped him understand a little bit better why I was a little stressed at the end of the day when he got home. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed because I get to spend special moments with our son that my husband misses and I wouldn't trade those, but why is it that dads are so quick to show off their children, but do little to actually help take care of them. When do they become equal care-givers instead of baby sitters? I too recently became a new mom. I am 28 years old and had been dating my fiance for a little over a year when we were moving in together last year. In the middle of our move I noticed that I had missed my cycle and was just not feeling right. We chalked this up to Texas sinus and kept moving. Then we took the test and it showed we were having a baby. That was the first of our new found relationship "nothing is ever easy" is what we call it. In the middle of being pregnant I did not want to be engaged, plan a wedding and look for a new home. So we started with finding a home. Well again nothing can be easy for us. Our son Dylan decided he was just took happy and needed to come out almost 3 months early, that is right he was born at 29 weeks. Dylan did have some complications that resulted in his delivery. My blood pressure had risen so high that my body started rejecting Dylan and they saw on the ultrasound that he had hemorrhaging in his brain. Thus at 400 the doctor advised they were taking Dylan and at 415 he was here. Since then Dylan had to spend 84 days in the NICU and has undergone 3 surgeries, with the most recent being on 10/05. During all of this we decided that my fiance, yes we decided to get engaged after moving into the house a week after Dylan was born, decided to become the stay at home parent. Mr MOM...... This was decided b/c Dylan ended up having to spend several days weekly at all different Doctor offices and had to do OT with the state appointed therapist and nutritionist. We have now been denied our Medicaid and SSI and are in the appeal process, did not think this would go away and now on one income WOW the extra cost my insurance does not pick up is eating us alive. With all of this it is something new daily with Dylan and we are just so Thankful that God continues to bless us in overcoming these issues. Dylan never let's it get him down though, he just keeps on the best he can and acts as if nothing is wrong. he is just so cute. We love him so much. He has had his own website since he was born to keep everyone across the globe advised of his current condition and our friends and family have been great. With that being said TRUST me I was so happy to return to work, it is my escape. However, please do not do what I did and get too involved with work that you spend all your time with it. Work will always be there, but your family has to come first, they need YOU. It is okay to need a break and it does not make you a bad parent at all, just be careful at how many and how long your breaks are. In addition you also have to remember to keep your relationship with DAD... This is something we could use advise on, we are such great friends that sometimes that is all we are anymore. We are working so hard at everything else we kinda put us on the back burner.... |
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October 14, 2005, 10:10 am PDT
Quote From: abirney I became a wife in August of 04 and then found out I was pregnant four months later and Noah was born in August of 05. I love this little guy with all of my heart, but he has completely changed my life. In one year I became somebody's wife and someone elses mother. This has been a really hard transition for me. We are the first in our group of friends to have a baby so I really have no one to talk to. When I get stressed out I feel guilty. I am used to working full time, but I have been off work for three months and have three weeks to go. I feel guilty because I am almost looking forward to getting back to work just so I can be me again. I love my child and would not trade him for anything, but I have found I that I am beginning to resent my husband because he has been able to keep some normalcy in his life. He returned back to work after only a week at home, during which time he came and went as he pleased leaving me and the baby at home alone. He is a very loving husband and father, but it seemed to me that this wasn't nearly the change for him that is was for me. He comes home from work and lets me know he is going to spend the evening playing golf. He doesn't have to worry that his son will not be taken care of. However, if I want to go have dinner with friends, I have to check with him and make sure he can "babysit" this is the double standard I cannot understand. I have had to come home before even making it to the restaurant because my husband couldn't get him to quit crying. I had only been gone for fifteen minutes and the baby was asleep when I left. I asked him who he thought I called when I couldn't get him to quit crying. I think that helped him understand a little bit better why I was a little stressed at the end of the day when he got home. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed because I get to spend special moments with our son that my husband misses and I wouldn't trade those, but why is it that dads are so quick to show off their children, but do little to actually help take care of them. When do they become equal care-givers instead of baby sitters? I think the key here is Respect on both of your parts. You need to communicate your feelings to him and be honest, if you don't then how is he suppose to l=know what you are feeling. I think too it is imporant that you have your "me" time and one thing that works with us in my home is, I have a set time that I go out all by myself and do wahtever I want which is Saturday mornings, now on accasions other things do come up as that is how life is sometimes, there may be times when I take one of our girls with me and the other stays with daddy, sometimes we all end up goingt o gether depending on what needs to be done, My husband is now on a rotating work schedule and we have to go by his schedule but when I knw that he is home and will be for a bit, I do not hesitate to tell him that I am going out for a bit and I will be back in a couple hours, he is a great father and he doesn't have a problem with this. If you have a plan already in place then both of you will be happy, if all fails maybe you can get a sitter for an hour or two and go out with a friend. Really, I have come to realize that men don't always grasp the whole affect of parenting because we, the wives/mothers don't communicate our needs and desires, we just assume that the men should know thier place and responsibility and maybe they should but becasue we, the women are usually the main caregivers, the men in our lives may think that we have everything under control so this is why we must communicate and work together at a plan that will work and satisfy both parents. It is nothing for me to tell my husband, I am going out with Cate on Friday night, you need to be home and watch the girl or if he is working, I just tell him the girls and I will be going out tonight, you need to help your self to dinner. I think if you have a good marriage relationship, this would not be a problem but it still takes communication, repsect and the willingness to work together. I decided along time ago, even befor ehaving children, that I wasn't gonna sit around the house and mope and wait for hubby to do his part and I don't, I go when I want and if that means taking my children with me, then I do it, if it means paying a sitter, I do it, if it means telling him that he needs to stay home with them, then I do it. Now, of course I have respect for him and make sure that he is feeling up to doing it and that he has the time to spend with the girls, he does work and he too deserves his alone time and out with friends and all, it is a matter of having a balance and working together. |
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February 5, 2007, 12:49 pm PST
Quote From: abirney I became a wife in August of 04 and then found out I was pregnant four months later and Noah was born in August of 05. I love this little guy with all of my heart, but he has completely changed my life. In one year I became somebody's wife and someone elses mother. This has been a really hard transition for me. We are the first in our group of friends to have a baby so I really have no one to talk to. When I get stressed out I feel guilty. I am used to working full time, but I have been off work for three months and have three weeks to go. I feel guilty because I am almost looking forward to getting back to work just so I can be me again. I love my child and would not trade him for anything, but I have found I that I am beginning to resent my husband because he has been able to keep some normalcy in his life. He returned back to work after only a week at home, during which time he came and went as he pleased leaving me and the baby at home alone. He is a very loving husband and father, but it seemed to me that this wasn't nearly the change for him that is was for me. He comes home from work and lets me know he is going to spend the evening playing golf. He doesn't have to worry that his son will not be taken care of. However, if I want to go have dinner with friends, I have to check with him and make sure he can "babysit" this is the double standard I cannot understand. I have had to come home before even making it to the restaurant because my husband couldn't get him to quit crying. I had only been gone for fifteen minutes and the baby was asleep when I left. I asked him who he thought I called when I couldn't get him to quit crying. I think that helped him understand a little bit better why I was a little stressed at the end of the day when he got home. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed because I get to spend special moments with our son that my husband misses and I wouldn't trade those, but why is it that dads are so quick to show off their children, but do little to actually help take care of them. When do they become equal care-givers instead of baby sitters? Like you, I had a hard time with the unfairness I felt when we had our daughter 4 months ago. I didn't have a father growing up, and I never thought about how the responsability would be divided. I love my daughter more than my own life, and my husband is my soul mate. After 9 years together I honestly thought I had it all figured out when we decided to start a family. I didn't realize that as a mom, we will always be the primary care giver. I've come to just accept that most men (not all, but most) don't have nurturing instinct it takes to raise a child. One thing that has helped us is communication. I've stressed to him that it just feels so unfair that he has been able to hold on to his old ways (going out with friends, sleeping in, etc) while my whole world has changed so drastically.
One thing my husband says helps is that I tell him exactly what I need and then I actually let him do it - his way. I tell him to trust his instincts because I've also found that he doesn't contribute sometimes because he doesn't know how to do it nor does he know how to ask for help.
Also, lay down the law a little! I let my husband know that Saturdays are my days and he should expect to be taking care of the little one while I do whatever, where ever, I choose. And one night out of the week he is in charge of bathing and dinner because I spend hours up in a bubble bath with a nice bottle of wine and a good book. I told him that I should be able to feel like her father is watching her, not like I scheduled a babysitter.
It will get better, but I don't think it will ever be equal between my husband and I. I will always care more about the details than he will. But, I remind myself, there are other areas of double standards as well. You'll never catch me weedeating or taking out the trash or fixing my car. :)
Be sure to communicate with your husband. Telling my husband that he hasn't done anything wrong, but I need more me time has helped. Good luck! |
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