Quote From: love_montanaMy husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage and his wife is doing everything she can to turn the kids against him. He moved from Kansas to Montana a few years ago because she kept meddling in his life and was so controlling and manipulative he felt he had to make some drastic changes. The kids are now 17 and 9 and his ex-wife has let the 17 year old be the parent and designate when they could and could not come and visit according to what was happening with her friends at the time. Their mother has told them that if their dad loved them he wouldn't have left them - has told them he abandoned them - has involved them in every adult issue that has arised since the divorce 7 years ago - Anything and everything to turn the kids against him. He used to call the kids every night when he got home from work. The mom and older child would interfere with him talking to his son and tell him that he was sleeping, he didn't want to talk on the phone, he was out playing, he was watching tv - anything to keep him from talking to his son and having a relationship. He would get to talk to him maybe once every two weeks. Recently we hired an attorney to set some visitation guidelines for the 9 year old son and his mom immediatly started taking him to a couselor saying he was "afraid of flying" so he couldn't come to visit by himself. She tries to interject fears and thoughts in his head with no regard to the childs well being - she just wants contol! They recently were appointed a mediator to solve the visitation issues and the mediator told my husband that nothing he will ever do will make her happy and that they (mom and daughter) will do anything and everything they can to keep him from seeing his son because they are angry. The ex-wife has pretty much turned her daughter against her dad with constant bad mouthing and blameing and now is working on his son. He is trying to be the best father he can from this distance, but the ex'wife will not allow him to stay involved in their lives and is constantly fighting and so over emotional she wont even have a civil conversation with him. Now what?
The mediator is the best person to answer your question; what was his/her advice?
This must be very difficult for your husband (and you!) but encourage your husband to not get ‘beat down’ by his ex wife. Continue calling and attempting to be in the child’s life. This isn’t about winning or losing, but the ex wife believes that it is. There might not be a way for your husband to ‘win,’ but in the long run, he will come out smelling like a rose by not playing into the mother’s tactics.
My sister went through a divorce 15 years ago. She has a son with her ex; her ex has bad mouthed her to the son, said very negative and disrespectful comments about her, and tried to withhold the shared custody arrangement. Through the years, there have been many tears shed by my sister; she could have told her son bad, negative things about his father- but she didn’t. She knew that it would only hurt him. It has been very difficult! Her son is now 19, and over this past year, he has slowly opened up to my sister about the personal pain caused by his father. I wish I could say that she feels “vindicated” or “good,“ but of course, there is no satisfaction. It is so sad. Your husband’s ex-wife’s actions are hurtful to your husband, but they will hurt the children even more in the long run.
Do your best to be positive and encouraging; there will be good days and bad days. Be a positive supporter when needed and don’t give up! I wish you the best.
