Replies to 'Difficulty Forming Friendships'
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July 29, 2005, 4:35 pm PDT
 Quote From: tahoe1109 My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago. We left all of our friends and family. Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away. Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move. With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!
When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse! "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..."
I am going crazy! I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me. I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people. Even when his family is there he wants to leave! Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!
I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people. I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy. I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions. But, he still wants me sheltered. Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs. What do I do? I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior. Please help!
Questions:
Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise? Give in, give up that control?
What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?
How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?
When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??
I have been in a similar situation to a certain point, my husband never has tried to control me but getting him to go do things has been a problem and that is hard to deal with, I agree with Dr. Phil that we teach people how to treat us and as long as you allow your husbnad this hold on you, he will continue to do this, I think you just need to step out and do something, take your son and go. if you want to go to church, then find a church that you are interested in, get up on Sunday morning, get your son and yourself ready and go. Get to know people and don't wait on him to give you permission. You can't change him but you can change your self. When you get to know some one and you want to invite some one over then do it, get the evening ready and tell your husband that company is coming over and go with it. If he wants to cop up an attitude then that is his problem, not yours, it may be a little embarrassing or upsetting but you need to stick up for your self. get your self to the local "Y" or even the library and take your son to story time and all, Never too early to introduce your children to the library, Go to the park and enjoy a day out with your son and go to the play ground with him, there may also be a MOM'S group around some where, where you can go and meet other moms, Check out the MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)program. www.mops.com, it is a christian based group that usually meets in churches once or twice a month, there is a slight fee but is usually free the first couple visists or so so you can get a feel for the program. kids have a teacher who play and work on a basic curriculum with them. These are a few ways that you can get out and start meeting people and get to know them, Make sure you do take time with your husband, make sure you have nights with him and doing what he wants and all, include him as much as possible and if he rejects your offers then don't worry about him, some times it is hard for people to get out there and meet others and you may be the one to have to get the ball rolling here. |
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July 30, 2005, 8:51 am PDT
Quote From: tahoe1109 My Husband and I moved into our home almost 2 years ago. We left all of our friends and family. Our closest friend or relative is over 2 hours away. Both of us had an active social life both as a couple and individually prior to the move. With the exception of each set of parents we have not had a single soul over our house for the length of our current residence. (2 years in OCT) This is not my choice!!
When opportunity arrases, which I am constantly searching for, I bring it up to him...he immediately has an excuse! "We don't need to bother our neighbors" "we have a 2 yr old, we can't take him" "next week, next month..."
I am going crazy! I feel trapped and that he is trying to control me. I have been very open to meet people at work, however it is a very small company and I do not work with anyone within 10 years of my age! It is a daily struggle getting my husband out of the house, with or without other people. Even when his family is there he wants to leave! Other times he wants us to stay in our bedroom and watch TV!! I like movies and all but, I can't do as much as he would like!
I have excused myself trying to find ways for us to meet people. I have may wants a desires, for example becoming members of a church, inviting the neighbors over, joining a gym ECT... Without these needs I am unhappy. I have expressed this to my husband on many many occasions. But, he still wants me sheltered. Will find any excuse to prevent me from making plans or following through with my needs. What do I do? I am really looking for physiological reasons for his behavior. Please help!
Questions:
Obviously he wants control, how do I get him to compromise? Give in, give up that control?
What reasons would he have to keep me so isolated?
How can I get my needs met and still have peace in the home?
When expressing my need to have hobbies outside the family, why is he so against it??
I agree with jettav's advice. I would have a talk with your husband first though, starting out like "I love you but we are different types of people. I need..." This way you clarify yourself and there are no misconceptions on his part as to your desires. I might also add something like, "I would really love you to join me, if you want." Try to find things that he would get a kick out of too, that you might not care to do, but will go along to make him happy, like sports events or drag racing, etc. Marriage and child raising are the 2 toughest jobs you will ever have and it's definitely an ongoing process. |
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