Replies to 'Sex'

You're right. There is more to the story. I met my husband after we both suffered emotionally wrenching break ups. We commiserated and one thing led to another. Long story short, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, knowing that he wasn't the right one for me. I still don't know why I did it...loneliness, feeling so bad for him because he was so sad, or maybe because he was the complete and utter opposite of the guy who left me (and, subconsciously, less likely to leave me?)

He looks pretty much the same as when I met him, so this isn't a situation where he's gotten "worse" with age. I've just never felt that "connection" with him (mentally/spiritually) and certainly no physical "spark" whatsoever. We don't share any views, from politics to social issues to child rearing, etc. We raised his two daughters, and we have a five year old son together, and we fought loudly and angrily about how to raise them, etc. He's always been an angry, selfish, loud, aggressive, and boorish person.

This lack of "connection" with him led me down a destructive path. Years of anger and resentment and fights culminated in me leaving him last March. I told him I wanted a divorce, and I started talking to and meeting up with a man that I always thought was "the one" for me. Sure enough, after 22 years of separation, this man and I fell into each other's arms and cried like little kids when we saw each other again. My heart had never felt so full. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

But my husband had other plans. After divorcing me, he tortured us. He followed us. He went after this guy. He threatened his life, his mother's life, etc. He threatened me. He told my son horrible things about us. He told my family horrible things about us (they took his side). He told everyone in our small town horrible things about us. I had to call the police a number of times. After about a year of this, I told this man that I couldn't take what was happening to my son. He couldn't either. I told him I was going back to my ex, that I owed it to my son to do everything I could to restore his home and his happiness. He admitted that he was emotionally drained too, tired of watching his back, wondering when my ex would appear around the corner and "do him in".

We cried and cried. We debated. And we cried some more. And finally, we let each other go. I still think about him every day. And I still cry.

So I went back. To my ex's credit, he has turned things around. He is attentive with me and our son. We went to family counseling for a while. I told him I would never marry him again, but that I would be willing to try and rebuild a relationship for my son's sake. He is helping around the house. His anger is under control. He really seems to understand what he did wrong and is trying to fix it.

But obviously it can't change who he is. As for me, I am honest with my ex about how I feel. He knows that I was never attracted to him. He knows that I am still not. He knows that I still have feelings for the other man. He is waiting patiently for me to "get it out of my system". He knows that I only came back because I couldn't stand what he was doing to our son. He says it bothers him that I didn't come back because I love him. I love him because he's my son's father. He's a hard worker and a good provider. He's trying hard. Sometimes I like him. But most of the time, I don't like the way he thinks, the things he says, his humor, his attitude, or his opinions. I just ignore it and resign myself to the fact that I am an adult, and that sometimes, as adults, we have to sacrifice what we want for the health and well being of our kids.