Quote From: sarahjs26OK, heres the deal. I have an 11 year old step daughter, whom I have been raising since she was 4. with some help from my husband, and little help from her mom. her mom lets her run wild, in fear of kiddo stomping her feet, and being mad at her. well this puts me in the position of always being the enforcer, no make-up until 13, no belly shirts until further notice, wear your glasses, do your chores or no allowance, do your homework, keep your room clean, be nice to your brothers, and honest to pete, she just fights me about everthing, and I am turning into the biggest nag. But no one else will do it. Just as soon as she gets to her moms for the weekend visit, she plasters on the make-up, puts on the sexy little shirts, and struts her thing down to the local park or library without adult supervision, I know times and fasions have changed. So long story short, should I lax a bit with her, or stick to my guns, and come off as the controlling wicked step mom? I NEED AN OPINION ON THIS
If you've ever read Dr. Phil's book Family First or listened to him on the show he will tell you it is not good for you to be the enforcer. I used to not agree with him but now I have seen exactly what he is talking about. I have 2 sons my husband has helped me raise for 10 yrs. They are almost 19 & 15. In the beginning I was their boss but as time went on he became the one to lay down the law and make it stick. I sat back and watched thinking I was doing the right thing but we were so wrong. My oldest left home weeks before he graduated H/S and it almost ripped us apart. He needed to get that independence from his step-father. They still have issues to resolve, and they are working on it, but the damage was done by him being the one to discipline. It was unfair for them both. As for our other son we talk privately as to what he should and should not be allowed to do and what the rules are, but I am the enforcer. I see good things happening with this, the walls are coming down and they are allowed to have better relationship. He gets to be the good guy and it's back to the way it was before, what mom says goes.
Even though you've raised her since she was 4, her mother is undermining everything you are doing. Talk to your husband and make him step up to the plate and enforce these rules. He needs to let her know that he is in agreement on these things and they are not just your rules. The only way to make her see that is for him to be the one to enforce them. He also needs to speak with her mother and they need to agree on what is proper and improper for her at this age, comprimise where you can but if you could all agree on the same rules she would benefit from it.
