Replies to '04/10 Marriage Dilemmas'

I'm so sorry that you're in this position now. At the beginning, i found the Straight Spouse Network and spent hours a day reading stories about other women in my shoes. They are a great group of people and are extremely supportive through every stage of the journey.

At first I did feel like my marriage was a lie and over the past two years have realized that it's not about me. It has nothing to do with me, it's about him. It's about the facts that his ultra conservative, religious and judgmental family would not have accepted him if he ever came clean. With lots of support and love from me, I basically forced him out of the closet and made him realize that he needed to be who he was born to be. We joined PFLAG together and go to the meetings monthly and that has been a great deal of support for both of us. I had a great deal of empathy for him for having to hide his true self for so many years. Yes, I was hurt and scared and angry and many different emotions. I was lucky to have a very supportive family and the on-line support group women to help me through it all.

We have had our ups and downs. I think that for the first year or so I handled everything in an intellectual manner. It wasn't until we moved apart (it's only 4.5 miles but not in the same house) that the emotional aspects set in. It was then that I really had to accept that my marriage as I had dreamed it to be, was over. It was time to redefine the dynamics of our relationship and that was difficult. We did go to a counselor that Dr. Phil referred us to and he was helpful in guiding us through some of the tough times and I think we could have used more but couldn't afford it.

Give yourself time, give him time and take each moment, be it one day, one hour or one minute at a time and just keep breathing! It's never easy to end a relationship. Keep open lines of communication between you and keep talking. Be prepared for the unexpected. Sometimes they don't reveal all of the truth in the beginning and you find out more later on. Every case like ours is different so I can't tell you exactly what will happen tomorrow.

I also did a lot of praying and writing. By handing the problems over to God was a great help. Writing out my feelings and fears was also very helpful. There are so many letters that I've written to Randy but will never give him because I just needed to be angry but I knew that the moment would pass and there were words in those letters that would cause irreparable damage to our relationship so they are buried. The moment did pass and I have found a sense of calm and peace in myself that I hadn't seen in over 20 years.

We are the best of friends now and he's learning how to express his feelings, finally. His family was never a touchy feely kind of family that ever discussed feelings. It was all very superficial type of conversation but thanks to the counseling and support groups he's found, he's doing much better at it. We are able to talk about just about anything now. There are certain boundaries that I've set because I'm not comfortable discussing his current sex life but other than that, we do talk about dates we've gone on and people we meet. It's important that we know about those things because we have children and have concerns about who may possibly become a more regular part of their lives.

We are very fortunate to be where we are today. Had we stayed together I think that there would be a very high level of resentment between us. Thanks again to the Straight Spouse Network and my family! I'd have never been able to be where I am now.

I will pray for you and your husband and your children. You can make it through this. Just keep reaching out to people who can be positive influences for you. Don't listen to the negativity, it's your marriage and your journey and only you and your husband can decide what is best for you and your children.

I hope that you will find peace someday but it doesn't happen overnight. Hang in there!

Hugs, Shawne