Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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April 19, 2008, 12:44 pm PDT
 Quote From: eternal_love I've posted my story up before, but unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worse. Here's the situation. My husband and I got married last month; we've been together a little over a year now. When I first met him, his ex-girlfriend was three months pregnant with his child. He had initially wanted the two of them to stay together despite the problems they'd had in their relationship, but she ended up leaving him. Then when he met me, we both knew that things had happened for a reason and that we were meant to be together. I was accepting of the situation with his ex and the child that was soon to be my stepson. And fortunately his ex-girlfriend seemed to be pretty accepting of me and was okay with me being a part of the child's life. But since the baby was born, she's been pretty controlling. She won't allow my husband to have unsupervised visitation with his son...she ALWAYS has to be present. She won't even drop the baby off at my husband's mother's house so that he can spend some one-on-one time with the child. She also seems to want the visitations to be on her terms...when it's good for her. And everytime we have to cancel a visitation because it wasn't a good time for us, she gets furious and begins accusing my husband of being a dead-beat dad. She even posted a blog on the Internet about how my husband is a dead-beat father! She claims we don't spend enough time with the child, and I admit that the past couple of months we haven't made as much effort to see him. But the reason for that is because we feel there's no point because we never get a chance to bond with him. She always there watching our every move, and further more she rights down everything we do and say and exactly how long we're there, and then she'll turn that information over to the office of child support enforcement. How is a father and stepmother supposed to bond with a child during visitations like this? My husband pays child support and deserves the right to have UNSUPERVISED visitations with his son. We don't have the money to afford an attorney; we just recently were forced into filing chapter 7 bankruptcy. We tried talking to the office of child support enforcment to receive some advice but they could care less if she's depriving my husband of his rights. They told us they were only concerned with cases involving child support.
Finally we tried to compromise with her on the visitations so that we might could have some unsupervised visitations. She asked us to meet her and dicuss the visitation situation with her. So we did and all hades broke loose! She refused to compromise and starting jumping all over my husband about being a sorry father. And as his wife, I began to speak up and stand up for him, and then she got an attitude with me and told me that I had no part in this and that it was strictly between her and him. Since that night, things between her and us have been hot-tempered! She's now asking my husband to sign away his rights to the child. And my husband and I are wondering if maybe it might be the best option for everyone. She's depriving him of his paternal rights, and the system has failed us in protecting his rights as the father of this child. We don't have the money to afford a private attorney, and no one else will help us! Furthermore, it will always be a battle between her and us, even if we hired an attorney. She's very immature and listens to everyone else instead of relying on her own judgement. Her sister, mother, and 2 best friends are complete troublemakers and are totally against us. They are constantly telling lies about us to this woman, and she believes every word of it. So things are always going to be like this, and we feel it might be best to just sign away our rights than to have this child grow up in the middle of a battlefield! That's not fair to him, and it's not fair to us either. But some advice would be very much appreciated because this is a very big decision. My husband wants my advice and wants us to make this decision together and to do the right thing. But sometimes the right thing to do isn't always easy to figure out. What do you think we should do? There are times when it is best for the child if a parent gives up their parental rights; in this case, from what you’ve described, it sounds like it would be best NOT to give up that right. You think she trashes you and your husband now; wait and see what she will say about the two of you if parental rights are terminated! Although it is very difficult to deal with her, I urge you and your husband to push forward. It really stinks that this woman is controlling and immature; but those are her issues. You and your husband need to stay strong, make a resolution with each other to not allow her to ‘push buttons.’ When she says or does something rude/inappropriate, do not acknowledge it. That is what she wants you to do; she wants and craves chaos. She ‘needs’ it, because she loves to be a ‘victim.’ the more chaos and drama she can create in her life, the more ‘victim’ status she receives from her friends and relatives- sick! Don’t allow this woman to take away a relationship with that precious child. I urge you to be supportive of your husband’s visits with his child. I know this must be very difficult, maybe some of the most difficult stuff that you’ll ever go through within this marriage, but consider it an opportunity to grow together, to become stronger as a couple. Are there ever any times when this woman is rational and calm? Have you ever seen her in a good mood, seemingly happy? It sounds like she lives a miserable life. She wants to blame her misery on everyone and anyone else; she won’t take personal responsibility for anything. She isn’t going to somehow magically change, that means that you and your husband need to find a way to be at peace with this fact: this is a person that you will be dealing with forever. I wish you the best! |
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April 20, 2008, 2:05 pm PDT
Quote From: eternal_love I've posted my story up before, but unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worse. Here's the situation. My husband and I got married last month; we've been together a little over a year now. When I first met him, his ex-girlfriend was three months pregnant with his child. He had initially wanted the two of them to stay together despite the problems they'd had in their relationship, but she ended up leaving him. Then when he met me, we both knew that things had happened for a reason and that we were meant to be together. I was accepting of the situation with his ex and the child that was soon to be my stepson. And fortunately his ex-girlfriend seemed to be pretty accepting of me and was okay with me being a part of the child's life. But since the baby was born, she's been pretty controlling. She won't allow my husband to have unsupervised visitation with his son...she ALWAYS has to be present. She won't even drop the baby off at my husband's mother's house so that he can spend some one-on-one time with the child. She also seems to want the visitations to be on her terms...when it's good for her. And everytime we have to cancel a visitation because it wasn't a good time for us, she gets furious and begins accusing my husband of being a dead-beat dad. She even posted a blog on the Internet about how my husband is a dead-beat father! She claims we don't spend enough time with the child, and I admit that the past couple of months we haven't made as much effort to see him. But the reason for that is because we feel there's no point because we never get a chance to bond with him. She always there watching our every move, and further more she rights down everything we do and say and exactly how long we're there, and then she'll turn that information over to the office of child support enforcement. How is a father and stepmother supposed to bond with a child during visitations like this? My husband pays child support and deserves the right to have UNSUPERVISED visitations with his son. We don't have the money to afford an attorney; we just recently were forced into filing chapter 7 bankruptcy. We tried talking to the office of child support enforcment to receive some advice but they could care less if she's depriving my husband of his rights. They told us they were only concerned with cases involving child support.
Finally we tried to compromise with her on the visitations so that we might could have some unsupervised visitations. She asked us to meet her and dicuss the visitation situation with her. So we did and all hades broke loose! She refused to compromise and starting jumping all over my husband about being a sorry father. And as his wife, I began to speak up and stand up for him, and then she got an attitude with me and told me that I had no part in this and that it was strictly between her and him. Since that night, things between her and us have been hot-tempered! She's now asking my husband to sign away his rights to the child. And my husband and I are wondering if maybe it might be the best option for everyone. She's depriving him of his paternal rights, and the system has failed us in protecting his rights as the father of this child. We don't have the money to afford a private attorney, and no one else will help us! Furthermore, it will always be a battle between her and us, even if we hired an attorney. She's very immature and listens to everyone else instead of relying on her own judgement. Her sister, mother, and 2 best friends are complete troublemakers and are totally against us. They are constantly telling lies about us to this woman, and she believes every word of it. So things are always going to be like this, and we feel it might be best to just sign away our rights than to have this child grow up in the middle of a battlefield! That's not fair to him, and it's not fair to us either. But some advice would be very much appreciated because this is a very big decision. My husband wants my advice and wants us to make this decision together and to do the right thing. But sometimes the right thing to do isn't always easy to figure out. What do you think we should do? You arrived on the scene when the ex was 3 months pregnant. In the past year she has gone from having a supportive, though reluctant partner, to having to cope with a bankcrupt who expects her to reorganise her schedule at the drop of a hat to accommodate child visitation with an unknown new wife who it is clear will make sure she has large say in everything.
Speaking personally it was two years after having each of my children that I was on an even keel again and until you have a child it is impossible to explain how you have to train yourself out of being over-protective when they are very small and with other people.
I also think you are expecting a lot in terms of bonding with a 6 month old. Again speaking personally very young babies are extremely selfish creatures who have to learn that responding to attention gets them great rewards.
Your husband has a duty to make paying child support and turning up for visitation barring sudden emergencies the priority in his life. It's about time he made some allowances for the difficulties involved in being alone during the later stages of pregnancy and starting motherhood as a single parent. If he walks you have to question whether he's ready for marriage to anyone, even you. |
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