Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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April 21, 2008, 4:32 am PDT
 Quote From: eternal_love Well first of all, she was the one who chose to leave the relationship. He was never reluctant to be there for her. He was very supportive until she walked out on him.
Secondly, we're not the ones asking her to reorganize her schedule for us...it's exactly the opposite! She only wants visitations on her terms and when it's good for her. That's why my husband and I tried to compromise with her on the times and set up certain times during the week that EVERYONE could agree on. That way, no one would have to work around anyone else's schedules. But she didn't want to compromise; she wanted it to be HER way!
Also, there may not be a lot of bonding at 6 months of age. But as the father, my husband IS entitled to spend quality time with his son without his every move being watched like he is some criminal!
And the only time we ever backed out on visitations is when one of us got sick because we didn't want a small infant to catch the crud we had. Every other time she called us to visit, we were there. And we worked around her schedule in order to avoid conflict. I think you're forgetting that she chose to be alone during the later stages of pregnancy and during the course of motherhood. She made the decision to leave a very supportive man who intended be there for her despite the troubles they were having in their relationship. She made this decision and therefore it is not in any way my husband's fault, and nor she he have to pay for it. The child support he is paying this woman is to support that child he helped to create; he does not owe her a thing. I can't believe how you are trying to make her a victim. In the words of Dr Phil, "If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences." She chose to leave my husband who had every intention of being there for her, thus she chose to bear the difficulties of being alone during the course of her pregnancy. She is too busy dealing with fluctuating hormones and a baby to sort out a regular visiting schedule and if she did it would be thrown out by a doctor's appointment or going shopping to get things she forgot earlier or oversleeping because the baby kept her up at night. Yes some women manage to get the baby into a settled routine; others, like myself, couldn't manage it to save our lives.
She's not a victim. She's just not got the time, the energy and the inclination to deal with the baby's father and you on anything but her terms at the moment. If she had a planned pregnancy your husband's behaviour since she left him has got to raise questions. They live together, decide to have a baby despite problems. She leaves him and within a year he's married instead of co-habiting and has gone bankcrupt.
As far as being watched like a criminal is concerned what does your husband know about babies and has he told her what his experience is? Has he shown her that he can change a nappy? Does he support the baby's head when he picks him up? If the baby is now bottle fed could he sterilise and fill one? Has he bothered to read whatever book she believes has got the answers or talked to her about her preferred methods of doing things?
Dr Phil that applies to you too. You chose to marry a man who hadn't worked out the details of his on-going relationship with his ex and his child. You chose to visit as stepmother rather than let your husband and his ex work out how they were going to co-parent on their own. They have unfinished business and difficult negotiations to get through - if I were the ex I'd prefer those negotiations to be done without your third party, partisan presence. |
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