Replies to '04/24 A Boy in Trouble'
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April 22, 2008, 2:57 pm PDT
 Quote From: kryzty When I began to writing this I never intended for it to be so long winded. I guess I felt as though it was important for me to make these points. I am somewhat of an expert on the subject because i am a victim & a survivor. It is a topic that I feel very strongly about. I am happy that finally sexual abuse is a more frequently discussed topic and people will be informed & believe how wide spread it is. I hope that at least one person reads this and takes something with them. There are several things I have touched on i felt were important for people to know or help them to understand. It may be long but maybe it help someone. I pray so. Let me first say kudos for Dr. Phil & others for approaching a topic that for centuries was taboo. Sexual abuse of our children has been going on since the beginning of time. A dirty secret that was just that A SECRET! And it is still a very big secret. Not only is it a secret but a very shameful secret of everyone involved. Those of you who feel the need to call these moms monsters do not have the slightest clue to make these cruel accusations!! I say this because i DO have some clue. I am that survivor or victim depending on the day. I was in second grade the first time my uncle decided to show his favorite niece just how much he loved her. There were a handful of times after that. Honestly the actual act itself was not nearly as emotionally painful as the other events that came with it. Such as my uncle bragging to his best friend what had happened the previous night. His friend thought it was so great that he pinned me to the bed insisting that I admit it, while horrified I adamantly denied his claims until I surrendered. all the while my uncle sat there laughing. How about when 10 years later I confessed to my brother. It wasn't even so much that he didn't believe me, but he brought my uncle to a place where I hung out with all my friends and screamed as loud as he could " You are a lying bitch & he never F*@#ed you!!!" while my uncle smiled. I told no one for a very long time. Ask me WHY!! I have no simple answers. To begin with I loved my uncle very much. My mother & I were very close so it wasn't that I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I knew without a doubt she would of have killed him. I told her when I was 13 after my best friend told me she could not spend the night because her mom was sending to her sister's since she walked in on her husband having sex with my best friend. HYSTERICAL I called my mom at work and told her everything. Did we call the authorities? NO. It was my choice not to because I did not want my grandma to know. What if she didn't believe me?? I DID NOT want my father to know. Same reason as before but the biggest reason i did not tell my Dad what his brother did to me was to protect my mom. My Dad was very bitter that my Mom divorced him & for YEARS it was totally impossible for my Dad to have a conversation with me without critically criticizing my Mom. So there was no doubt in my mind that he would blame my Mom, if he believed me at all. I told my Dad when I was 27 years old. Yes, he believed me but couldn't understand WHY I waited so long. It was a very healing conversation for both us. Were there signs to be recognized? From my own recollection I don't believe there was anything that would of slapped one in the face. Although it wasn't my father that hurt me that way, I never trusted him after I was molested. Just a hug from my Dad made me tense up. It made it hard for me to differentiate affection & sexual affection from any adult man. As for my friend- her mom was that monster! In her initial shock she had called the police. Then later told my friend to drop the charges because if her father went to jail they would have to move to the ghetto & go to a very dangerous school. So my friend did not press any charges. Come to find out he had molested her older sister also. Years later my best friend's daughter was friends with a little girl across the street. Her father did assault this child & this time he was convicted. He was only given probation. Do I think that her Mom was a monster? HELL YES!!! I can say this because I knew her parents & the details. After walking in on the actual act in progress there could be no DOUBT OR DENIAL in her mind. Especially once it was known that it happened to the oldest daughter. She was a MONSTER!! OK, so what about the older sister, She was an adult when this took place, isn't she also a monster for not protecting her sister from not only her father but her mother as well?? I don't know her reasons or the torment she wakes with every morning. Therefore I could not make a judgment with a clear conscience. I have not walked a mile in her shoes. Unless you have been personally smack dab in the middle of a similar situation DO NOT be so quick to judge these people & their actions. There is SO MUCH MORE to core of the problem that unless you have actually lived through it personally, you CAN NOT truly know all that is involved. It is just not that simple!!!!! For you "know-it-alls", don't be so naive to think that just because you have "talked" with your kids about inappropriate touching that it protects them or if it did happen they would run straight to you or the police. SORRY! it doesn't work that way!!! 1.Most children know or have a sense of what is inappropriate touching. And have a sense of shame when touched in their no-no spots. Kids don't play doctor with one another in the living room in front of family and friends. no, that exploration is done in private. 2. To protect your children you need to have an understanding that MOST of the time it is a family member that the child loves or a close family friend. Lets say it is the father. The child loves her father and would be hesitant to get her father in trouble. Nor does she want her father or her mom to be mad at her. I would imagine that it would be very difficult for a woman to believe that the man she loved & married would be capable of such a horrific act. The majority of predators don't behave like undesirable heathens. They are everyday folks in your everyday life. Children for the most part are by nature people pleaser's. They would rather keep their huge secret than to be disbelieved or create turmoil in their families. They feel, or at least I did, it is their burden to bare for the sake of the ones they love. Plus you have to consider what their predator has told them: " I won't love you anymore" or "if your mom found out she won't love you". To such extremes as " I will kill you, your family, your pet". The best thing you can do is KNOW your child. If for some reason your child starts behaving differently in the presence of an individual. Such as reluctant to be alone with this person when before they were eager to be with them. Avoids having physical contact with that person when in the past they sought physical contact. The behaviors maybe very subtle.3. Most victims of sexual abuse come from broken homes or parents that are emotionally absent. Children that don't think much of them selves and crave the attention of an adult. Most predators pick the kids that are attention starved. First they welcome the attention of an adult that seems to take a true interest them. these children are slowly seduced. Children that spend good quality time with their folks have no need to seek adult attention else where. Predators know that an emotionally secure child is not going to welcome the intense interest of a creepy adult. Plus they are more likely to tell. Take a very active interest in knowing your child. 4. BEWARE OF ADULTS that want to spend a lot of unnecessary time with your kid, whether that be your a teacher, pastor, family friend, the guy next door, especially if they don't have kids of their own. If they are going up and beyond for your child be wary. Of course a lot of these people are not predators, but a lot are. All I'm trying to say is PAY ATTENTION!!!! Don't be so grateful you have this help you so dearly needed that you get complacent. Keep watch.4. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed about what happened to me.As a child It is hard to tell anyone no matter how close you feel to a person. Even when you know it is wrong and it wasn't your fault. Sadly shame is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt as a child because the word shame does not even begin to explain how truly horrible it made me feel. It was hard enough admitting to myself much less to another.There is another aspect of this, although I have heard it mentioned, it is rarely discussed in an open forum. Children are humans that do feel sexual pleasure. It is hard for me to admit that I did feel pleasure. There were times when I was feeling the need for attention that I would seek out my uncle. And with that said, it only increased my feelings of shame and made me feel ..... I can't even put into words. I guess thats why we feel we are to blame and responsible for the acts that were done to us. Even though we know that it was not our fault. I guess knowing something and feeling it can be two different things especially when you are a child. I could go on about all the aspects of my life that this man warped. They are wide and far spreading. But I did not write this for my own therapeutic reasons. I just want others to be more supportive of the families that are going through this horrific journey. It's easy to sit on one's pedestal and scrutinize the actions of another. It is not fair to judge how a person handles a crisis like this without ever having lived through it yourself, much less not having any details of that particular case. Because you have no understanding of what hell they are enduring. May I suggest that you should take that venom you are spewing to your legislator so they will toughen the laws on pedophiles. No more slaps on the wrist!!!! I believe the laws should be just as tough on pedophiles and rapist as it is on murder. Make laws that hold the mother responsible if she refuses to take action after seeing undeniable truth. Such as my friends mom when she saw it with her own two eyes. It is a hard situation. I know that there are men that are falsely accused and convicted because of bitter vengeful women and confused hurt girls. And the ones who make false allegations do not have an inkling of how much harder they have made it for those of us that are victims. Thanks to Dr. Phil & Oprah for continuing to tell these stories on a regular basis. By doing this they are educating the public to how widespread sexual abuse is in our society, no longer can it be ignored!! Also educating people to the signs and how to prevent it. Thank you to all of you brave enough to share your stories. I KNOW their stories are very difficult to tell. I have a story of my own. And all though I share it, it is only a general account of what took place, Not the detailed description of events. even after 30 years I remember the smallest of details like it only happened a moment ago! I only have one simple thing to say...if these women knew and were aware of sexual abuse then they should be charged for it. Period. Some of these "mothers" are vicitims, some are not... |
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