Replies to 'Coping with the Death of a Child'

I am so sorry for the loss of Brandon...Thanks for your insight.  I have had a good therapist too...

I still go to the cemetary each week with flowers...

I am glad that I am not the only one that had to quit a job...it was so hard to understand the lack of support.  I wanted to go back part time one month and then full time the next...but no overtime...They would not let me come back without working overtime...and  if I was not back by October 1st...I was basically terminated...  what a choice.  (Jason died May 19th). 

I am so sorry your church deserted you..I really don't think people understand the depth of our pain or how to be there for us.  I really appreciate the internet and being to talk with others that have dealt with this pain.

Hugs,

Pam

I lost my son Patrick. he was 18.   On September 23. 2006, he drove my car into a gas station at 1:43 am .  He was traveling in excess of 100 mph through a red light,  as he steerd twards the gas station he hit a bump in the road  that sent him airborn clipping a wall and launching him into the awnings that guided him along the gas station rather than into the pumps you think it was luck the usually busy station was empty and there were no other injuries.   He died instantly.

I had quit my job in 2003 to deal with my son who had mental, drug and alcohol problems.  I took him to therapy, to school and work encouraged him as parents do.  For everything he did well he did twice as much to sabotage what he did. He loved to piss me off to no end.   Things were going well with Pat and I took a full time job.  3 months later I had to call into work.  I took 10 days off for the funeral and went back to work.  For  the next 3 months I drove by the accident scene on my way to work and continued to work as my manager begged me to take a personal leave of absence.  I felt bad at work but far worse home alone.  They fired me due to failure of performance.  It took me a year to think about going to work again.  Now I am back at the family business working when I want.

Patrick's death was ruled an accident. 

That night,  I let him take my car camping with his 12 year old brother and friend, because I just got off work on a Friday night  and our daughter's 16th birthday, I was tired and had a busy weekend to plan.  I asked him if my car would be safe,  I told  him that I needed it back by 9am so I could get his sister to get her hair done in the morning for Home Coming Dance Saturday night.  He set his alarm on his phone and was excited that I was trusting him with my car overnight.  I kissed him good by and told him I loved him.  

We were awaken at 7 am by the Sheriff who was at the wrong house stating they'd be here shortly.  My husband was bitching and pasing back and forth what has that kid none now.  I tried to calm him and thought the probably got caught camping without a permit or something stupid.  When the officer came to the house my sister went outside to greet the officer she came back in and cried don't go out there.  He's dead, they don't know where Ricky is....What?!?!?! now the girls are up every one is completely freaking out and My husband is just finding out that Ricky was with them.  Rick comes out of his room and is confused to what is going on.    My husband crying hysterically...I looked at him and said.  "It is not that we did not expect this day to come...I will take care of this" then I went outside to speak to the officer I was calm but in shock. He gave me a paper bag with Pat's wallet and phone told me what happened, where they took him and had given me a paper  with the towing company and medical examiner.   Then he was gone.  I walked to my mother's house and gave her the news.  called the insurance company, I called the friend he was with the night before to give the news....I called my brother inlaw and asked him to bring over my nephew over and told him what happened.  he picked me up at my mothers and  took me to the scene of the accident.  I they were still cleaning up concreate and glass and I walked the the 500 feet of distruction it hit me he was gone and I broke down and cried for the first time that morning.  As my brother in law took home I gathered my strength and composure and decided that there was nothing I could do about Pat and went on with my weekend plans.  I convinced my daughter to go to the dance and took her and my nephew to meet my cousin to have Rachaels hair done.  That night I could not sleep until Rachael was at home safe in her bed.  I can't believe I made her go out.  I don't know if it was the right thing to do.

As the days went by, I found out from his brother Pat wrecked the car showing off drifting.  He broke a tail light and got the car stuck on a tree stump.   He got depresssed and one of his friends gave him some extacy.  Later that night my sun roof was broken by some of the teens partying. then he got in a fight with someone who was having sex with the girl he liked.  Drunk and stoned he drove his brother home.  Changed his shirt. Got back in the car and killed himself. 

I relive that story every day.  I cry then I get angry with him for being stupid.  So the car was wrecked.  I'd get mad than over it.  How do we get over his death?  we don't.  We Love our family and go on with our lives take care of the children we have left at home and try to remember the times God gave us with our child and hope he watching over us.