Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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May 1, 2008, 8:11 am PDT
 Quote From: a_n_other The situation may be exactly as you describe or it may be a good deal milder. Those children could say anything, or misinterpret something in either household and their word would be taken as gospel because the necessary business-like communication between your households isn't in place.
Speaking as a shouter myself sometimes it is the only way to get a word in edgeways. If you've attempted to have your say 5 or 6 times in calm voice and been cut off, patronised and dismissed by someone who is so full of their perceptions and preconceptions they can't listen to a few pertinent facts about how the situation has recently changed it lets you at least get the words out. The I'll speak to you when you are calmer ploy never works on me either. I see it as a ploy to avoid difficult topics which would be better aired particularly when its used by people who I know will never be willing to listen to me but expect me to drop everything at a moment's notice for their convienience.
You don't say what your circumstances are but if you haven't children of your own and your husband isn't spending some of his weekends sorting out shoes and clothing, paying subs for hobbies, buying presents for friend's and writing out cheques for school trips you may not realise how important 10% of the child support is in some households or how ridiculously low some child support payments are set. . The cumulative effect of losing that, coupled with the effect of the other parent NOT picking up an extra 10% of the unpredictable expenses could mean the loss of a house after some time.
Could I suggest your husband and his ex-wife set up Yahoo email accounts they use only for corresponding with each other. Then all they have to do is make a call saying there's an email waiting whenever there is something difficult to discuss. It also occurs to me that if your husband gave up some of the summer in return for more weekends/ week time during the year the 60/40 split could be maintained but the children would have more regular contact with their father.
The one thing you are correct on is: communication between the households are not in place. His ex-wife is not interested in having communcation- she would rather scream. Children could say anything and we listen. We don't always act on it- but we do listen to their fears and concerns as well as the wonderful and ordinary things in their life.
I have three children - they are adults, except one who is still at home - a senior in highschool, so he's "nearly" grown. While raising my children, as well as the present, I felt and feel fortunate to have a great relationship with all three- my ex- husband and I didn't fight or argue (over our kids-we always basically wanted and did what was in the best interest of THEM) and because our divorce had nothing to do with our kids- we kept our problems or bad attitudes between us- because we made a decision to love and care MORE about our kids than hate each other.
My children are either in college or close to it, doing very well in life, and I am very honored and proud of the people they have become. I didn't have a bit of 'real' trouble with them; (smoking, sneaking out, drinking, teen pregnancy, etc). I always felt it was my responsibility to keep them safe, healthy, and to do what I could to help them grow into outstanding citizens. I didn't 'need' to yell or scream at them- I listened to them and respected them- in return they listened and respected me. In fact, rather did scream, I did just the opposite- I would speak in a more quiet voice- rather than 'tune me out' they had to focus on listening.... with my step children- I have not nor do I feel any need to yell or scream. They are smart and good kids, and I certainly can't speak for their other house hold, but they behave with good manners here, but they are kids and do kid things, just the same, I would assume they do and act pretty much the same- if given the opportunity, at their other home too. Anyway, I believe there are better ways... and that is not to teach them to treat my future grandkids (or anyone for that matter) that screaming, inibiting and forcing is ok. But... that's just me. To each their own.
I know exactly what it costs to raise children. I did it without child support from their father- we shared our children 50/50 and we each supported them- we talked and agreed on 'extra's'. My husband doesn't pay ridiculously low child support (I personally do not consider nearly $20,000 per year low anyway- not including INS that cost HIM, and half of extras- like dance class, violin, braces or baseball- that he readily pays half of everything for- because he chooses too!). In fact, with her child support- she makes more than my husband. She is a business professional (as we all are) and does very well- but her high maintenence habits and irresponsible spending habits are starting to shine. Her champaigne and caviar budget is what will force her to lose her home- not my husband and certainly not their children!
FYI: he has his kids all summer (and yet continues to pay child support) and every weekend (except the first weekend of each month) during the school year.... he would LOVE to have them every other week- but this would not free up her free time. |
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