Replies to 'We Disagree On Punishment'

mustbecrazy

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May 1, 2008, 10:35 am PDT

sitter problems

Quote From: crockett3663

Recently we've been having major disciplinary problems with our 9 year old son. For the second time in two weeks, he's gotten in major trouble at the home of our private sitter. Last week he threw a valuable toy at another child, nearly hitting him and destroying the toy. The same day, he overheard our sitter and my wife discussing a serious health issue of the sitter's daughter, and immediately ran to the little girl and told her she was going to die!!

Today I find out that he insulted a kid in the sitter's neighborhood as he walked by the sitter's house. He knows this boy from school and has had run-ins with him in the past.

Our sitter is very close to ending our child care arrangement because of all of this. To make matters worse, my wife and I disagree on punishment. I say it's OK to spank him when he behaves like this, even though at 9 years old it may seem to some that he is too old. My wife is pretty much dead set against any form of physical punishment. Not surprisingly, I was raised in a home with a strict father who did spank on occasion. On the other hand, my wife can literally count on one hand the number of times that her parents spanked her.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm so angry and upset with my son right now that I could scream. I want so badly to spank him to get my point across, but I know that will just cause more division between my wife and I. What can I do to get through to my son the severity of his recent actions, as well as discipline him? And how do I handle things with my wife?

How much supervision does your son get at the sitter's house? What kind of consequences does he have when he is there? He is YOUR son, but when he is at the sitter's house, you have NO control over his actions. It is up to the sitter to provide proper supervision...leave kids alone, and they will get into trouble...kids are good at that. Kids need IMMEDIATE consequences...spanking him, or otherwise applying discipline at the end of the day really does NOTHING for the immediate situation at your sitter's house. He needs to have immediate feedback and consequences...time-outs are still effective at age 9, as long as they are enforced.

How long has this behavior been going on? Have you ever considered discussing it with a counselor? A counselor can be very helpful in offering suggestions for you and your babysitter.

Age 9 is pretty old for spanking...you would have to hit him pretty hard to "get your point across"...and that borders on abuse...spanking is more for the toddler who is about to do something dangerous, or about to break something...a slap on the hand or butt...

You can inflict consequences at home for behavior at the babysitter's house...for the broken toy, he might have to do work to earn money to pay for the broken toy...

You are not there to inflict immediate consequences at the sitter's house, but there is something you can do at home...be sure that your son is receiving plenty of positive attention at home...AND start a behavior chart...add a star every day to the chart for reports of good behavior...have a reward he can earn after earning so many stars...reward him that day with something like computer or video game time...if there is a bad report, no video time that day...we use computer time as the "cookie" for our kids...when their homework and chores are done, they can have an hour on the computer.

Is your son involved in any extra-curricular activities? Scouts? Sports? Give him something to look forward to and be committed to...something that he can do with a parent...our boys have been involved in Scouts since 1st grade...it's really a good program...and a way for parents to touch bases...you might find that mis-behavior isn't so uncommon...kids push their limits all the time...they need somebody at the reins to keep them in line.

I hope some of this is helpful...I'm pretty long-winded...our kids mis-behave, but there are always immediate consequences...and we feel like broken records at times...they don't seem to learn on the first time around...but that's part of being a kid...

You and your wife really do need to discuss the discipline policy in your house...who is the "boss"? You and your wife are in charge...no negotiating on that...be consistent on whatever you decide...kids need to know what to expect when they behave and mis-behave...I think that having to "earn" the good things is a good way to start...it puts a more positive spin than to "take away" something for bad behavior. Again, a counselor might be able to give you some suggestions for your individual situation...