Replies to 'Co-Parenting'

I can really relate!  Split since 1996 after 12 years together, divorced in 1997 - our son born in 1994.  Ex gets girlfriend  when our son is almost four.  They marry in 1999.  She seemed like a good addition at first.  Until she started "protecting" my ex-husband from his ex-wife.   

In the past, I made the decisions regarding the care and raising of our son (my ex let me "handle" the decisions).  Now she was on the scene and had to prove her worth and started to challenge the choices, the agreements, brought in lawyers (repeatedly) and generally attempted to wreak havoc on my life and position as my son's mother in our lives, the school and community at large.  SHE set the play dates,  and threw the parties for the entire school - I was the ONLY person at the school not invited to these functions, even when my son would ask me "why don't you come to the parties, Mommy?" - she would have an answer for him about privacy.  She needed for all the world to see what a happy "family" they had and attempted to "erase" me.  No children of her own.  No idea how much she violates my boundaries as a step parent, I have since made it clear how much it bothers me to see her coming and going at school during my weeks and she doesn't care if she's violating the boundaries and stepping on my toes.  It's not like she's filling a void, I am an active, participating, involved Mom in our son's life!  She just has NO life.  She volunteers so much at my son's schools - since kindergarten -  (she hasn't worked most of the time, I have) that I started being introduced as "his real mom".  My ex abdicated the parenting decisions and responsibilities to her long ago.  Our son even says "she's the strictest parent he has (and he DOES resent that)".  My son sees a therapist to deal with these issues.  He knows that his dad has ALLOWED her to take over the responsibilities of being "the parent' in their house.  She behaves as though he is her child.    Our son is 11 now.    

Most of these years, I played nice when it came to parenting.   When our son was around,  I took the high road.  I tried to cooperate and pretend like it didn't hurt.  Until they went on a 5 week vacation and I lost touch with our son for 11 days - I was frantic and unable to reach them by cell or pager .  I had "trusted" my ex again and didn't have their itinerary as they said I'd be able to reach them on the cell.  I had to go to our son's school to find her family's emergency numbers in order to track them down.  Then, our son could only call me at 4:00 am (7:00 EST) because that's when she told him to call - the only time I'd be certain to be home to accept the collect calls.  After that, I was done playing nice and cooperative. 

It made me sad to hear on Dr. Phils show this week that "papers don't parent, parents do".  I wish that were true.  I have had to resort to the black and white letters on the page and nothing else to prevent any more problems.  I wish that my son had more say in where he spent his time and didn't feel like some court ordered him to be at one home or the other.  I had once hoped that we'd be able to have a more fluid agreement and that we'd be more comfortable in the divorce.  But it's just gotten worse every year.   

She's got what she's worked hard to achieve.  My ex and I don't speak, we fax.  And lately, I had to cut that off...because she'd the one who composes the letters and when I got a 22 page fax, I said that was abusive and cut that off.  They can call if they want, or mail me.  They don't share their email address with me.  She is guaranteed to value to my ex, because she's gotten rid of everyone else...slowly but surely.   He needs to endure it all because he can't afford to divorce her, even if he wanted to...and my son is paying the price.   He has to lie to her and tell her that they are having "father/son time" in order to allow my son to do things that we both as parents would normally allow him to do, but SHE would not! 

I pray daily that God will direct me and my ex in the best way to raise our son.  That maybe something will happen to change that environment.  In some ways, I've seen small changes that I've asked for and been addressing with them and have asked for God's help to change.  So, I know that there's been some relief and I have faith that we're not alone in this challenge and that we will be guided in the right direction. 

As angry as I get at times, I am thankful that there is no physical abuse.  That neither of them is doing drugs or drinking to excess while he's with them.  And that somehow through all of this, we've managed to raise a smart, loving boy.    

He's getting to pre-adolescence and I expect that it's going to get more interesting as his voice gets stronger - he definitely has an opinion and will eventually share it with them and me.  His dad and I alternate weeks for the 50/50 custody.  I know the day is coming when our little Leo will roar and let them know what he thinks of it all.  I only hope that there is no negative repercussion to him as a result.    

Dr. Phil:  we need a show devoted to showing what successful co-parenting looks like and one that has rules to guide step-parents in what level of involvement they should have in the children's lives.  Maybe you can address the "fathers of convenience" who allow the step moms to take over...it amazes me to see how impotent they look sitting next to these controlling women!  Like that man you had on the show this week that was married to "Kimmie"!   

Too bad it takes thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy and lawyers fees to get through these divorces...if we had all that money in a savings account , our kids could go to the best colleges and have great lives! 

Here's to the parents in this world who are trying to raise good kids in spite of all our self-imposed difficulties!!!  We picked them at first, didn't we?  May we all make it to our children's adulthood in one piece!!! 

Not all new wives try to do this.  I am assuming that your ex has remarried, so I want to ask a simple question, not to be considered as confrontational at all.  I would like to know why you think that the new spouses are trying to take over?  And with your explanation of taking over, how would you want the new wife to treat your child when they are visiting with their dad?  I am seriously asking this question because I am baffled with the situation that I am living in.  I have not tried taking over, but I have made them a part of my house because they are my husband's children and my son's sisters.  I love them dearly and want the best for them just like anyone else in their lives.  So I am now trying to figure out why now his ex hates me AGAIN and I just don't understand.  I have been trying to and this is why I am on this message board so that maybe I can gain some insight to this situation and know how to handle it differently.  Please help... 

Kris