Replies to '05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?'
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May 8, 2008, 11:27 am PDT
 Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I was in a situation much like this but my husband was cheating on me----I was in denial for nine long months. I have one daughter who was 11 at the time and it did affect her, and still does---she is now 22 years old. Maybe it will work out with Greg--maybe not--but it does affect the children for the rest of their lives. Her husband seems like a level headed man but we don't live with him---perhaps his lack of attention and affection drove her away---to her friends husband-----------SHAME ON YOU SHANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are paths you don't cross in life and that's one of them. |
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May 8, 2008, 12:45 pm PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I was in a similar situation 16 years ago, and truly wish i would have handled everything differently. My children were 14 and 17 at the time (now 34 and 31) and for Shani's "boyfriend" to think their situation would not affect her children permanently is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. My daughter and son and I have a wonderful and very close relationship, but it did affect them then and still does even though they are adults now.......the old situation can rear it's ugly head now and then. I don't believe I would still be married to my first husband; and I do regret the affair I had and what it did to my children.
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May 8, 2008, 9:17 pm PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I have been in a similar marriage for 18 years. My husband, my friend, always makes it clear that he does not want to talk, he is to busy, a workahaulic and basically to tired to listen or enjoy life with me. I took the high road that I was supposed to. We have always been in counseling. In the end, he did not improve much, he goes through good stages after a counseling session, but then he just goes back to ignoring the entire family. Except my son of course, he can't ignore his son. I think I made a mistake by staying married. I tried to do it the right way for my kids, but it ended up hurting my daughter by staying with him. What did I teach them. For years my husband never gave the girls attention, he always cut down my oldest daughter. She was never good enough for him. Needless to say, as a teenager she sought out the wrong guys attention and ended up hurting her spirit by abusing herself. I begged him for years to leave her alone and give her positive attention. He is finally doing it now that she has made some really bad choices and let a man abuse her emotionally. He finally caught on! Thanks dad! A little to late isn't it? |
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May 9, 2008, 8:33 am PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I agree with the statement "It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself".
Watching the show yesterday and looking at Shani up there crying I felt like I was looking at myself!!!! I understood everything she was saying. Dr. Phil is a very smart man but he will never know what it feels like to be a woman. I have been in and am still in the same situation. Nine years ago I had an affair because my marriage was miserable. But because we have 2 kids, I decided to end the affair and we have remained married for the sake of the kids. Dr. Phil, I love my husband again but I will never, ever be in love with him again because of all of the hurt that we have been through (his and mine). Sometimes a marriage is beyond repair. I believe that this is where Shani's marriage is, and mine also. By the time her husband (and mine) became interested in trying to save things, we had already given up. I could see without a doubt that Shani has already given up on their marriage. I totally understand that and know that there is nothing you can do now to save it. In my situation, I don't know if staying married for the sake of the kids is the right thing to do, it's okay for the kids but what about me? My life is on hold for another 8 years until my kids graduate high school - then maybe I will leave. I don't support an affair but I do support Shani in leaving her marriage. |
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May 9, 2008, 11:06 am PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I think alot of women have been in your shoes and have not chosen an affair (especially with your friend's husband!) That is an extremely selfish solution because everyone else (CHILDREN, SPOUSE, friends, extended family) are all affected by YOUR decision to want to get some attention. Children definately know when mom/dad are not around like they used to be. While you are out having fun with the person who makes you feel good, your spouse and children are home wishing they could see mom and ultimately their life is turned upside down! Marriage seminars, books, counseling etc would not only help you and your spouse but also your children. I promise everyone has their own problems in a marriage but I think that it is how you choose to "solve" your problems that can either help you grow as a couple or destroy everything. |
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May 15, 2008, 1:25 pm PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. People shouldn't be too quick to judge Shani. People get lost and make mistakes. We are all guilty of it. I myself was involved with someone else while I was married. Luckily there were no kids involved. I was in a very unhappy marriage. I actually had 2 seperate affairs. One with a long time friend- that was a one time thing. The other was with a man that I had befreinded due to the problems with my husband and it continued for a few months. I went to counseling with my husband while I continued the affiar. (he knew nothing of it) Obviously the counseling didn't work because I wasn't all there, part of me was with my boyfriend. Well, instead of giving up the boyfriend I gave up the marriage. I filed for divorce and about a month after I filed I stopped seeing my boyfriend and met someone else. I continued to date this new man through my divorce and for several month afterwards. Let me tell you though, when that relationship ended I was devastated. At the time I thought the new boyfriend was my world. After having some distance from the break-up I realized that I wasn't devastated about the breakup I was devastated by the end of my marriage, the fact that I had an affair and a person I had grown to count one wasn't there any more. All the emotions from the marriage, the affair and the new boyfriend came crumbling down around me. I was very lost. And that is what happens if you just jump from one relationship to the next without dealing with the emotions and reasons why the relationship failed.
This was over 11 years ago. Since then I have remarried and have 2 beautfiul children and a healthy relationship with my husband/best friend.
Shani, owes it to herself, to deal with her issues with her husband. Find out what happened, find out if she really is out of love with him or if the newness of the new man is clouding her judgment. Whether she sees it or not, those of us who have been there know that the cloudiness is there. If she doesn't take Dr. Phil's advice and deal with everything to some type of resolution and then go from there her whole world could come crashing down around her and she has children who need her. |
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May 16, 2008, 6:26 pm PDT
Quote From: fisherbabe I was in a similar situation and my husband would not give me the time of day. It got to the point where I felt that the only way out of the relationship was to start a new one, and I started an email affair with a man at the other end of the country (I live in NZ). My husband found out and wanted to get back together. I do love my husband very much and we went to counselling to sort out the problem, however it was to sort out my problems, and once we started focusing on his problems, he decided that we could no longer afford the counselling sessions.
We are now at a stage, where we are just about back at the start, because he does not listen to me. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about how I really feel, and when I do, he sees it as a personal attack against him. I admit I am not good with words, and better at writing things out.
I do understand where Shani is coming from - if you feel that your husband does not love you or is not interested in you, you will go out to find love, even if it is with your best friends husband. It is not ideal, but when you think that your world is crashing in around you and no one cares, a single lifeline, a shoulder to cry on, a laugh at the end of an email, is all it will take to make have a lifeline to cling to so that you can get out of your relationship and still have love at the end. It doesn't work, I have spent my entire life ending relationships this way. It is only now I realise this, and honesty with myself and my husband is the best way to deal with this.
It is easier to judge someone when you haven't been in that situation yourself. I , too, was in a marriage where my husband had no interest in me as a person. I divorced him, but not over another man. I did not get involved with another man until after I left my husband.
BUT..the children are the greatest concern here. The children are ALWAYS, by far, the greatest victims of broken marriages and no matter how hard it is to leave your boyfriend out of the picture, Shani, you need to make your mind up about your home space first. Your children need to feel secure.
I can see that your husband is only interested in punishing you. His anger overcomes him and the only way he can continue to punish you is to keep you in his home. I hope you can see that. BUT when you go, and I believe you will, always tell your children that the mistake was not in the divorce but in the choosing of a mates.. LAY NO BLAME! ALWAYS make your decision a positive thing in thier eyes....AND in yours!.Don't use their Father as a tool in the divorce... make sure they see their father as often as possible if they wish to do so.
A broken family is never a good thing, but the divorce is not the breaking point..............a divorce is the RESULT of something already been broken.
I was divorced from my husband for 1 1/2 years but I saw that my three children were being broken and my husband and I decided to re-marry and give to our children a structured and loving home ... the responsibility was ours!
We did not have a good husband-wife relationship for the twenty years we were married the second time because we could not +go back+... but we were happy because our children were happy . We divorced again after our children were all out on their own. Now we are all a happy and content family with no negatives! My husband is now married to a wonderful woman and I live in another state, single and very happy...........we all visit and have a wonderful family because we know we did the best we could for our children...there-fore the best for us as loving and responsible parents.
THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN>>>>they come first!!!!!!!! |
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