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Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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May 8, 2008, 12:47 am PDT
 Quote From: doridoridori Hi Again, sorry I have so much more to say but got interupted by a phone call so let me say that I have another big thing coming up and I am unsure of what I should do but let me tell you what I have said I am going to do. My daughter is turning 16 and I do not want to have anything at my house so I thought I would just go out to a resteraunt where it is neutral grounds for everyone and that way I would not feel so unconfortable in my own house if the other side comes? I have told my husband that I would like to do it this way. I did not say to him they were invited but do you think that is a good idea? They all did end up coming to the church for my daughters Confirmation after they said they were not even going to do that but my husband told them they would be disrespecting him and my daughter if they did not do that. So they all did show up... I was very nervous but made it threw it. I just walked by them all and went outside while my daughter and husband stopped and talked to them all. It just really hurts me so much to think this is how it is. I just dont get it? Why blame only me for what took place that night? I was not the only one who was involved. I only did what I had to when I was attacked and they all stopped talking to me.? Like I have said it is not the first time I took the fall for things. We had a huge fight a couple years ago and we all did not talk for over a year including my husband and them.. only if they had too.. I told them all off then though. Believe me they deserved it.. they were treating my husband and my children and myself of course horrible over a fight that took place between my brother in law and my husband wich started out between us and my brother in laws girlfriend at the time. It got so blown out it was rediculous.. It took me a very long time to get over that one and to be honest I have never really gotten over it, but did it for my husband but now this and I just can not do it anymore. .. This is what I get I guess. They are so small minded and to boot they dont even know what took place apperently? Meaning my brother in laws and sister in law.. they were not here when it all went down. I guess I am just hurt because I wrote them a huge letter apologizing for what took place and that I was so very sorry and never got a response from anyone of them and not even a call to say how are you doing is there anything we can do to help? Nothing and that just is not right to me.. Wouldnt you think that you would reach out to a family memeber going threw all this.. I told them that things had been so bad here for so long it just was aweful and the stress of everything we had gone threw was just taking over my life and I could not deal with it all anymore and everthing just blew up over time and they just shut me out.. What is that? We have had a lot to deal with over the last couple of years and they know this and they still choose to not understand? I understand there mother got hurt that night but so did I so did my daughter so did my husband but I got the blunt of it and took the fall I could of had my husband arrested if I really wanted to that night. He attacked me. I only did what I had too. Yes I put my hands on his mother but that was to get her out of my house.. not to hurt her. I dont know? I just have so many Whys? Anyway get back when you can and I will talk soon..
Hi,
I was so glad to hear from you. I have been wondering how all this is affecting you. You are doing great realizing that you don't deserve this, because you don't. You deserve better, and from now on, expect better. May I make a suggestion? When you have to see them, do acknowlege them. A simple "Hello. How are you?" with a smile goes a long way. When you were at the church, and walked out while your husband and daughter talked to them doesn't really hurt them as much as it hurts you. They get what they want by your absence and you should stand with your husband when he's talking to them. He should have made sure you stood beside him, as that signifies a united front. That shows them that no matter what they say or do, it will not come between you and your husband. I understand about the anger and frustration. I still get angry at things here and there, but I don't show it. I find something else to take my mind off of it, and then, after a while, I'm ok, and I know that I did the right thing for me. Because, I am determined not to live my life like that and not let them or anybody else bring me down. As far as the party at the restaurant goes, I think that is a lovely idea. Invite them and be nice. If they try to engage you in a heated discussion, excuse yourself to the restroom, come back and start on a different subject. Or, "I'm sorry. I'd rather not talk about that right now." Or, "You're asking (or telling) me this, why?", which puts the ball in their court. The less you tell them how you feel, or talk to them about personal issues, the better off you will be. These people will only use it against you. Just enjoy yourself and laugh a lot. Laughter is truly good medicine!! It is good for the soul, and it spreads! And you will feel triumphant that you did not give in to their chirades. And you will feel stronger each time you don't respond negatively to them. I tried everything with my MIL to stop this outrageous behavior. It hasn't stopped and will never stop. And please believe me when I tell you it has nothing to do with you. It is very possible that your husband is "the baby" of the family or her favorite. She feels threatened by you, and will be in competition with you for her son's attention. She has created this emotional dependence on her probably all his life, and that is why she can do no wrong. The very best scenario is that your husband and you have a talk with his parents, and lay down some boundaries. No yelling, no discussing, just "This is the way it will be". If they can't respect this, then they will lose contact with him and his family. I know this is hard for you, because you want answers that you won't get from them. You want to know why. You want to know why you? You want to know what have I done to them? You have all this anger and frustration built up inside of you. Reading and learning helps a lot, as it gives some reason to their insanity. It helps you understand and find answers to the questions that haunt you. I hope that you find some peace of mind, and make that your goal. Peace of mind. I hope some of this helps you see things in a different light. Don't get so caught up in their world that you lose yourself. Stand tall and smile. Write back when you can. |
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