Replies to 'Abuse'

Quote From: kiarababe03

I don't know where to begin...it's been 25 years of constant mind games. I happen to be the eternal optimist...I think that's what kept me in this marriage for this long (the hope that things will get better), besides the fact that I believe that vows are not meant to be broken! I took a vow...I'm trying to honor it, but my goodness...most "normal" women would have left years and years ago! Is there something wrong with me that I have stayed in this abuse??

Here's the problem...this abuse is extremely stealth! It is very very hard to put your finger on it because it is all mental games for control and emotional abuse. To the world outside of our home he is the charmer, the wonderful guy, would do anything for you! And, he would do anything for anyone else, but NOT for his family. But at the same time he hates everyone and they are somehow the cause for why his life is like it is.

I guess I'll explain what I mean by giving a couple of examples. Just recently we went to my nephew and neices house for a visit. Oh my...my husband was the epidemy of greatness! He helped with the dishes, even came over and helped me walk across the room (actually held me like he was my crutch). See, I recently had foot surgery and am in a walking boot with crutches right now. Anyway, then we go to leave and I'm sitting on the floor of the back section of our truck (see the cab only has jumper seats in the back, but I had to leave my foot propped up and straight out, so I was sitting on the floor). Well, after a while I realized that this was a very uncomfortable position and took up most of the room so that there wasn't much room left for my dog (a labrador retriever - 54 lbs). So, I waited til we came to a gas station and while he was pumping gas I was going to readjust myself into a better position, but I realized that I couldn't reach the door handle and would have to have my husband open the door for me and help me out. So, as soon as he opens the door I asked if he would go around and open the door to help me. He hopped in and said, let's get out of the gas station and go to the parking lot (Costco). I thought that was reasonable...so I said sure. We get to the parking lot and we just sit there, so I ask him again...will you open the door for me? At this point he won't open the door but thinks that I ought to just stay like I am...so finally I get him to open the door (from inside the vehicle) but he still won't get out and come around and help me. So I get out myself, do all the adjusting I need while he sits "pouting" in the front seat because I wouldn't stay in my uncomfortable position. Then I find out later that the reason he wouldn't help me is that I didn't share all the details of what I was trying to do with him up front. So, I'm riding in the back, still very uncomfortable and I ask him to please put the air conditioning on. It's getting hot and my hair is blowing wildly in my face. He says, it's either Starbucks or Airconditioning...it's not like he can't afford the extra $10.00 it might cost to run the ac so that his family can have some comfort...he's a Col in the AF! So, I rode for 4 hours in a very uncomfortable state...by the time we got home I was so mad, I no longer wanted Starbucks, especially not with him.

This may seem minor, but this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME!! It's his way or the highway constantly! We don't ever have normal conversations...he is always trying to get me to see everything his way, trying to change me into his ideal version of me, or trying to teach me or the rest of the family a lesson. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I'm the crazy one because he'll come into the room and totally turn our conversation into a crazy-making conversation. He comes in to talk to me and suddenly, out of the blue, starts blaming all the dysfunction in our family on the fact that I homeschooled the kids. He has been disconnected from his family for most of their lives...he works and works and works...work is his life, when he's not working, he's home working on work. He's not a mentor or a leader for the kids, rather he demands and throws subtle insults when everyone doesn't hop to and do things exactly how he wants them. The dysfunction couldn't possibly be from his being an absentee husband and father! I have been married to the man for 25 years and I have never once seen inside his heart...he has kept me at arms distance for 25 years. I am learning that this is very Narcisstic behavior and learning how to not own his behavior. So, this morning when he started trying to blame all of life on me, I immediately said, "No, you have to own some of this too....what about when you've been so disconnected from our family that you wouldn't even talk to us" (if he doesn't get his way, he punishes us all by giving us the silent-treatment for 3+ days)....blah, blah, blah. So, now he's back in his silent, pouty mode...not talking to us and doing his own thing. He just left to run errands and won't be back for the next 2 or 3 hours....or so that's what he says.

HELP!! I want out, I really don't think I can handle this anymore!!

I have recently ordered the book "Malignant Self-Love" which is all about Narcissm. I really think that this is what he suffers from and I am trying to learn as much as I can about it so that I know how to cope with him. But, I almost think it's too late, I don't know if this can be mended. I'm afraid that if I stay with him that I will end up in an insane assylum. It almost seems like this is his intent to drive me crazy!! It's almost like he has no capacity for emotions or for compassion for people. He either missed that gene or was stunted in the growth of emotions and compassion.

Can you offer any insight into this. Does this behavior ring any bells for you? I probably gave you a very poor example...there are plenty of worse ones, I'm just sooo tired of dealing with it that I can't really think right now. 

Quote From: kiarababe03

I don't know where to begin...it's been 25 years of constant mind games. I happen to be the eternal optimist...I think that's what kept me in this marriage for this long (the hope that things will get better), besides the fact that I believe that vows are not meant to be broken! I took a vow...I'm trying to honor it, but my goodness...most "normal" women would have left years and years ago! Is there something wrong with me that I have stayed in this abuse??

Here's the problem...this abuse is extremely stealth! It is very very hard to put your finger on it because it is all mental games for control and emotional abuse. To the world outside of our home he is the charmer, the wonderful guy, would do anything for you! And, he would do anything for anyone else, but NOT for his family. But at the same time he hates everyone and they are somehow the cause for why his life is like it is.

I guess I'll explain what I mean by giving a couple of examples. Just recently we went to my nephew and neices house for a visit. Oh my...my husband was the epidemy of greatness! He helped with the dishes, even came over and helped me walk across the room (actually held me like he was my crutch). See, I recently had foot surgery and am in a walking boot with crutches right now. Anyway, then we go to leave and I'm sitting on the floor of the back section of our truck (see the cab only has jumper seats in the back, but I had to leave my foot propped up and straight out, so I was sitting on the floor). Well, after a while I realized that this was a very uncomfortable position and took up most of the room so that there wasn't much room left for my dog (a labrador retriever - 54 lbs). So, I waited til we came to a gas station and while he was pumping gas I was going to readjust myself into a better position, but I realized that I couldn't reach the door handle and would have to have my husband open the door for me and help me out. So, as soon as he opens the door I asked if he would go around and open the door to help me. He hopped in and said, let's get out of the gas station and go to the parking lot (Costco). I thought that was reasonable...so I said sure. We get to the parking lot and we just sit there, so I ask him again...will you open the door for me? At this point he won't open the door but thinks that I ought to just stay like I am...so finally I get him to open the door (from inside the vehicle) but he still won't get out and come around and help me. So I get out myself, do all the adjusting I need while he sits "pouting" in the front seat because I wouldn't stay in my uncomfortable position. Then I find out later that the reason he wouldn't help me is that I didn't share all the details of what I was trying to do with him up front. So, I'm riding in the back, still very uncomfortable and I ask him to please put the air conditioning on. It's getting hot and my hair is blowing wildly in my face. He says, it's either Starbucks or Airconditioning...it's not like he can't afford the extra $10.00 it might cost to run the ac so that his family can have some comfort...he's a Col in the AF! So, I rode for 4 hours in a very uncomfortable state...by the time we got home I was so mad, I no longer wanted Starbucks, especially not with him.

This may seem minor, but this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME!! It's his way or the highway constantly! We don't ever have normal conversations...he is always trying to get me to see everything his way, trying to change me into his ideal version of me, or trying to teach me or the rest of the family a lesson. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I'm the crazy one because he'll come into the room and totally turn our conversation into a crazy-making conversation. He comes in to talk to me and suddenly, out of the blue, starts blaming all the dysfunction in our family on the fact that I homeschooled the kids. He has been disconnected from his family for most of their lives...he works and works and works...work is his life, when he's not working, he's home working on work. He's not a mentor or a leader for the kids, rather he demands and throws subtle insults when everyone doesn't hop to and do things exactly how he wants them. The dysfunction couldn't possibly be from his being an absentee husband and father! I have been married to the man for 25 years and I have never once seen inside his heart...he has kept me at arms distance for 25 years. I am learning that this is very Narcisstic behavior and learning how to not own his behavior. So, this morning when he started trying to blame all of life on me, I immediately said, "No, you have to own some of this too....what about when you've been so disconnected from our family that you wouldn't even talk to us" (if he doesn't get his way, he punishes us all by giving us the silent-treatment for 3+ days)....blah, blah, blah. So, now he's back in his silent, pouty mode...not talking to us and doing his own thing. He just left to run errands and won't be back for the next 2 or 3 hours....or so that's what he says.

HELP!! I want out, I really don't think I can handle this anymore!!

I have recently ordered the book "Malignant Self-Love" which is all about Narcissm. I really think that this is what he suffers from and I am trying to learn as much as I can about it so that I know how to cope with him. But, I almost think it's too late, I don't know if this can be mended. I'm afraid that if I stay with him that I will end up in an insane assylum. It almost seems like this is his intent to drive me crazy!! It's almost like he has no capacity for emotions or for compassion for people. He either missed that gene or was stunted in the growth of emotions and compassion.

Can you offer any insight into this. Does this behavior ring any bells for you? I probably gave you a very poor example...there are plenty of worse ones, I'm just sooo tired of dealing with it that I can't really think right now.