Replies to 'Step-Parenting'

 I came on here to day to seek advice for my situation which by all means pales in comparison.   I have been married for 10 yrs and his seventeen yr old daughter just graduated from High School and she is about to turn 18. 
    First my advice to you is have your commonlaw have a talk with the young lass.  It is his problem to straighten out and there is nothing you can do to solve the issue.   When my stepdaughter was seven,  she absolutely hated me and did everything she could to break us up.   She had dreams that her parents would get back together and they would be a happy family.  And obviously I was a big obstical in that area.  When my husband found out what the problem was he sat her down and told her that he would never get back together with her mother even if I was not here and that He was going to marry me and he expected her to at the very least to show me respect and courtesey.  Over the years I have found that Dr Phil is right when he says it is not the place of the Step to do the parenting.    I can only enforce,  those boundries that my husband set down.    He made the rules,  I just made sure they were followed when he wasn't around.  I cannot act like a mother to her,  as much as I want to,  especially when I think her mother does not do what she should.   I can never say anything negative about her mom,  even when I think her mom is being a dumb ***.   If she was my child her life would have been very different,   but I am not her mother she has a mother and father,  and they have to take responsiblity for her life and influence they have had on her and the consequences of that influence.  My job is first,  love and support my husband,  and then to love and support his daughter by making sure we do what we(my husband and I) promise,  and the rest of the time blending into the backround the best I can. 
    This little 10yr old girl is doing everything she can to be a problem for you and your commonlaw.   Make him deal with her,   he can clean the clothes and  he can make her stay in her bed.  He need to set the rules and enforce them, no wishy washy crap.   She will eventually get the hint that dad means business.  And if she is making false accusations against you,  do not be alone with her.   You are there for your husband and he is there for his daughter no need for you to be alone with her especially now.  You may be able to ease the anxiety for her sleeping in her own bed,  by making it just that.  Her room and Her Bed the way she likes it with stuff she picks out with the both of you.  ( I have a room in my house that had been redone three times and sleep in maybe 12 months out of 360)  and if that doesnt work,  when my son was two and wouldnt stay in his bed we would sit in the room until he feel asleep then shorten it every night until finally he would go to bed on his own. 
    What you do and say to a step child matters,   you can love them as your own but they will never be your own and you have to understand the seperation.   With her mom in the picture you are the competition,  so choose not to compete.   It is the fathers job to do the work and take care of the issues,   all you can do is love and support them both.     Never ever say anything less than glowing about her mother,   you diss her mom and you will never get along,  make sure that she and everyone else knows you are not there to take anyones place,   you love her father which means you love her too.   You are not her mom and dont want to be here mom because she loves the one she has and she does not want to betray her mom.   
    I was feeling unapprciated by my step daughter and concerned about a snotty comment  she made about the planning of the family birthday party for her.  But readiing this and other accounts today.  I am trully blessed with a wonderful step daughter and we have come a long way,  and as much as I love her she will always be my step daughter and will never just be just one of my kids.   I have to keep my opinions and parental bulletins to myself.   It is not the same with all step children some blend and have two sets of parents and sometimes you have to pull yourself back because you are not wanted as the second mother,  you are only your husbands wife.

 He maybe shouldnt parent but he sure could back you up.   My Husband referred to me as the policeman but he is the warden.   I arrest and convict and he enforces.    Its a nice set up but you do have to be firm.  But there is no reason why your husband cannot demand that his wife be treated with respect and enforce the rules you set down.