Replies to 'Differing Sex Drives'
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May 22, 2008, 9:10 am PDT
 Quote From: courtney_5 Hey everyone! I am 22 years old and I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. We have a beautiful 3 year old son and we have lived together literally since day 1 (long story)! The sex in our relationship was great for the first year maybe, and ever since it has been on the decline. I thought it was me for all these years! Anytime that I want sex he is ready and willing to go! Right now we are intimate once or twice a month, and that is it. I wish i could say it was really passionate and enjoyable sex, but it isn't. We have tried spicing it up - different positions, places, times of day, etc. - but it's just not happening for me. Lately I had one of the worst thoughts... that being that maybe it wasn't a problem with MY sex drive, but what if I'm just simply not attracted to him anymore? I would never be able to say this to him because it would simply destroy him. We have one of those relationships that make everyone sick, we are so in love. My fear is, what if things continue to get worse? A lack of sex is just the beginning in a relationship. What if the hugs and kisses start to slow down even more? What if the conversations stop and the fights begin? Or, what if none of that happens and I am just stuck in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life? I guess I am just worried that I am going to have to settle for no more sex... and I don't know if I am willing to do that. We have had so many late night talks about this issue and nothing ever gets solved. I really do feel like I have tried, but its getting to the point now where I really do still love him, I just hate having sex with him. It kills me to even types those words, however, I fear it is the truth. Lately I have been trying to get out with friends more thinking that maybe it would make me miss him and want to be intimate with him when I return home. So far all thats happening is I am eyeing up men when I'm out... which I feel guilty as heck about. He is such a hard working a loyal partner, and any woman would be lucky to call him her own. I just need to feel some passion again. I am worried though that the passion I am desiring is that from the new and unknown.. which he obviously can't give me. I have talked my friends ears off about this issue and they all say the same thing... its a really crappy situation, and that we just can;t break up! I need an opinion from someone who is on the outside and has no personal ties to either of us. As of right now I would NEVER think of straying from this relationship, because I have so much respect for him and what we have been through. However, if the right looking man came at me with longing and passion I really can't honestly say what I would do. It's difficult to say what is going on in your relationship, as there is no time line as far as how long this has been going on. I will tell you that in all relationships the passion that is so fiery in the beginning cools down over time. It sounds like you have thought this trough in most ways where I would give thoughts as to what to do to stoke the fires. One thing I suggest is role playing. That's one thing you didn't mention, but you may have already tried. If this has been happening for a short period of time, (months) then be patient, as in all long term relationships there are peaks and valleys.
It sounds like the two of you communicate to some degree, but you don't say why the areas you talk about don't get resolved. That could be a major part. I so respect you that you know going outside the relationship is not an answer, and it says a lot about your character. If you want to break up and try other people, it may come to that, but I hope it is something you could work out, as not only do you have a lot of time invested in a relationship with someone you seem to care about, the two of you have a child, which is a great consideration, since you don't seem to be fighting with each other.
My next question would be, have you changed or started any new medications? Medications can cause a drop in sexual desire. I guess you have a strong sexual appetite, as you are concerned about it, but it seems it is just not for him.
Going out with your friends more sounds more like running from the problem than helping it; especially since you find yourself googling at other men when out with friends. I think you are asking for trouble by going out with your friends, especially if they are not in a committed relationship, or are not faithful in a relationship they may be in.
Since you have been with your significant other for five years, I would think part of the problem is being with the same person so long it becomes less passion, and more mundane. Revving up your sexual relationship is not always easy work. It sounds like you are truly trying. The one thing I could suggest is try and find things you are not done but the thought of them are exciting, and do some role playing.
As I said, this is a difficult one, and I hope this at least gives you some food for thought. Good luck, and keep us informed, as your situation could very well help others having the same problems. |
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